Talking to a Friend After a Tragedy

When news hits that a classmate’s family member died, it’s shocking. Days later, when the student returns to school, you may not know what to say or do. Should you bring it up? Say nothing? Pretend to be this person’s best friend? A few years ago, after a battle with cancer, my mom passed away. I was just out of school by this point, but I still had to march into work a week later and have everyone stare at me. I know what it’s like. If your friend, or even an acquaintance, is coming back to school after suffering a tragedy, here's what to do.

1. Say hello (or hi, howdy, wassup)
Don’t treat the person like he’s a ghost. Chances are he doesn’t know how he feels. There are no words, poems, or paintings that accurately describe the sense of loss. A simple greeting can remind him that the rest of the world is still chugging along. And that can be nice. But don’t offer a high five. Or a low five. In fact, cease all fiving for a few days. Use fist bumps sparingly.

2. Offer condolences
You don’t need to pour your heart out. Saying, “I’m so sorry for your loss,” or even, “I heard what happened. I’m sorry,” will do just fine. But if you say nothing at all, it will seem strange. With regards to hugs, there’s no right answer. Hug if you feel like hugging. If you’re not a hugger, you may want to avoid the hug, because your lack of hugging experience means your hugs will be awkward and look more like a wrestling move than a sign of compassion.

3. Gossip
One of the reasons the person is returning to school is to get back into a normal routine. And this means catching up on all the gossip that he missed during the previous week. Tell him what happened…everything. Even if it seems mundane to you, it will help him feel normal again. And if you want to embellish the stories to make them more interesting, I give you permission. (But keep it within reason. It’s OK to say, “James and Tara were full-on making out,” when they were really only pecking on the cheek. Don’t say, “James and Tara had sex. And everyone saw everything!”)

4. Jokes are OK (sometimes)
This is going to differ depending on the person. When I went back out into the world, I enjoyed hearing funny stories and jokes. I wasn’t ready to go to a stand-up comedy show, but the usual goofy things my friends said were more than welcome. If you do say something funny, don’t expect your classmate to laugh, or even smile. That comes later. And it should go without saying to steer clear of jokes about death.

5. Try not to stare
It’s hard not to gawk at the person. When I went back to work, a few people looked at me, perhaps wondering when I was going to burst into tears…or flames. This only lasted for the few minutes, but I felt like I was under a microscope. After you greet the person, do him a favor: look the other way and go back to whatever it is you were doing.

6. And finally, remember that it’s OK to slip up
This will happen a few weeks or months later, but at some point, you will put your foot in your mouth and accidentally say something to your classmate like, “What are you getting your mom for Mother’s Day?” Relax. You’re not the first person to slip up, and you won’t be the last. Your friend has probably dealt with dozens of such situations. Just say you’re sorry, and continue talking.

I hope this helps. And if you're currently dealing with the loss of a loved one, know that you will come out of the experience a better, stronger person. I know that sounds like greeting card crap, but it's the truth.

Have you lost someone important in your life? What advice would you give people?