Auntie SparkNotes: Mama's Got a Brand New Boy

Dear Auntie Sparknotes,

My parents divorced two years ago, and I live with my mom. She moved on very quickly and immediately found a new boyfriend, which initially made me somewhat (understandably, I think) uncomfortable. Over time I grew more comfortable with the guy and actually started to like him. A few months later, she introduced us to her new "friend," and soon it became increasingly clear that the two were more than that... So here we are, with BF #1 and BF #2. Essentially, my mother is playing the field.

It's hard for me to deal with my mom's two boyfriends. Whenever I'm with one I always have to make sure not to mention the other (I've observed my mother lie on countless occasions, for example, telling BF #1 she was with me when really she was with BF #2, etc, so I'm relatively certain they don't know about each other.) What's worse, whenever I start to feel a sort of camaraderie with BF #2, I grow incredibly guilty, as though I'm betraying #1 by not hating #2, and vice versa.

I and several other family members have attempted to talk to my mom about this, but we've always been met with futility. She grows extremely defensive, as though I am attacking her morality by inquiring about the situation, and she constantly references the lack of freedom she had with my father. It's not that I don't want her to be happy, it's just hard for me to juggle my feelings about not only one new man, but two. No matter how many times I tell her this, however, she doesn't seem to hear. I just want to know which boyfriend is coming to my clarinet recital, or whose house she's sleeping at tonight. I don't know whom to talk to about this. Please, help.

Auntie SparkNotes doesn't impress easily, you guys, but this letter-writer's maturity and reasonable approach to a truly ick-tastic situation has me floored. But unfortunately, it looks like she didn't inherit these excellent qualities from her mother, who seems to have regressed back to the age of 20—and not in a fun, Freaky Friday sort of way, either.

Sparkler, I can't say for sure what's motivating your mom in this situation, although certain parts of your letter make me think that her relationship with your dad was less than great. After so many years under someone else's thumb, her relief at having some freedom may have completely eclipsed her sense of what is and isn't appropriate. But while I'm sympathetic to her feelings, it doesn't change the fact that this is super-inappropriate. It's not that there's something wrong with dating two people at once, but when you're enlisting a 15-year-old to help you lie to them, something is definitely off. This flighty, co-conspiratorial nonsense—using you as a cover story, expecting you to lie, and disappearing overnight to hang out with one of two guys—is the kind of thing you'd expect from a college roommate, not from someone who's supposed to be parenting you. Your mother seems to have forgotten the laws of Dating After a Divorce, which clearly state that a boyfriend shouldn't be introduced into the family unless he's a One-and-Only, not a One-of-Two.

So, how should you handle this? You've been thrust into a very adult situation, and unfortunately, that means you'll have to handle it from an adult perspective—something your mom has lost. So:

Talk to your mom one on one. While you'll need to handle this situation like an adult, you'll also have to remind your mother that you aren't an adult. So, when you sit down to chat, say something like: "I'm not passing judgment on you for dating. I want you to be happy, and I think it's great that you're having fun. But I'm still a kid, and this situation is really hard and confusing for me."

Keep the conversation focused on you. Make it clear: This isn't about your mom dating, it's about your feelings. If she starts getting defensive, say, "It doesn't matter to me if you date two people at once. But when you ask me to lie for you and don't tell me the truth about who these guys are, I feel really uncomfortable."

Set boundaries. It's so, so sad that you have to do this, but if your mom won't stop injecting you into these situations, it's up to you to be the adult and put your foot down. Tell your mom you won't lie for her, that you don't appreciate being used as an excuse when she's trying to cover her tracks, and that she can't expect you to be her partner in obfuscating and deceiving her boyfriends. Once again, make it clear that you're not trying to control her behavior—just that you won't be put in a position that makes you uncomfortable.

Adjust your expectations. Your mom may see the light after you talk to her, but given the history here, it's more likely that she'll react the same way she's reacted every other time someone called her out on what she's doing. If that happens, you'll need to do your best to rise above the whole thing. That might mean distancing yourself from the boyfriends, or asking that your mother tell you in advance who she'll be with and when she'll be bringing one of them around. (Honestly, that's the bare minimum of human decency. The fact that I even have to say this is so depressing that I can hardly stand it.)

And finally, seek support elsewhere. Please find someone to talk to, okay? If you can't get your mom to act like a parent, turn to one of those sympathetic family members you mentioned and keep in close contact with him or her. You need a stable, rational, reasonable adult in your life. I'm so sorry your mom isn't being that person.

Write back and let me know how you're doing. I worry.

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