Things You Might Find When You’re Feeling Around Under Your Car Seats for an Ice Scraper

You might see the title of this post and think to yourselves, “WHY IS THIS EVEN A POST. WHY.” To which we might respond, “WE HAVE NO IDEA. NO IDEA.” Sometimes there ain’t no reason to our rhyme, Sparklers. So just put that desk chair in recline and prepare to lose some brain cells as you read our list of things you might find when you're feeling around under your car seats for an ice scraper:

1. A giant piñata replica of your own head.

2. $3,000 worth of counterfeited American bills.

3. $3,000 worth of counterfeited Monopoly bills.

4. $1.78 of real cash money. Go buy yourself a Slurpie.

5. That copy of Twilight you’ve been using to scrape dead bugs off your windshield.

6. Danny Devito.

7. A half-eaten fish fillet from Wendy’s. You regret buying it even more now than you did then.

8. 60 packages of Easter Peeps. From Easter ‘98.

9. Your AP Bio grade. Hint: it’s an F. A low F.

10. Gum. What, you were expecting a brick of GOLD or something?

9. George Washington’s real teeth.

10. Ryan Seacrest’s real teeth.

11. Your little brother, eating a peanut butter sandwich and singing the theme song to SpongeBob Squarepants.

12. A Yak Bak. Remember how COOL those were? You’re one lucky sonofoagun.

13. The keys to the city.

14. A note from the love of your life that reads, “I ADORE YOU. IF YOU RESPOND TO THIS TODAY BY MIDNIGHT, I WILL MARRY YOU. OTHERWISE, I WILL FORGET YOU EVER EXISTED.” The note is dated with yesterday’s date.

15. Simon Cowell’s child-size black v-neck, soaked in the tears of rejected American Idol contestants.

16. A 200-pound bag of marbles, stolen from 600 “Hungry Hungry Hippos” game sets.

17. An ice scraper. See, sometimes things do work out.

18. The ORIGINAL original Constitution of the United States of America, on which Ben Franklin wrote in cursive, “in yo face, SUCKAZ.”

19. The most famous Jonas Brother of them all: Justin Bieber.

20. Genghis Kahn. The actual guy.

What else?

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