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The Friday Awards

The Friday Awards

By Emily Winter

Chin up, sad sacks! We don't want to make you cry because of the commenting explosion! The commenting explosion is a good problem; we'd rather have zillions of enthusiastic writers and readers than two dumbheads with nothing to say except, "my butt itches so poignantly" or something sad like that.

If you're feeling low about making Dan cry (why does no one care about the scissor tossing going on around here???), pretend you're in this stock photo, where all the kids look like they're trying out for Degrassi: The Even Nextier Generation.

Need more inspiration to get happy for the weekend? How about...some awards!

Happy Birthday to book_wormm!!!

Happy Belated Birthday to ZoeiGirl!!!

The Best Prom Ever Awards go to...

...Emberlynn54 for...

I've decided that i'm not going to prom, i mean why pay $50 bucks to go dance to some weird random music when i can dance in my own room to music that is actually god and not handpicked by a teacher for absolutely free

...and to feelslikepaper for...

I hate prom, everyone makes it so dramatic and it's not worth it. Last year, a bunch of my friends and I had a "Morp" in which we did not go to the prom. We made shirts that said, "Morp: Prom's evil twin", went out to dinner, played a crazy game of capture the flag, and took about a billion ridiculous pictures. Oh, and we gave everyone a title instead of just having a King and Queen. I was the Dungeon Master.
We'll probably actually go to prom this year, but I hope we just go as a massive group. After prom, school is over in two weeks. Why would you bother with romance when you are soooo close to freedom?

The Winter Sports Award goes to Feathery_Snidget for this comment on the Olympics...

*loves the olympics* I can tell a salchow from a daffy! In fact, I can land a double salchow. ^_^ It's seriously awesome watching those olympic skaters.
Well Weir might not have skated to Gaga, but he sure did have a pretty, well...pretty costume. Pink, black, and ruffly. xD Too bad my favorite skaters messed up. &_&
I would like to send out a message: kindly stop FLOODING your local ice rinks because you want to skate like you saw on TV. Or, if you do visit your local ice rink, don't point, stare, and gape at the skaters, and don't stand still in the middle of the ice. It's dangerous.

The rebel_of_nowhere Award for Twilight Cleverness goes to (dun dun dunnn) rebel_of_nowhere for these comments....

I always thought 'rhetorical' sounded like a kind of fish, with maroon scales.

If a vampire drank chipmunk blood, would they start to talk in squeaky voices like the mice from 'Cinderella'?

Bella's so ready for eternal commitment and horizontal naked dancing, I don't see why she can't commit to being married. She wants to be a sparkly animated stone for eternity but doesn't want to have to wear a ring.

Somebody needs to tell Bella to listen to "Single Ladies".

The Your School Dance Names/Policies are Hilarious Awards go to...

...Lex1129 for this comment on the Sadie Hawkins post...

my school calls our girls ask guys dance morp instead of sadie hawkins.

...exhilarating10 for this comment on the Catholic school dance post...

I go to a catholic school and its a bit different. We are aloud to wear any type of dresses and everyone likes to dance. Were just not aloud to dance dirty or else we'll go to the dirty room. of course some get away with it. but if you get caught you stay in this room for 30 min.. then we have a random drug test and the ten commandment of dancing we have to fallow.

...to kylxy for this comment on the same post...

I go to a Catholic High School... with nuns.... as chaperones. yay. The dances consist of you can be in the courtyard or in the activity center, you can drink water out of paper cup, if you dance even the slightest bit innapropriately, they play beach boys for the rest of the night.

...and to forfun0912 for...

"you back it up, we'll kick it out" hahahah catholic approach on grinding

The Something Sweet Award goes to nap_attack for this comment on the post about how people use SparkNotes...

Our English teacher looks down on SparkNotes, but personally, SparkNotes, I love you.  I always read you after I have read the book and then you suddenly make me see the deeper meaning beneath the literal story.  Then you make me marvel at the authors for putting in all of that deeper meaning, which I sensed unconsciously while I was reading but couldn't put into words.  Basically, you make me realize just how genius books are.
SparkNotes, your example teaches us how to appreciate the classics.  : )

The Grossicles Award for Maximum Grossness goes to MaggieGirl2013 for this comment on the movies you might have missed post...

Hm, 1995 was the year I was born. You Sparknotes editors are old... (MWAH HAHA!)

The To-Do List Awards go to...

...beagle48644 for this personal to-do list...

Me:
1. Take impossible honors classes
2. Complain about the work
3. Read sparklife
4. Complain
5. Cry
6. Sign up for honors classes next year
7. Complain

...to SWesting49 for...

The to-do list Marcus Zuzak, author of The Book Thief:
1. Use impressive imagery.
2. Try reeealy reeaally hard to be important.
3. Make people feel sad about children.
4. Use more abstract words to create important-sounding images.
5. Inject unneeded gravity into every. Single. Word. (See what I did there?)
6. Make people feel confused as well as sad about children, but also really angry at him.
7. Die. (Or at least give up writing.)

...to gilbs211 for...

Lady Macbeth
1.)Encourage husband to kill king
2.)be queen
3.)TRY TO GET FLIPPIN SPOT OFF OF MY HANDS!

...to hanini_panini for...

Sparklife To-Do list:
1. Help with homework
2. Give advice!
3. Be funny
4. Get love letters/proposals
5. Take over the world! MUAHHAHAHHAH

...to nightshade5509 for...

Emmett Cullen:

1. Be awesome
2. Practice using stilt-swords
3. Be awesome
4. Get jetpack lessons from the werewolves
5. Be awesome
6. Kick some newborn vampire a**
7. Be awesome

..to AnnelaLauren for...

Barney Fife (come on, Andy Griffith Show fans!):

1. Become Mayberry deputy for cousin Andy
2. Keep bullet in pocket
3. Argue with Otis
4. Eat lunch right on time
5. Arrange Helen and Andys' "marriage"
6. Practice my marvelous singing voice
7. Don't let Andy wear my hat (my mother was the same way, couldn't stand people wearing her hat)
8. Don't lock myself in the cells.

LOL Points to...

...embracethecheese for this comment on the pencil abuse post...

at my school, a couple of my friends like to make "Eraser Babies" during science. Seriously. All they do is just erase into a little pile of shavings, and then they smush them back together to make a squishy "eraser baby".

Does anybody still feel like telling me boys are normal?

...to Kathryn_H for this comment on the same post...

I'm a pencil chewer. And I lose my pencil first period almost every day, so I always have to borrow. I'm sorry world! I really do try to remember my pencils, and I try not to chew on others' pencils, but I can't help myself!! I'm just out of control.

...to nightshade556 for...

My mom suggested keeping a Hannah Montana pencil in my pencil box (yes, it's a box) so I could loan it out to other people. That way, I'd always get it back, because no one wants a Hannah Montana pencil. And also, if I lost it, I wouldn't care, because once again, it's a Hannah Montana pencil. Problem solved!

...to GoingBananas for this comment on the weird festivals post...

my mom said today and i quote "oh today is ash wednesday. its a holy day of no meat" what? seriously, i think my mom is nuts

...to nonickname34 for this comment on the same post...

Mmmmmmm . . . Garlic! There's a sauerkraut festival near where I live. You can get sauerkraut ice cream. And the whole town smells really bad ...

...to kateinsd for this comment on the bus post...

There was a bus driver at my middle school who wore amazing hats with stuffed animals and feathers and other miscellaneous items dangling from the brim. He also played the ukulele.

...to neomaxizoomdwbi for this comment on the same post...

Question!  Do all of the Sparklife Editors get so used to saying "we think" instead of "I think" in their posts that they do it even after they get off of Sparknotes? I can just see Dan getting pulled over by a cop, and asking him, "Why are we getting the ticket?" And the cop saying, "Your the only one in the car."  and Dan saying, "We know."

(Answer: We have no idea what you're talking about.)

...to misssunshine1010 for...

Me and my sister read SparkLife... And lately I've noticed that we'll be watching a TV show, and making fun of it (The Bachelor, anyone?) And somebody on the show will say something, then I'll say something, then me and my sister will look at each other and be all "DAN POST!" because whatever we just said was related to a Dan post.

...to FadingRose for this comment on the mock trial post...

Last year, our AP Euro teacher was passing back tests A kid looked at his grade and was like "ughhh...FML" The teacher looked back and was like, "You know... teachers arent stupid. We know what that stands for...... FRUIT MAH LOOP!!"

...to Pusanna for this comment on the cell phone obit post...

I am now on my fifth phone...or is it the sixth? The first two phones died in the washer. The third was replaced by a new phone, which died after my mother pushed me into the pool with it in my pocket. My cat peed on the last one.

...to lmaonaise for this comment on the same post...

I recently laid dear old Mary to rest. She was a Virgin Mobile VMX (Her namesake was the Virgin Mary). She was often referred to as the 'indestructible phone', due to her surviving at least 250 falls (more than half on concrete), being dropped in the ocean (that was a close call), and sitting in direct sunlight for 6 hours inside our furnace of a car (around 40 degrees celcius - over a hundred fahrenheit). Then, I walked home in the rain from school. All my books survived without even getting damp. I opened up my waterproof front bag pocket (the zip was open slightly) and found Mary literally floating. I cried for days.

...to kylxy for...

a poem for my motorola Rizr.
We've been together a year and a half
my longest relationship by far.
Through thick and thin you and I have been
though I turn you off in my car.
Remember when out of my pocket you flew
and the gravel destroyed your screen?
your back and battery are all scratched up
your programing makes me scream.
In 6 months we are over.
I can't wait for my mytouch to come.
I'll trade you in in a heartbeat
And Chariots of fire I shall hum.
I can't wait to bury you forever
though I promise I'll be kind.
I'll bury you next to the hamsters we had
I hope brownie and nibbles won't mind.
Sparknotes would scoff at that awful spelling
that you think is for easy buys.
I hope your name is false, though
I never want you to rise.

...to krazyhaley13 for...

Blackberry 8110- Haphazardly, Greg was dropped in a lake during a mid-summer swim with my sister. Surprisingly he still lived for approximately three days afterward only to abruptly die in the midst of an important conversation. Shortly after his revival, Greg was in a car accident. He was ran over in my driveway by my mother, driving “The Shaggin Waggin” (a Buick Rendezvous), on the way to the vet. He was soon replaced by one of his twin brothers, who sadly drown in my washing machine two weeks later. He was yet to be named.

...to 2emalha for this comment on the yucky boys post...

I know a guy who goes for the hair gel AND the tanktops....he's a WEE bit of a narcissus....he took pictures of himself on his I-phone and sent them to Calvin Klein...poor delusional boy

...to jonanners for this comment on the same post...

Ha ha! Pick up lines are pretty horrible. I had a guy come up and say "My love for you is just like diarrhea, I can't hold it in." Good times, good times >.<

...to TheRaesoftheSun for this comment on the post about how people use SparkNotes...

At my school using sparknotes is considered "cheating". 'Cause, you know, god forbid we actually understand what we're reading.

....to stephi10490 for this comment on the Auntie SparkNotes doin' it with your BFF post...

What a wonderfil picture. I've never seen a borderline stick-figure with nipples before

...to LadyLLeafdawn for this comment on the same post...

discrimination of the un-hymened?

I'm speechless... in a good way

...to logininfo224 for this comment on 5 Bands Everyone Should Know...

oh god, imagine if we put ProposeWithOreos and dairymilk42 together. That would be awesome. YUM.

...to Tigress_188 for this comment on the More Mythical Creatures post...
I HATE the Wire Witch! And I am the constant victim of the Truth Fairy. No one ever taught me to use my internal censor.

...to pennboz for this comment on the prom guide...

I went prom dress shopping with my best friend and her mom last year. I've never heard so much yelling in a public location before... *shudders

...to Tuckaa for...

Prom is a smelly american (no offence) tradition that makes people feel pathetic and lonely :\
not that im bitter or anything..

I go to an all girls school, i literally know NO guys

:'(

...to home9310 for this comment on the open thread on Thursday...

...I still think cottage cheese is gross and should not be allowed to torture helpless human beings that unknowingly eat it just cause it was in a grocery store. That is where I stand on the subject and I will not be moved.

...to Nillabee for this comment on this week's Awesome Thing...

that guy is really awesome. the only thing i'd ever attempt in there is putting on my pants two legs at the same time. but not while jumping. i'd probably be lying on the floor, and the pants would be a pair of skinnies...

...to Julez_Eliza for this comment on the same post...

wow. this is like if spiderman and a circus clown procreated.

...to right_writer for...

Aw man, I'm so jealous. The most ninja-like thing I can do is give really good piggy back rides. And I can slap hard. Maybe I'll look into learning some ninja skills...

...to MusicIsTheOnlyHi for this comment on college urban legends...

Our Latin teacher is said to have had seven husbands. She also eats students occasionally. Oh yeah, and the electric pencil sharpener is cursed to only work on one half of the room. She gets a lot of this because she buried an ancient Roman coin under her room while it was being built. That might be a rumor as well, but I've always believed it regardless.

...to KrystleKC for this comment on the same post...

I'm not in college (yet!) but my brother is. And his friend (who is a pharmacy major) told him that the cafeteria puts laxatives in the food so that if there is anything bad in it, the food will move through your system quickly. I don't really believe it, but he does. Come to think of it, that might be why he decided to become a vegetarian this semester.

...to chels030 for this comment on the bad grades post...

The Lucky Number 13 Award goes to DrHorriblesClone for this comment on the bad grades post...

I got a 13% on a government quiz once, and in Calculus I managed to prove that spheres don't exist. My calc teacher thought it was funny, though, and helped me fix it.

The Gossip Girl Award goes to dance4life51 for this comment on Thursday's open thread...

random piece of information for the day: Emma watson almost didn't return to play hermione in HP6 and 7 but finally decided to because "she couldn't bear to see anyone else play the part"

The Chicago Award (Ashley's not the only one from Chicago. You get points from being from my hood...you just do.) goes to endlessligh44 for...

Ashley lives in Chicago?? For some reason I thought she lived in somewhere far, far away like New York or Los Angeles. I live in Chicago! Well, a suburb. It's close. Want to get together sometime, Ashley? Is that even legal? Are Sparklers allowed to meet writers? Wow. I've never even dared to think about meeting you guys. Other than meeting Dan at the werewolf party. Or at the solarium for rice pudding. A whole world has been opened up to my mind. Haha.

The SparkLife Has taken Over Your Unconscious Award goes to count_olaf for...

So in my dream the other night, our school yearbooks came
out it was unusual for three reasons:
1) they were in green ink (weird)
2) my classmates and I received them while standing in a forest of birch trees, and
3) under everyone's picture was their SparkLife nickname. I was like, hey I
didn't know peaceonearth34 goes to my school!

So, SparkLife, I guess my brain thinks you're really important. Just FYI.

Nickname of the Week goes to gummybeararmygeneral

The WE FEEL YOU Award goes to PolarStar1 for this comment on Thursday's open thread...

I'm so BEHIND in comments

"Confrats," Friampsters!

Topics: The Internets
Tags: friday awards

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