Decoding Body Language

As if life weren't unfair enough already, it turns out that your dumb unhelpful body is constantly broadcasting how you feel about stuff, entirely without your permission. You can say you're totally interested as your friend rambles on about the hottest fictional alien races, but secretly your body is going "shut up shut up shut up" the entire time.

Luckily, we're avid studiers of BodyLanguology here at SparkLife, which explains why we can't get dates (nobody likes to be put under a microscope on a first meeting, apparently). Here's how to decode body language.

1) Eye Contact
Eye contact means involvement, and translates roughly to "I am [attentive to/interested in/wanting to make kisses with] you," depending on the situation. Excessive blinking is evidence of either anxiety or a faulty contact lens. Avoiding eye contact entirely is a flashing neon sign that shouts "I hate this entire thing that is happening right now."

Example Involving Your Dog: If you wake up your dog and stare at him, he'll briefly engage with your gaze, but will then break eye contact (a serious social faux pas) because he'll start thinking about food. In his defense, this is because he is a dog.

2) Personal Space
Some body language varies between cultures; for example, standing within three feet of someone while talking is either strangely awkward or a display of intimacy in the Western world, but it's standard practice in India. Contrast this with, say, hitting someone with a golf club, which is a universal indicator that you have just hit someone with a golf club.

When you're with a friend/crush and s/he encroaches on your space, it means something like "I'm comfortable with you" or "Maybe if I lean in far enough, we'll accidentally make out and then get married!" Conversely, backing up or leaning away as though you've just discovered a dead raccoon means exactly what you think it means.

Example Involving Your Dog: On second thought...an example involving your dog would be odd. Nevermind.

3) Touching
EWW NO NOT THAT KIND. Come on, people. We're talking about innocent conversational touching, like a hand on the arm or a pat on the back, both of which usually mean that the toucher is comfortable with the touchee, and is extroverted and sympathetic.

Example Involving Your Dog: Go pet your dog. See how he likes that? That's because physical contact is reaffirming. People generally react the same way dogs do. We like touchy-feely acknowledgment that everything is okay. Just don't go around patting everyone on the head and saying that SparkNotes told you to, because that would end badly for both of us.

4) Posture
Did you know that tall people are fantastic? It's a fact, sort of! People equate height with power, which is why standing straight with your shoulders back tells people you're confident about what you're saying, while slouching over basically says, "I'm sorry about this dumb opinion that I have; please don't hit me, sir."

In your case, though, slouching can just as easily say, "I'm a high school student, and am so sleepy that I'm barely classified as alive," so it's really not something anyone should hold against you.

Example Involving Your Dog: Dogs win dog shows based partially on having great posture. Granted, if you can even find your dog right now, he's probably half-asleep and eating a ball of foil, but the point still stands.

Do you have any bad body language habits? (We always touch our nose when deep in thought. Looks creepy.)

Related Post: How to Flirt if You're a Dude, Part 1: The Look

Related Quiz: Do You Know Your Body Language?