Auntie SparkNotes: Sexism on (Mock) Trial

Okay Auntie, here's the deal: I'm on my school's mock trial team. It's me (a female) and five guys... They make dirty jokes fairly frequently, as sixteen-year-old boys are wont to do, and sure, I join in sometimes. (Don't judge me! The jokes are funny!) I'm rarely if ever the instigator, however. But our coach always calls me out for being inappropriate, and NEVER the guys. Yeah, I'll concede that sometimes it is inappropriate and I deserved the rebuke, but usually it isn't. For example: all the guys are making sex jokes. One tells another he has no sex appeal. The injured party turns to me and asks, "Am I sexy?" Of course, I answer with, "No, you are not at all sexy." Our coach (who heard all of the preceding conversation) immediately tells me it was inappropriate-- even though it was just an answer to a direct question, and not nearly as out-of-line as what all the guys had been saying before.

I'm not sure why he only snaps at me-- maybe it's sexism (I was warned by friends that he's sexist-- which is somewhat true, but I joined the team anyway.) But honestly, I'm hurt by it. I don't know what to do about it... Any ideas, oh wise advice-giver?

Hey, no judgment here—Auntie looooves a good dirty joke. (Especially that one about the guy at the pickle factory who... er....uh, never mind.)

Some people, however, do not love a good dirty joke.

And while you, I, and all the other people in the world who loved Superbad and laugh at the word “wiener” can't necessarily expect your humorless mock trial coach to share our highly mature and sophisticated sense of fun, logic dictates that his disapproval should at least be evenly applied. So basically, you're right—something's off, here, and the fact that he's repeatedly singling you out for rebuke is problematic. And whether or not it's sexism (and yeah, it probably is), the only way to address it is directly, and that means a conversation with your coach.

So, approach this from a mature, calm standpoint. Meet with your coach privately and say, “There's something I'd like to talk to you about. I know we joke around a lot, and that it can sometimes get out of hand, but I can't help noticing that you've been scolding me for being inappropriate while never saying anything to the rest of the team.”

What happens next depends a lot on your coach. If he's a self-aware, decent guy, he may acknowledge the inequality and apologize. (Hey, you can hope.) He may also acknowledge the inequality but tell you that he expects more from you – in this case, your response should be, “I understand that you have high expectations, but holding me to a different standard than everyone else is unfair, both to me and to the team.”

The other possibility, of course, is that he'll refuse to admit any wrongdoing at all. In this case, you get one more try. You'll need to have a) specific examples of incidents in which you've been blamed for the team's behavior, and b) the support of your teammates. You have to be able to say, “This isn't just about me; we've all noticed that this is happening, and we all feel that it's a problem.” Talk to the other guys about this, and ask them to back you up if need be. They have to have noticed what's going on here (more on that in a sec), and they need to quit letting you get scapegoated.

Unfortunately, there is no guarantee that this will actually work. Your coach is a person, and some people are jerks. If he refuses to discuss what's going on, your options are as follows:

Option 1: Despite my strong belief in battling sexism, I still have to acknowledge that there's an unequal balance of power here. This guy is a teacher; you're a student. So, if the pros of making an issue of this are outweighed by the potential problems it could create for you, you may want to chalk this one up as a learning experience. Trust me, he won't be the last sexist a-hole you encounter.

Option 2: Go with another teammate to address the problem with an Adult in Charge, like your guidance counselor. Doing this means that you're sticking up for yourself, fighting for what's right, and making sure that future female mock trial participants are treated fairly. But it also means that you're stirring things up, so be careful (see Option 1.)

Option 3: Get your teammates to stop throwing you under the freaking bus, already. Seriously, why are they standing by while you singlehandedly take the rap for their sexual tee-heeing? You're a team, and that means that the next time you get blamed for the whole team's behavior, one of these guys should have the balls to speak up right then and there and say, “Hey, we were all making jokes—why is [your name] the only one getting in trouble?”

Personally, I'm pulling for Option 3, but the decision is yours. You are your own master.

Also, WIENER.

Feedback for our letter-writer? Comments! Question for Auntie? Email her at advice@sparknotes.com!