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Blogging Eclipse: Part 15

Blogging Eclipse: Part 15

Chapter Fifteen: Wager
Better Title: No One Wants to Smooch Jacob

In a change of pace from the usual blog, I would like to take this opportunity to talk specifically with Jacob. If you are not Jacob, please don't read any further. This is just between him and me. Regular blogging of Eclipse will resume next week. Thank you for understanding.

You are my life now,

Seriously, stop reading. For real!

OK, Jacob. It's just you and me now.

How's it going? Listen man, we need to talk. Have a seat. Can you put a shirt on? I'm getting cold just looking at your impressive abs. Thanks.

I read what you did in this chapter, dude. Not cool. I know you're going through some rough times right now. But that's no excuse. You kissed Bella, and she didn't want to be kissed. Then you continued to try to kiss her. She was fighting you off, and you didn't stop. That's messed up. What were you thinking?

Bella doesn't want to be your girlfriend. No, look at me! Look at me, Jacob. You need to hear this. She loves Edward more than she loves you. How do I know? Because she feels the need to tell me in every other chapter of these books. In fact, much of the last book consisted of her saying, "Jacob is neat, but Edward? OMG! Edward is like a god crossed with a candy bar and a puppy! Eeeeeeee! I love him so much! Eeeeeee!" I don't understand why, either. That's just how it is.

Sure, you have an amazing personality. You're funny. You're charming. You're handy, and a hard worker. Most girls would admire those things in a guy. But Bella…well, she doesn't like good personalities. She likes men who are sad, and manipulative, and really, really old. In the world of Star Wars, you'd be Han Solo, but Bella would rather make out with The Emperor.

You're a good-looking guy, Jacob. You're tall. You have the body of an athlete. Your legs are like two beautiful pillars of muscles that beckon all who see them with a sly, flirtatious flex whenever your walk. And your abs. My god! They just won't quit. And your shoulders are so…oh. Sorry. Was I staring? Heh. Anyway, have you seen that new Rihanna video? She's hot. Yep. I totally dig chicks.

Where was I? Oh yeah. You're charming and handsome, and there are a billion other girls out there who would love to go out with you. So if Bella says no, remember there are plenty of less whiny fish in the sea.

But you owe Bella an apology. You can't go around kissing girls like that, Jacob. You acted like an ass. I know you were just following your heart. And I know every musical, romantic comedy, and pop song has taught us that when you love someone, you should go in for a kiss, and she will love you right back.

But you forgot one important thing. You're not the main character of this book. Only main characters can kiss girls spontaneously and get away with it. Indiana Jones can do it. So can James Bond or the Cloverfield Monster. As much I like you, you're not the star of the book. This book is about Bella and Edward. Now, if this book was called Black Attack, and was about you roaming Western American looking for trouble before trouble found you, then you could make out with whomever you wanted. But it's not. So you can't.

And when you do kiss someone, you don't just suddenly smash your mouth onto her lips like an animal. Do you know how to kiss? Be honest. I'm being serious. Let me explain…

When a man loves a woman, it can be a beautiful thing. They will go on a date, maybe out to eat or to the movies. She may hold his hand, or giggle at one of his dumb jokes. And at the end of the night, when the man drops the woman off at her house, they will look deep into each others' eyes as a gentle breeze whispers past. The woman will smile. The man will smile. And then the man will say, "Well. I better get going."

And the woman will say, "Oh yeah. It's late."

And the man will say, "Yeah."

And the woman will say, "Yeah."

And the man will say, "Uh-huh."

And the woman will say, "Well, I had a good time tonight."

And the man will say, "Me too. That guy in the hat was hilarious." And then they will say nothing for about a minute as a car drives by. Then the man will say, "So, I'll get going. Um…"

And the woman will say, "OK. Yeah."

And the man will say, "Yeah."

And the woman will say, "Yeah. Well…um." And then they will awkwardly kiss for the first time.

That's how it's done. You don't kiss a girl for the first time unless the kiss is preceded by an awkward pause and stunted conversation. Everyone knows this! The only exception is if you're playing a kissing game, starring in an adult film, or need to quickly blend in with the crowd before your enemy spots you.

Aw, Jacob, are you crying? Why are you crying? Oh. I see.

I know you didn't want to kiss Bella. I know Stephenie Meyer made you do it. She was worried you were becoming too friendly, nice, and wonderful. She knew we'd all wonder why Bella would choose Edward over someone so fantastic. So she had to force you to do something out of character in order to pull her story in the direction she wanted it to go. It's not fair. You go ahead and cry it out, big guy. Do you want some pizza bagels? I'll make some pizza bagels.

By the way, I'm proud of you. I mean it. After you kissed Bella, she punched you in the face. I was sure you would turn into a werewolf and eat her. After all, Edward keeps telling me that werewolves are "volatile" and that a werewolf would destroy everything in its path when aggravated. Hmm. I guess maybe Edward and the vampires were wrong. Imagine that.

Ooh. Is that a smile I see, Jacob?

After Bella broke her hand, you offered to drive her home. That was nice of you. But she was very angry, and only accepted the ride because she thought Edward would be waiting at the border, and that when he found out what you did, he would kill you.

Yeah, I don't know how Lullaby Eddie would kill you either. Maybe he would bring Emmett along. Or he could bring his entire family with him, and they could bore you to death with their tiresome, clichéd back stories.

Anyway, Bella was furious when you drove right to her house. She wanted to go to the Cullen house so that Dr. Carlisle could examine her hand…and she wanted the vampires to murder you. To be honest, dude, she had every right to be pissed. Hey, don't get mad at me, buddy. I'm not the one who forced himself on Bella. Sit down. Sit down, right now, Jacob, or else I'm taking away the pizza bagels.

There. That's better.

When Bella stormed into her house, you probably should have just let her go. She was angry. She didn't want to be around you. So why did you follow her into the house? What were you hoping would happen? Did you think she would suddenly say, "Oh Jacob, I'm sorry I punched you. I love thee with all my heart!"? Stop chasing this rainbow, Jake. There's no gold on the other side.

You stuck around in the house, chatting and joking with Charlie, as Bella anxiously called her forever buddy. (Yeah, I call them "forever buddies" because Bella doesn't think girlfriend/boyfriend is a strong enough word. She brings this up a lot.)

At this point, I was a bit excited. See, for the past two books I've been dying for some action. And part of me hoped that you and Edward would finally have a duel at Bella's house. Of course, I was wrong. But could you do me a favor in the next chapter? Could you kill Edward, or maybe Victoria? Even if you just go surfing it would be better than reading another chapter of Bella saying, "I love Edward. My life is hard." Thanks.

When Edward arrived, he just stared you down and escorted Bella to his car. That's when you should have turned into a wolf, slammed his dumb head into your mouth, and chomped down hard. But you didn't. I can respect that.

And then, when you followed Edward and Bella outside, I was sure you would turn into a wolf and fight. But all that happened is Edward told you to watch out. You're smiling. I know why, too. Edward referred to Bella as if she were some shiny new toy. It was very condescending and chauvinistic.

Like when he told you, "If you ever bring her back damaged again…If you return her to me in less than the perfect condition that I left her in, you will be running with three legs." And then added, "She's mine," as if Bella were a piece of candy. Edward really doesn't treat Bella well. He sounds like a rich snob with a trophy wife.

After Bella and Edward drove away, what did you do? I hope you went home to think about how horribly you treated Bella. Or maybe you and Charlie played Wii Bowling. Dads love to play Wii Bowling.

Bella went to the Cullen house and Dr. C. looked at her hand and said she didn't need a cast, but did need an arm brace, which he just happened to have lying around the kitchen. The Cullens are so weird.

Bella also chatted with Emmett and Rosalie. Emmett is so cool, Jacob. You would like him. He's funny and crazy strong. And he's the most logical vampire of the bunch. He's my favorite character in this book! Don't be upset, Jacob. Sit down. Please? I think you're cool too. But Emmett? Well, Emmett is Emmett. And Emmett doesn't force-kiss girls. (Girls force-kiss him! Ka-Pow!)

Anyway, Emmett asked what happened to Bella's face, and Edward explained what you did. Then Rosalie said Jasper would win the bet. It seems these vampires have a bet going as to whether Bella will be a wild and unpredictable newborn vampire when she is transformed. Jasper thinks she will go crazy and kill people, and the fact that she was willing to punch you means she's not exactly the coolest cucumber.

Bella didn’t like this. She had never really thought about the possibility of becoming a wild bloodthirsty beast that kills innocent people. Finally, she has some sympathy for the poor people dying in Seattle right now. (Oh yeah, I wanted to tell you that there's a vampire army in Seattle killing people. Bella didn't want you to know because I guess until just a second ago, Bella enjoyed the idea of dead people. Also, vampires are killing thousands of people in Volterra, Italy, and the Cullens think that's totally fine.)

Now Bella isn't sure if becoming vampire is the right move. On one hand, she doesn't want innocent people to die. On the other, she really, really, really wants to get naked and touch Edward's face. What's a girl to do? Her thoughts drift off, as they always do, and this chapter ends with her wondering if there is some human experience that she will miss when she becomes a vampire. Duh! Ice cream sandwiches! Vampires can't taste people food. Losers.

Sorry I went off topic there. The reason I wanted to talk to you is to say that you mistreated Bella. You were abusive, callous, and mean. Bella has every right to be furious. And if you were the only other character in this book, you would clearly be the villain. But you're not the only other character in the book. The Cullens are still worse than you. Far worse. The Cullens have killed people, and let thousands of people die. All you did was try to kiss on Bella. You're no hero. But, in to my book, murder is worse than kissing. And for that reason, I'm still Team Jacob. (Also? Team Pancakes.)

Glowers: 1 (Book Total 11)
Murmurs: 2 (Book total 37)

Stephenie Meyer continues to make Jacob the bad guy in the next chapter. He calls Bella...

BELLA: Stop calling, Jacob. I don't ever want to see you again!
JACOB: I'm sorry. I shouldn't have kissed you like that.
BELLA: Go away!
JACOB: But I need your help. Please…
BELLA: I'm hanging up this phone and calling Edward. He will write you a lullaby that will knock you on your ass. So help me, he will…
JACOB: But Bella, I'm in jail. I need to talk to your dad.
BELLA: Jail? Why? Did you kiss more girls?
JACOB: No. I set fire to a hospital.
BELLA: What?
JACOB: I wanted to show you that I love you.
BELLA: You…burned down…a hospital.
JACOB: No. It's still standing. I just torched one of the wings.
BELLA: How could you?
JACOB: I thought that's what you wanted. The other night, when we were hanging out, I thought you gave me that subtle look which meant, "Jacob, if you set a hospital on fire, I will love you."
BELLA: I never…oh my god!
JACOB: So you're saying that I shouldn't have started the fire? I'm so confused.
BELLA: I never gave you that look!
JACOB: Sure you did. Right after your eyes sparkled in such a way that I knew you wanted me to kill some kittens.
BELLA: No! What?
JACOB: We were talking, and your eyes did that sparkle thing. I know what that means, Bella. This ain't my first rodeo.
BELLA: You're insane.
JACOB: You wanted me to do it.
BELLA: NO! No I didn't.
JACOB: You mouth is saying no, but your eyes totally said, "Kill kittens."
BELLA: You villain! You horrible, evil villain! I hope you rot in jail.
JACOB: So…are you going to put your dad on the phone or what? Also, will you marry me?

Dan's posts are collected here.

Topics: Books
Tags: blogging twilight, blogging eclipse

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