9 Ways of Keeping People Out of Your Personal Space

Standing next to AllisonJY on a crowded bus? Better get off at the next stop. —SparkNotes editors

One of the most irritating things in today's world is lack of personal space, particularly where public transport is concerned. People no longer keep a reasonable distance from one another, and I’ve met many people who think it's acceptable to stand approximately two centimeters from me. I’ve also seen complete strangers pressed against each other nonchalantly on the train as they perused the morning paper, and frankly, the sight disturbed me. I mean, you don’t know the intention of these people. Why do you want to provide an opportunity for some perverse individual?

Like a visiting fireman at my preschool once told me, prevention is better than cure. So instead of letting people get too close and then complaining afterward, I choose to keep strangers at a distance in the first place. Here are my tips:

1. Say “I’m claustrophobic,” and break into snotty tears.

Aim your fluids at the most dubious-looking character, or the one pressing against your kidney. Then go into a full-fledged panic attack, complete with hiccups and breathlessness. (Note: This probably won’t work if you're in New York, because the people there have probably already experienced even more absurd situations.)

2. Scream “I WANT MY MUMMY” and flail your arms around.

Make sure you stab someone in the eye with your finger “accidentally.” Don’t apologize, and repeat 15 times. (Or until you get taken away by an officer, whichever comes first.)

3. Step on someone’s feet, then giggle like a ditz and say “Oops, sorry!”

Step on someone else’s, and then say the same thing. Continue doing this in a counterclockwise direction, until you have a 20 inch radius around you.

4. Fart really, really loudly, then turn to your neighbor and comment, “I had the best bean burrito/boiled cabbage/garlic bread this morning.”

Sniff the air and encourage him or her to join you.

5. Tell the person next to you that you feel like vomiting.

Say it really softly the first time, and when he or she tells you to repeat yourself, scream it. This usually works (trust me). The younger you are, the more effective it is. Bonus: Pull out a plastic bag with the bottom cut off and make retching noises. Pretend not to hear when your terrified neighbor tells you that your plastic bag is ripped.

6. Turn to your friend and say loudly, “Don’t you hate it when strangers are too close to you?” then shoot the offender a nasty look.

(Note: This doesn’t work with extremely dense people or self-centered idiots.)

7. Carry a HUGE backpack and slam it into people's stomachs.

Roll your eyes when they glare at you. Dig in your bag periodically for really small items, and make sure you employ maximum movement and fidgeting while doing so.

8. Do the killer glare.

It usually works better with eyeliner, but if you widen your eyes to the max, frown, breathe loudly, and flare your nostrils, you can still suitably terrorize someone who is inappropriately close to you.

9. Just tell the person, plainly and simply, that he/she is standing too near to you and you are very uncomfortable with the proximity.

If the person tries to be funny by moving even closer, punch him or her. (Aim for the nose, not the mouth, because teeth can hurt, and nasal cartilage collapses surprisingly easily. The sternum is a good place to hit, too.)

What do you do when people invade your personal space?

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