Chris Listens: The Ears Rest

You may have noticed that I’ve been rather scarce around these parts lately. And I apologize for that—I didn’t mean to leave you hanging! The thing is, I’ve been dealing with, you know, stuff. Stuff that would actually make pretty good fodder for Chris Listens: family illness, an overload of professional commitments, and a pneumonia-hives double whammy that pretty much knocked my block off. I considered sending an email to myself (subject line “DUDE! PLEASE HELP YOURSELF”). But then I took some cough medicine and went to sleep.

I’m taking a little breather to complete my recovery. Call it a break, a hiatus, a pause, a gap, a rip in the fabric of spacetime. But don’t worry, I love this column and will return to it.

When your Cats in Hats mini wall calendar reads May, I'll be back. I would like to return sooner, but I don’t want to overpromise and under-deliver. I’d rather surprise you and pop up like a happy crocus breaking through the spring thaw. Unfortunately, my evil twin Craig was not available to take my place at the helm of this ship. But, in the meantime, you can still send your burning questions to Auntie SparkNotes at advice@sparknotes.com. She gives great advice! And if you have a question you think has been answered here before, you can pore over previous columns and see if any of my old advice pertains to your new situation.

In the meantime, here are a few parting listens.

I have a bit of a Facebook dilemma. About 4 months ago, I basically stopped using Facebook due to a massive load of schoolwork (I'm in high school). When I decided to check what was happening on my account, my very close relative posted a poll asking if I was ugly or not.  I'm thinking of permanently deleting this relative. What do you think?

Before you go jabbing the “Delete” button with wild abandon, you might want to confront your relative about this nefarious poll to let him/her know you don’t appreciate it. Why did s/he create it? To make you feel bad? As a joke? Because s/he was bored? To get back at you for something? Was his/her account hacked? Deleting your relative will probably send a pretty clear message, but it might be better to address the matter directly, because ideally you want to have some kind of dialogue before erasing this person from your digital life forever. Who knows, maybe you’ll have a constructive conversation about it and your relationship both on and offline will be improved. And maybe you won't. But you gotta try. If talking about it doesn’t work, then feel free to delete, even if it means you have to go back onto Facebook for a few minutes and risk being sucked back into a vortex of polls and poking and inane status updates. Just be prepared for the consequences. The next time you are at a family picnic, your deleted relative might want to know why you dissed him/her on the 'book, and it might be uncomfortable. But then again, family picnics are pretty much always uncomfortable.

So I've noticed there have been a lot of "I'm in love with my best friend" type posts around Sparknotes lately. Well, I tried to drop the F with my guy BFF who I've known since 6th grade (I'm a second semester senior). I guess it was a little late, but I figured if I was ever going to do it, I'd better do it now. Well, to make a long, complicated, convoluted, catastrophic story short... it didn't work. He does not return my feelings and I ended up sobbing all over him. I feel like an idiot and I every time I think I'm going to be okay, I start crying again (plus I'm sick). I don't even know if I really like him, or if this is just my way of trying to hold on to him before college. He was really fantastic about it, which in some way makes it even worse. It's easier to get over a jerk than a wonderful guy. My friends have been really supportive and everything, but I'm still miserable and am mostly afraid that I've ruined seven years of close friendship with this guy. I know he cares so much about me... but again, that makes it even worse. Any tips on making it work?

It sounds like you need to think about moving on instead of making it work. If he’s not into a romantic relationship, you have to learn to accept that, as difficult as it is. If you try to force the issue, there is a chance you might lose him as a friend, and that would suck, because it seems you truly value his friendship. You say that you don’t even know if you really like him, so I wouldn’t do anything drastic that might permanently alter your relationship at this point. In fact, I’d recommend lying low. Try to focus on other things—school, friends, extracurricular activities, books, unwatched episodes of your favorite TV series, your future college life. In a few weeks, check back on your heart. It’s possible that with time your romantic feelings will fade. You need to be a little patient and see what happens. If you find yourself being highly emotional around this boy, you might want to reduce the amount of time you spend with him in the immediate future. Or, if the two of you are friends, it might be just as helpful to spend time with him as a friend so you can be comfortable with that sort relationship. Good luck!

My first boyfriend and I recently broke up because my parents have decided to lock me in my house (not really, but pretty close...) because they found out I was dating him. I never had any rules about dating in the first place, but I see that they were upset because I lied to them about the whole situation, waiting for a good time to tell them. We still love each other. I'm ready to just sneak around with him until I move out because I think my parents are being completely unfair in never giving him a fighting chance, and I'm tired of being totally depressed. Is that whole "rebel" thing bad?

Well, I suppose it depends on what you are rebelling against. In this case, it sounds like you are being a little hasty by jumping straight to rebelling as the solution to your problems. If you think your parents are being completely unfair, you should talk to them about it instead of secretly defying their wishes and then moving out. Explain to them that your boyfriend means a lot to you, that you were planning to tell them about him, and that you want to be able to have a healthy relationship with him without sneaking around behind their backs. If you and your parents never talked about dating, you certainly have a fair argument. But if you lied to them, then their argument makes a bit more sense. So in this situation, I think rebelling takes a back seat to communicating. Your parents are more likely to see you as a mature, responsible person who is ready to date if you are capable of talking to them about an issue that is important to you. Otherwise they may see you as unwilling to confront something that is bothering you because you are too scared to openly discuss it. So don’t be scared. Talk to them soon. If they absolutely forbid you from seeing this boy, you may need to figure out how to keep your relationship alive. You can cross that bridge if and when you come to it, but only after you take a nice long drive down Civilized Discussion Highway.

Hi Chris. This is related to the question a few weeks ago about AvPD. A while ago, a friend and I were arguing about something and she told me that she thought I was bipolar. After doing research, I thought WHOA oh my gosh, this is crazy. It seemed exactly like what I was going through, just what I felt happened much faster. It's even in my genetics, I researched that, too. It's like I can't even stay in the same mood for more than six hours, sometimes less. I'll come to school feeling great, then later that morning, I'll feel so bad that all I want to do is curl up into a little ball and die. Then I'll feel happy later in the afternoon and I'll start dancing randomly. Not always though, it changes a lot, this is just an example. But it's getting crazy. I tried talking to my dad about it, but he didn't believe me. I don't know who to turn to, the friend I always talked to about my problems is mad at me because I won't fix them. But fixing them involves talking to my parents, which I already tried. I'd talk to my mom, but I doubt she'd listen either because she doesn't want to think that there’s ANYTHING wrong in my life. It feels like I have no one to talk to. I'm so lonely, and my mood swings are just getting worse. Any advice?

If you think you are bipolar or depressed, you should definitely find a way to speak to a therapist or psychiatrist. You shouldn't diagnose yourself. Your parents should be your first connection to a therapist, so I think you need to try to talk to them again as soon as possible. Giving it one try with your dad and zero tries with your mom is not enough. No matter what you think they think about the situation, you need to make an effort to communicate with them so they can get you help. Maybe your dad will believe you if you are persistent, and maybe your mom will be more open than you think. You definitely shouldn’t anticipate how your mom will react, as you’re just shutting down a potential source of help before you even try it.

So give your parents another shot. You might even want to talk to them together. If talking is too stressful, write down your thoughts in a letter or email. Whatever you do, say something to them; don't write them off as unhelpful. If you try voicing your concerns multiple times and your parents simply won’t get you help, then you have a few other options. You can speak to a school counselor or the school nurse, talk to a trusted teacher, approach a relative, or reach out to a friend’s parent. As for your mood swings, only a professional can tell you what they mean or how to treat them, which is why it’s important that you talk to your parents soon. Have courage and go for it! I know you can do it!

Hi! I was wondering how you feel about the "Turkey Nebula" as a new name for the Orion Nebula. It looks like one, no?

Hi! I feel good about “Turkey Nebula.” In fact, if I someday open an astronomy-themed sandwich shop, I will put that on my menu. It will be composed of bits of turkey, bread, and condiments, but strewn haphazardly all over a plate. You’ll need a spoon to eat it.

This is going to be fairly long, and for that I apologize. I have a friend who attends a neighboring school, and I only get to see her about once a month. We're really close though, and text each other constantly. We trust each other completely. I've known her since this summer, and sometimes I've noticed she would be sad. Really sad. It would come and go though, and when I was with her, she was always fine. But over the past two weeks she started getting even more depressed. She talked about suicide, often. I had gone through depression and wanted to kill myself before, and at first I thought she'd be fine, but we were supposed to be hanging out this weekend when she said, "Yeah that sounds good, if I'm still alive." Right then I kind of freaked. She was going to kill herself, I knew it. My gut was telling me I had to do something about this. So I said, “Either you tell someone about this right now or I will." Then she got mad, really mad. At she sent me all these texts saying things like, "If you care about me you won't do this. I will never speak to you again, and you know I mean that." I was with two of my other friends at a park when all this happened and I just broke down crying. I had no idea what to do. I could either tell her counselor and lose my best friend, or ignore it. But I knew I wouldn't be able to live with myself if she hurt herself or died. I ended up telling. It was the hardest decision I'll make in a long time. With the help of my mom I called her school counselor who then told her parents. It's been two days and I haven't heard from her since. I'm so worried about her. I tried to text her once, but she didn't reply. I have no idea how her parents reacted or anything. And I feel absolutely awful, I had to betray my best friend in order to save her life. I've tried talking to other people, but no one gets this. Everyone just keeps saying I did the right thing and I'm tired of hearing that. So now for the question part: Why does doing the "right thing" sometimes make you feel so bad? And how should I handle this, should I try to talk to my friend again, or let it go?

Let me start off by saying that I am really really glad that you were there for your friend, and that you still are there for her. I know you were in a super-tough spot, but what’s important is that your friend got help. Would it have been "better" if she’d asked for help herself? Probably. But there’s no guarantee that would have happened, and I’m proud that you did what you did. Your experience with depression is invaluable here, so I trust your judgment in notifying your friend's counselor and parents about her condition. Unfortunately, there are some situations where you are going to feel bad no matter what you do. In this instance, you would have felt just as bad—if not worse— had you not said anything, and there might have been more unfortunate consequences where your friend’s health is concerned.

Try not to think of what you did as right or wrong; it’s just something you felt had to happen, and so you did it. Judging it as right or wrong after the fact isn’t going to change anything. You might continue to feel bad for a while, but you need to keep looking forward. I think you should definitely try to talk to your friend again, as that is one thing that might make you feel better. Try to get in touch with her a few more times by calling, emailing, or texting. If you don't get a response, you might want to get your mom’s help to contact your friend’s parents or her counselor. Obviously, this is a private matter, so a counselor might not give you any information, but it's understandable that you would want to know what’s going on. Your friend very well might be mad at you right now, but you should try your best not to take it personally, as she may be feeling very exposed and sensitive. The important thing is that you keep letting your friend know that no matter what happens, you are there for her. She needs the support of as many people as possible, and regardless of what happens with your friendship, it's good if she knows you care about her. I hope you are able to get in touch with her soon.

Well, you see I have this problem. Obviously. My friend, she’s like my sister, got raped. Her parents found out and took her to the police and the hospital. Unfortunately, she doesn’t have the best relationship with them. So she never tells them how she feels. Is there anything I can do to help her out? Any tips, warning signs...?

I’m terribly sorry to hear about your friend. Even if your friend and her parents don’t get along, it’s very good that they took her to the police and the hospital, as there are serious consequences to being raped, in terms of both the law and your friend’s physical/mental well being. As a friend, there are definitely some things you can do to help. First, you should make sure she is getting the kind of support she needs from her family and elsewhere. Listen to what your friend tells you. She may want to talk about what happened, and you should let her choose when, where, and how to talk about it. Be open and supportive and make it clear that you believe your friend and that you are concerned about her. Reinforce that she is not to blame and let her know that you do not subscribe to any of the common myths about rape. Your friend may have suffered extreme humiliation, so let her know you do not see her as defiled or immoral. Realize that you may have strong feelings about the trauma, and if needed, seek counseling for yourself. Avoid communicating your biases and negative emotions to your friend.

Finally, will your friend be speaking to a therapist or other professional about what happened? If she wants to talk to someone but can't get help through her parents, it's possible that you and your parents might be able to assist her in finding appropriate resources, either through school or a local social services office. It's important that she doesn't keep her feelings bottled up. If she needs to speak to someone immediately, she can call the National Sexual Assault Hotline at 1-800-656-HOPE. You and she can get more support at RAINN.org. Above all, you need to be patient, as recovering from rape can be a slow, painful process. Let your friend proceed at her own pace and support her any way you can. I'm glad she has you as a friend!

Stay safe and have a great late winter and a splendid early spring! See you soon!

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