How to Handle Cheaters

Here at SparkNotes, we know that you know how hard it is to be soooo super-smart all the time. It's a torturous life, what with your parents expecting your smart behind to bring home nothing but straight As, and jealous idiot-jerks leaving poorly-spelled graffiti on your locker. And then, just when you thought the experience of being smart couldn't get any worse, it happens: As you sit in class, bent over your exam, you feel a presence nearby and look up see that Jerry McDumbhead, local failure and general perpetrator of academic crimes, has scooched his desk toward you at a forty-five degree angle and is copying your answers.

NOOOOOOOOOO!

But while there's little we can do about unreasonable parental expectations or the nerd-hating mongoloids who can't hear a five-syllable word without flying into a violent rage, we can offer you support during the difficult aftermath of discovering that someone is cheating off you. Because in the immortal words of Samuel L. Jackson, enough is enough! We have had it with these mother... um... well, anyway. Here it is:

The Sparknotes Guide to Dealing With Cheaters.

Once you've turned around and realized that some loser is attempting to crib your answers for his own personal gain, you must first and foremost avoid the following rookie mistake: Do not react to someone cheating OFF you in the same way you would react to someone cheating ON you. Do not cry. Do not threaten. Do not stand up in class, tear out a clump of your own hair, and scream, "How could you do this to me?!" Instead, consider one of the following tactics:

The Siren of Shame
Turn to the sneaky cheater with your eyes open wide, and yell, "WHY ARE YOU LOOKING AT MY TEST, SIR? THERE IS NOTHING HERE FOR YOU! TURN YOUR REPULSIVE, CHEATING GAZE BACK TOWARD YOUR OWN FAILING EXAM, YOU LINT-LICKER!" Then, return to your test as though nothing had happened while the cheater bursts into hot tears of humiliation.

Jumping on the Grenade
Take immediate action to block the cheater's view of your exam by hurling your entire body on top of it. Remain prostrate on the desk until the cheater looks away. Take care not to smudge your answers.

The Secret Agent
If it's early in the exam, consider having some fun with Mr. Cheatypants; as you go through the multiple choice, make a big show of circling the answer immediately above or below the correct one. Your cheater will follow suit. Then, when there are ten minutes or so left in the class, go back and rapidly change all your answers before the devil behind you/next to you can realize he's been had.

The Pity Party
If you know the cheater to be a generally decent fellow, and you've heard through the grapevine that he's been unable to study lately due to a personal tragedy such as a divorce, a death, or his entire family being eaten by wolves, you may want to offer him a sympathetic smile and allow him to copy an answer or two. Sure, it's not exactly kosher, but it's the least you can do for someone whose whole family just got eaten by wolves, for crying out loud.

Blackmail
Corner the cheater after class, loom over him in a threatening manner, and hiss, "I saw what you did. And I'm gonna tell, unless." Then, name your price. (Cheaters often have limited resources, but you can probably blackmail him into making your lunch for a few weeks.)

How do you handle a cheater?

Related post: How to Ask for a Retest