Auntie SparkNotes: WHOOOOOOOOOOAKAY

Dear Auntie Sparknotes,
Ever since sixth grade, I have been friends with this girl, who for the sake of privacy I am calling... Um, Theresa. We were inseparable in sixth grade, but towards the end of seventh grade, we began drifting apart. She got more popular friends, and although she invited me to spend time with them, I’ve always been the shy type and I feel like I don’t really belong. She’s not mean or excluding, and neither are her new friends, but essentially I don’t feel comfortable with these people, and they don’t feel comfortable with me there. I’d rather hang out with Theresa alone, but she’s usually with other friends and I don’t want to be clingy and selfish.

So I start hanging out with another group, which is referred to by everyone else as the “no-life table”. We talk about books and writing and stuff, and I love spending time with them. They’re nice, and I can be myself around them. By then I was starting to feel like there’s a rift between me and Theresa, and then, this year, she got a boyfriend. He was a good guy friend to me, but now I dislike him. The problem is that he’s not very dislikeable. He’s not mean, he’s not ugly, he doesn’t do drugs. But I kept nagging Theresa about getting a boyfriend, even calling her stupid and hormonal. A few weeks later, I apologized, and I thought things were okay between us. But now there’s another problem: she and her boyfriend (Mr. Perfect) sit together, and walk together. At the end of the day, they “Hang out” at the lockers after school, and I usually wait until they’re gone before I come out. She talks about him constantly in homeroom, and it gets very hard to watch.

It’s not that they kiss or anything, but it’s just the idea... I don’t know. They walk down the hallway and Mr. Perfect looks down at her... the kind of subtle, casual relationship things that are cute in a movie but not on your best friend. And something about that makes me so mad I want to re-write the lyrics to Taylor Swift’s “Love Story” where Romeo leaves Juliet and she throws herself off the balcony. Really. I can’t even determine why I feel this way, but I’m fairly certain it’s one of the following:
A. I’m jealous of her because she’s not a socially awkward over-emotional maniac like yours truly, and because she has a boyfriend, something I’ll never get
B. I’m jealous of Mr. Perfect because he gets all her time
C. I was turned into a tomboy in my sleep
D. The whole idea of the shy, nervous girl I met in 6th grade has a boyfriend and... Ugh. They like each other A LOT.

I’m trying not to be unsupportive or discouraging, but I don’t know what to do. I’m afraid if things continue like this our friendship is over... How can I get my best friend back without having to watch her and her boyfriend do the little flirting thing?

Every so often, Sparklers, one of your sends me a letter that begs for a new, exclamatory word—something that would convey, for instance, the feelings of an advice columnist who is both amazed (like, "Whoa"), and also slowly backing away with her hands up (like, "Ohhhhhkay"). Something like...

WHOOOOOOOOOAAKAY.

Because the real question at hand is not "How can I get my best friend back without having to watch her flirting with her boyfriend?"— it's "Why does this bother me so much that I'm acting like a full-fledged loonypants?"

Listen: It's natural and normal for you to feel insecure/shaky/uncomfortable about your friendships right now. You're about to enter high school, your entire life is in transition, and the people around you have all turned into walking pubertal time bombs. Everything is changing, and it's not exactly sane-making stuff. But what doesn't make sense is fixating on your friend's first romantic relationship—which sounds sweet and age-appropriate and not at all problematic—and deciding that it's the source of all your problems. Sure, it can be annoying to hear her talk about him all the time, but there's no logical reason why seeing them together should bother you this much.

So, is this really about the boyfriend? Or is it something else?

To figure it out, try this: forget about Theresa's boyfriend for a second. Pretend he doesn't exist. Now, in this alternate reality, is everything immediately back to the way it was in 6th grade? Or are you and Theresa still in the same exact situation you are today, for reasons that have nothing to do with guys?

Yes, this is a rhetorical question. Because you said it yourself: You sensed a rift, you guys started drifting apart, your interests don't really line up the way they used to, and you've both found new groups of friends who make you feel happy and accepted (even if her new group is a tad snooty and obnoxious.)

Which leads us to a sad truth: Not all friendships last forever. And even the friendships that do survive a big transition, like the one you're going through, will rarely end up being exactly the same as they were. People change. So instead of pining for the boyfriend-free BFF of yesteryear, try to accept the friend you have now—one whose personality is evolving, just like yours.

So, pursue your friendship in the present. It's okay if you want to hang out with her one-on-one—that doesn't make you clingy or selfish, and in fact, it's probably the best way to maintain your friendship independent of your not-so-compatible social circles. Spend time with her, talk to her, see where your common ground still lies. And please, please stop harping on how gross it is that she's got a boyfriend, okay? This is not about being required to listen while she prattles on and on about The Great Love of Her Life for all eternity (if it gets tiresome, you're permitted a well-timed, "Hey, let's talk about something other than pookie-kins for, like, ten minutes, okay?"); it's about letting your friend be happy and comfortable in her own skin. She likes a guy. He likes her. It's not a bad thing.

It's going to take some adjusting, but if this friendship is important to you, you'll have to stop pining for the past. You can't "get back" the shy, nervous girl you met in sixth grade, any more than you can turn back the clock and wake up tomorrow in 2007. And, uh, why would you want to? Growing up is pretty sweet, you know. You get to drive, and vote, and make out with dudes. It's fun!

P.S. You will have a boyfriend, by the way. You'll probably have several.
P.P.S. No, really. Trust me.

Bemused? Befuddled? Bewitched? Leave your comments below, or email Auntie at advice@sparknotes.com.