Auntie SparkNotes: Friends with Benefits

Dear Auntie Sparknotes,
Alright...so. I kinda really want to have sex with my best friend. THIS IS BAD. I KNOW.
Some background history: I'd had a crush on this kid forever, we started dating a while back, but amicably broke up a month later because we were both just super-stressed out and overwhelmed by school, and had no time to make things work. We've still remained friends, and have grown really close as of late. I love this boy with all my heart, but not in the wanting-a-relationship-y way or anything. He's just my best friend in the world, and my favorite person ever. That's how I see him most of the time. But then, every so often, it's like there's two of him: there's the boy who's my best friend, and then there's the boy I dated once, and still am kinda totally physically attracted to. But the attraction is only physical. I promise!

We talk about sex sometimes, increasingly so, as of late. We're both virgins, and we both hate it. We both have the same views on sex, and we both acknowledge that despite our willingness, we're both total weirdos who no one wants to sleep with, to be frank, so we're pretty much stuck. He's really the only guy that I know who I'd want to lose it to. He's the only one I trust, and the only person I really feel any connection with. But at the same time, he's also my best friend, my bandmate, and I don't want to ruin what we've got just because I'm some frustrated, hormonal teenager.

SO. Advice. This is an absolutely horrible situation to be in, I know. I've just been ignoring these feelings, and probably will continue to do so for the rest of forever, but it is super frustrating. And I can't help but get the message from our conversations that he feels the same way towards me. So...what say you?

I say...blergh.

Auntie SparkNotes, despite being infinitely wise and powerful, is not interested in telling you whether or not to have sex. As a young woman, it's up to you to decide when, why, and with whom you do it. (Minus the possible legal implications, I mean. I'm assuming, for the sake of my own sanity, that you're both of consenting age and would be taking the necessary precautions.)

What I can do, however, is point out a few things that you should factor into your decision. Ready?

Thing #1: There's no reason to hate on your virginity.
Seriously, what's going on there? Is having an intact hymen really cramping your style that much? Because, to point out the obvious, it's really fine that you haven't had sex yet. In high school, that's pretty much the normal state of affairs. While having sex just to get it out of the way is something a frustrated 25-year-old might do, for you, it's kinda jumping the gun. Which means that you should consider removing "I hate being a virgin" from your list of reasons to get busy. Sex isn't a goal in and of itself. You don't get any prizes for doing it.

Thing #2: Having sex doesn't change you...
...but it does change your relationship with the person you've had it with. Yeah, I know, duh. But unfortunately, there's no way to predict how the relationship will change—which is why, when you're first starting out, having sex outside the confines of a monogamous relationship is unbelievably tricky. You don't know yet how you, personally, feel about sex. Some people can deal with a casual friends-with-benefits relationship, but it's not for everyone. And if you jump into the sack only to find out that the experience is super-emotional for either one of you, someone might end up feeling used, feelings will get hurt, and your friendship will officially become complicated. So be aware: while having sex with your best friend isn't necessarily going to ruin the relationship, it definitely muddies the waters, and you have to be prepared to deal with any potential fallout.

Thing #3: The elephant in the room.
Allow me to be blunt: The first time you have sex, it's usually not great. It's awkward, it's messy, it's (potentially) painful, and it's over in about three seconds—and that's going to be the case whether you're having it in high school, in college, or in a heart-shaped jacuzzi on the eve of your state-sanctioned wedding. It takes time to figure out what you're doing...which is why, generally, people recommend losing your virginity to someone you love. Not because having sex for purely physical reasons is bad or wrong, but because learning the ropes is better when you've got a trusted partner (i.e. someone you will want to continue to have sex with after your first attempt ends with him elbowing you in the eye and then falling off the bed.)

I do think you've got a few compelling reasons to wait, from "there's no rush" to "things could get awkward in band practice" to the fact that you're clearly not sure it's a good idea. (And let's face it: if you've got an awesome best friend, the last thing you want when you're hanging out is to look at him and think, "Ugh! I HATE THAT I'VE SEEN HIM NAKED.") And while you may both be total weirdos, this does not actually preclude you from meeting an even more suitable weirdo (like a long-term weirdo boyfriend) to sleep with. This is a chance to have sex, not your only chance. And while none of this is to say that you should or shouldn't—like I said, it's up to you—you'll want to be sure in your own mind that your decision is the right one for you.

P.S. Your name isn't "Juno," is it? Because if so, I have seen your future and it's craaaaazy.

Comments? Leave 'em below! Question for Auntie? Send it to advice@sparknotes.com.