March Horoscopes

In like a lion. Out like a lamb. This is a month of changing seasons and leprechauns. Should you beware the Ides of March, or will the Ides be totally bad-a? And what about the other days of March that don’t have cool, ominous nicknames? The answers dwell below.

Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Quick! Look at the floor! Darn. You totally missed it. The person you thought said that thing about what happened during that time at that place, is trying to deceive you. Romance is not in the air. It’s in the lake. What you say about Kate Hudson will come back to bite you on your ass. The fork at the restaurant is dirty, but if you ask for another one, the waiter will hate you and spit in your food. So we don’t know what you should do. If the next noise you hear is a bing or bong, you will have a wonderful month. If the noise is a ding or buzz, that means no one likes you. Be proud of your knees. Your socks are fine…for now.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Wear 40% less hats. Listen carefully to the next song you hear, as the lyrics are all about your future life. The song after that will lead you to your soulmate. And the song after that is going to be about having a party. Something written in dry erase marker will get you trouble. Keep a low profile on March 20th. Keep a high profile on March 19th. Avoid touching anything cold and beige. Update the photos on every social networking site you use, because your friends are tired of seeing the pictures from your 2003 vacation to Maryland. Say, “That’s not what I heard,” after each sentence your sibling says. Keep doing this until your sibling cries. It won’t change your luck, but it will be pretty funny.

Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
Tiptoe tomorrow. Use “razzmatazz” in a sentence once a day. Talk to people who are taller than you. Whisper to people who are shorter than you. Sing to people who are exactly your height (not counting shoes). Ask someone, “What time is it?” After he answers you, scream, “Liar!” and skip away, and great fortune will find you. The rabbit is not a rabbit. Someone you know will one day be famous. (It’s not Mike.) Don’t believe everything you read, or taste. The wobbly chair will cause nothing but embarrassing problems. Buy something blue, or else.

Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
Google and your best friend will let you down this month. Hold out your hand tomorrow at 9:55 a.m. for a surprise. Do not move your hand until you receive the surprise. The surprise is not air. Keep an open mind with regard to love and broccoli. You will meet a new friend near something frozen. Only hit the spacebar on the outermost edges, and never directly in the middle (there are deadly germs living on the middle of the spacebar). Change your ringtone. You current ringtone is horrible. Make “It’s monkey time” your new catchphrase.

Leo (July 23 – August 22)
Someone holding a basketball thinks you’re hot. Someone holding a bowling ball hates your guts. Red cars and people wearing helmets will be very important to you this month. Lick the yogurt lid. Do not lick the pudding cup lid. Keep exactly 57 cents in your leftmost pocket at all times. It just might save your life. A family member knows your secret. Now is not a good time to try karate, despite that dream you had. There’s a woman in your neighborhood who is wanted by the police. All green items of clothing should be worn below the waist. All purple items of clothing should be worn above the chin.

Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
Don’t scratch a cat on its belly or tongue. Wednesdays will be wonderful, while Thursdays will be so-so, and Fridays will make you want to tear your hair out with either joy or frustration. Your face looks good. Stop worrying about your face. You should be worrying about your shins. What’s wrong with your shins? Eww. Keep turning your neck until it cracks. There. Doesn’t that feel better? If you haven’t seen Ghostbusters, find the nearest Pisces, and tell them this fact immediately. (Even if you have seen Ghostbusters, lie and say you haven’t.) True love will follow. You will have an amazing month if you can list more than 25 things that are yellow in less than 30 seconds…starting…NOW!

Libra (September 23 – October 22)
Try kissing with your eyes wide open. It’s more fun that way. Creepy, but fun. (We call it Owl Kisses.) At the mall, walk in a straight line and do NOT look behind you. Just keep walking. We’re serious. If there is a bug in your shoe, he will be friendly. Name him Huxley Babbit and make him your pet. Huxley Babbit will bring you luck. You’re not singing the correct Lady Gaga lyrics. It’s so annoying. Jump 56% more times than you did last month. When choosing ice cream or pizza toppings, go with your fourth choice. Someone not named Mark is crying right now, and it’s all your fault.

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
Something bad will happen on March 11th at 3:43 a.m., unless you’re sleeping. Keep an extra pillow case handy throughout the month. Run away from anyone who ends a statement with, “Know what I mean, jelly bean?” The third shelf of the refrigerator is where a tasty treat is waiting for you. If there is an even number of stars in the sky, it’s OK to tell someone that you love them. But be careful. Sometimes what you think are stars are really satellites, airplanes, or shiny birds. There is something in your hair that shouldn’t be there. Don’t bother looking for that thing you lost, because you accidentally threw it out last week. And as always, Jen is lying.

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
The school project you’re working on will be great, but it needs more verbs, and the fifth paragraph is redundant. During the movie, don’t bother checking your text messages. No one tried to text you, and it’s really distracting to the other moviegoers. Hurry and move whatever is in your back pocket to a safe location. Your best friend will want you to split a dessert with her. Don’t do it! Your friend is greedy and will eat more than half. If you step on a bug, you will have bad luck. If you sit on a bug, you will have good luck. If you kill a bug with your head, you will have great luck, and an amazing story to tell everyone at lunch.

Capricorn (December 22 – January 19)
Toothpicks are evil. On St. Patrick's Day, the person wearing the least amount of green is your soulmate. A person whose name begins with the letter E is afraid to talk to you. You will fall down three times this month, and if you make a wish while you’re falling, the wish will come true! But if you make the wish once you’re on the ground, the opposite of that wish will come true. You cannot wish for more wishes, jerk. Check your school bag for a pleasant surprise. Something in the shape of a man will make you smile, and then frown. Stop playing with your hair. Do not touch duck saliva.

Aquarius (January 20 - February 18)
Stop! Don’t take another sip of that water. You don’t want to know why, but you really shouldn’t drink it. When the opportunity presents itself, always choose the green one. Someone with a difficult-to-pronounce last name is infatuated with you. Anyone who owns more than four plastic video game guitars is up to no good. Fish sticks are always a good idea. Use the word “bungee” more often. Did you hear that? Eh, it was probably nothing. Wait. Did you just hear it again? Did it suddenly get colder in here? By the way, 100 years ago today, someone died right where you are sitting. Weird, huh? Did you just hear a moan?

Pisces (February 18 – March 20)
He who owns a pair of red jeans is not to be trusted. When someone asks for your thoughts on Paraguay, lie. It will make everything easier. The French fries will be too salty, so buy a larger drink. There is something in a mug that should never be in a mug. Someone just mentioned your name on Facebook, and you better check it out before rumors spread. The person who has a secret crush on you has never seen Ghostbusters. The book you are reading will not end well. Do not smell the mailbox! Beware of the things in jars or vans.

Related post: February Horoscopes