How My English Class Uses SparkNotes

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My British Literature class just digested two Shakespeare plays back to back.  Generally, for the second portion of class, the teacher allowed us to either read quietly at our desks or head over to the computer lab to check out SparkNotes’ modern translation, No Fear Shakespeare. I’m talking about a group of American, suburban teenagers, so it’s probably no surprise to you that the majority of the kids, including myself, consistently chose to the second option.

Since I spent so much time in my school’s luxurious computer lab, I was inevitably exposed to the SparkNotes habits of my peers. What started off as an unintentional observation of my friends reading Shakespeare on SparkNotes quickly became a formulated hypothesis. I discovered that among my classmates there were several unique types of what I like to call “SparkNoters”:

“The Casual SparkNoter”

“The Casual SparkNoter” makes up a good 75% of the class. This variety of SparkNoter loves SparkNotes’s No Fear Shakespeare because it actually makes Shakespeare understandable and sort of enjoyable. Without SparkNotes, these students would be doomed, and therefore it is common to hear them saying positive things about SparkNotes.

Other key sign: They will do well on the quiz but rarely ace it.

“The SparkNotes is Nothing but Obnoxious Badness SparkNoter”
(abbreviated S.N.O.B.)

The “S.N.O.B. SparkNoters” are identified by their “I’m too good for SparkNotes" attitudes. They will never set foot out of the classroom when the teacher makes the computer lab available. As all of the “Casual SparkNoters” breathe a sigh of relief and ecstatically get up from their seats to head to the computer lab, the “S.N.O.B. SparkNoters” reach into their backpacks, pull out their textbooks, and immediately feel a rush of superiority.

If questioned about their actions, they will first deny that SparkNotes even exists. Then, with a European accent and hefty vocabulary, they will denounce SparkNotes as a “lazy way out” and call it a poor substitute for Shakespeare's original words. If you inform them that SparkNotes actually has both the original and modern translation, they will immediately change their argument into an ad hominem, and say that all of the students who use SparkNotes are the reason America is going down the drain.

Other key signs: If the person happens to be a guy, he will either have a mustache or drastically desire one.  S.N.O.B. SparkNoters will always ace the pop quiz.

“The Model Student SparkNoter”

The model student SparkNoter will join the students heading to the computer lab, and at first you may wrongly categorize him/her as a Casual SparkNoter. There are, however, a multitude of differences. First and foremost, after reading the SparkNotes modern translation, the Model Student SparkNoter will then read Shakespeare’s original version, so as to “first understand the play,” and then “grasp it in its entirety.” Most likely, their quiz grades will also be much higher than that of the Casual SparkNoter.

Other key signs: They will apply to at least one Ivy League School. Their vocabulary is even heftier than that of the “S.N.O.B. SparkNoter.” They will disagree with one of the correct answers on the pop quiz, but since they know what the teacher will consider the right answer, they will choose that and ace the quiz.

“The Social SparkNoter”

The Social SparkNoter is perhaps the easiest to identify—99% of Social SparkNoters are girls. The Social SparkNoter will have no idea why everyone is getting up from their seats and heading out the door, but since all of the cute guys are going, she might as well, too. By the time she arrives at the computer lab, she will understand the group’s purpose, but after going to SparkNotes, she'll be unable to get past the SparkLife blog, and will inevitably spend the remainder of the class giggling with other Social SparkNoters and distracting cute guys nearby.

Other key signs: As mentioned, they are almost all girls. Blond hair is a dominant feature, but is by no means reason enough to assume is a member of this group. They will not ace the pop quiz.

What are the "SparkNoters" like at your school?

Related Post: The 6 Types of Sparklers

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