Auntie SparkNotes: Gary and His Harem

Two things: 1) Until Auntie gets a new computer, we'll have to make do with pictures of dogs wearing glasses. 2) Gary is the best fake name ever! We're visualizing a big gray guy who eats comments for lunch. —SparkNotes editors

Hi Auntie:

Well, here's the scoop. I just transferred to a new school in September, and I'm quite the shy person. Then in my art class, I made friends with a guy (let's call him Gary) and now we're pretty close friends. During that time, I started making friends with other people and during the lunch period I'd eat in the art room with a couple other people. Gary ate there too with his girlfriend and cousin. One time, I tried saying 'hi' to him during lunch time, but he shook his head 'no' and I was rather confused.

That night on MSN, he told him his girlfriend didn't like me. I've never talked to her in my life! And apparently she doesn't like me because she thinks I look like her (and even Gary doesn't think I look anything like her). So for the past few months, we've basically avoided any direct conversations with each other if there's a chance that his girlfriend would walk into the room (I know, it's silly right?). I've tried talking to her before and she gave me the coldest glare ever. And now, she and Gary keep getting into more arguments and fights. I feel so bad, although Gary keeps telling me it's not my fault, and I didn't do anything, but still. Every time we go out to the mall, or when I invite him and a few friends to come with me to visit my old school, he always has to lie to her about who he's going with. Any suggestions Auntie?

I suggest that you retreat to a safe distance, because Gary and his girlbomb are about to go nuclear.

Your friend is right about one thing: None of this is your fault. But that's the only thing he's right about; everything else he's done in this situation adds up to a giant pile of FAIL. You can't help it if your friend is dating a nutjob, but he certainly can—and the first time his girlfriend made mention of her totally irrational dislike of you, the proper response from Gary should have been, "WHOOOOAKAY. Smell ya later, crazypants!"

Instead, it appears that Gary was tragically born without balls. (Or, alternately, he thrives on drama and loves the conflict he's created here.)

But what's going on there doesn't matter, really, because you need to worry about you. It's understandable that you feel conflicted about causing problems in Gary's relationship, but the truth is, you aren't causing problems; he and his girlfriend are, by acting like doinks. They're making a mess. Your job is to stand aside, and not walk into the middle of it.

So, stop concerning yourself with the state of their relationship, which you can't control, and start worrying about the one thing you can control: your own behavior. It sounds like you're already pretty good at staying uninvolved in things that aren't your business, so if you're doing something that makes you uncomfortable, stop. If hanging out with Gary seems wrong to you, say, "I don't feel okay about seeing you when I know you're lying to your girlfriend about it. I don't want to be party to something like that." On the other hand, if you like Gary and you know you're not doing anything wrong, then keep hanging out with him while gracefully avoiding the quagmire of his relationship problems. You can always change the subject, or distance yourself if things don't seem quite right.

Basically, your own moral compass is your best guide. As long as what you're doing feels right to you, you won't have to worry about what's wrong with them.

Which, as far as I can tell, is a lot.

Confused? Conflicted? Comment burning up your brain? Leave your feedback below, or send questions for Auntie to advice@sparknotes.com.