Funky Beards and the Civil War

By Contributor

February 26, 2010

Some say the Civil War's legacy has endured to this day. Sparkler beweirdchick7 reminds us that thankfully, the facial hair has not. —Sparknotes editors

Right now in US History, we are studying the Civil War. After watching movies and reading the textbook (okay, looking at the pictures), I’ve reached the conclusion that MEN WHO LIVED DURING THE CIVIL WAR HAVE THE STRANGEST FACIAL HAIR!

I can only wonder what was going through these dudes' minds as they grew out this hair. How early in their lives did they have to decide they wanted a foot-long beard so as to make sure it would grow long enough? Isn't it completely impractical to have facial hair that extreme? I mean, if you were about to get bayoneted, you could distract your attacker by tugging on his beard...and then bayoneting him before he could get to you. I wonder how many people were killed by other soldiers pulling beards and ninja-attacking them. And finally, what did the women think?

Maybe this facial came about because there is precious little time to shave between killing Confederates (or Unionists, whatever the case may be). Or maybe there was a secret government plan to take over the world by attacking foes with flying bearded men (I know I would be intimidated). Let’s take a look at some of these crazy beards:

1) General Ambrose Burnside. This guy deserves the number one spot for sure. The inventor of sideburns—and one of the worst generals ever—definitely had wings on his mind when he decided to shave only half of his face. Did he think he could fly if he grew those babies out long enough? Maybe he should try a jetpack…

2) John Brown. John Brown is a sight to see. Not only just slightly frightening, he looks as if he has been electrocuted. An abolitionist, Brown was made famous when he tried to start a slave revolt in Harper’s Ferry, Virginia. He failed and was hung. I wonder how they found his neck under all that hair.

3) General Lewis Wallace. Perhaps you haven’t heard of this man. He was a Union general and author, best known for writing Ben Hur: A Tale of the Christ. Other than that, I don’t think he was particularly famous. His beard made his face look abnormally long, much like an anteater's. I keep expecting a tongue to shoot out of the bottom of his beard and lap up a few insects.

4) General George Greene. Wow. Now THIS is what you call a mustache, men. If you can grow something like that (or any of these, really), you have achieved the state of full manhood. I wonder how he kept it so perfectly curled at the ends.

5) Last but not least, Charles Bolles. He fought at Vicksburg, marched to the sea with Sherman, and totally rocked the walrus mustache. Way to be, Charles Bolles.

What's your favorite facial hair configuration?