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New Psychological Disorders

New Psychological Disorders

By Robert Isenberg

Psychologists may not sanction the following list of disorders, and you won't find them in the DSM-IV. Still, we think you'll recognize this unofficial list of mental hiccups:

Nomennonscisia: Amnesia that occurs when you see some person you've met, like, 100 times already, and you must introduce him to your friend, and you... JUST! CAN'T! REMEMBER! HIS NAME! FOR THE LIFE OF YOU!

Temponarcolepsy: The overwhelming sensation of sleepiness when (a) there's a test, (b) you're supposed to go on a blind date, or (c) you've been asked to take out the trash.

Cutoffomania: The chronic desire to wear shorts year-round, even in blizzards.

Nonphonophobia: The fear that, if you don't call or text somebody immediately, you will never catch up with what's going on and will not understand what anyone is talking about for weeks and weeks.

Omninusquamia: Sitting around the house all weekend long, not doing anything, until... HOLY CATS! Is it Monday already?

Superamoratus by Proxy: Hyperactive interest in your friend's love life, because you aren't dating anyone.

Oculophilia: Constant staring at your crush, who doesn't know you exist, even when you know the staring makes you look creepy, but how could you stop?

Pedagravita: The uncanny ability to trip and fall at the most embarrassing moments (in front of a full school bus, while holding a cafeteria tray, etc.).

Aphasia Nervosa: S-s-s-st-st-stuttering, not because you usually stutter, but because your crush actually asked you what time it is! And all you can say is t-t-t-tw-tw-twelve-th-th-thir-twelve thirty! (The last word is always yelled, as if in a fit of rage).

Parentasilencia: When parents ask why you're so glum, you just grunt and poke your vegetables with a fork. Why must they use words like "glum," anyway? That just makes you more "glum," thereby worsening your psychological disorder of parentasilencia. *sigh*

Do you have any of these psychological disorders? Did we leave any out?

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Topics: Life
Tags: guides, annoying things, embarrassing things, psychological disorders

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