We Don't Care About Your Dumb Internet Access

A school in Arizona now offers Wi-Fi internet access on their school buses. Officials say this move has turned the once-rowdy trip to school into a moving study hall, as students shut up and type away on their laptops and Wi-Fi-enabled gadgets.

We here at SparkNotes love the idea of students accessing our website on the go. With that in mind, we would like to speak directly to those students who are reading this while riding the bus.

Dear Cyber Bus Riders,

Hi. How are you guys? So, you're riding the bus, huh? That's crazy. You're pretty lucky. It must be neat to use the internet on the bus. But whatever. We're not jealous, or anything. Nope. Not jealous at all. By the way, is the connection really slow? Yeah, we bet the connection is really slow.

You're going to run out of battery power. You know that, right? It's not like you have an infinite battery or anything. (You don't have an infinite battery, do you?) But like we said, we're not jealous. Honest. Look up the word "jealous" on Google, and you won't see a picture of us. Though it must be nice to be able to look up the word "jealous" on Google as you ride to and from school. But we're really not jealous. For real!

When we rode the bus, the closest thing we had to internet access was a broken radio glued to a typewriter. We're not jealous. We just felt like sharing that. We think it's great that you can download information whenever you want. We're happy for you. Really, really happy for you.

By the way, you can't chat online with anyone cool right now. All the cool people are on normal busses that don't have Wi-Fi. The only people you can chat with are your dumb bus-mates, and you might as well just talk to them with your voice instead of wasting up your non-infinite battery. Just sayin'. But we're not jealous.

Also, you're probably missing amazing things going on outside right now. Holy crap! Did you see that? A big bird just swooped down and grabbed a dog. You totally missed it. And now the bird is dancing funny. Oh man! This is fantastic! And you missed all of it, because you were busy enjoying Wi-Fi access on your dumb bus. Did we say "dumb"? We meant "hi-tech." That was a typo. We're not jealous.

Did you know Ben Franklin didn't have Wi-Fi access? And he was one of America's founding fathers. That's something to think about, isn't it? You know who else didn't have Wi-Fi access on her bus? Oprah.

But you should go ahead and enjoy your fancy Wi-Fi access. We're not being sarcastic, and if we were, it wouldn't be because we're super duper jealous. We think your bus is really…nice. *sigh*

Did we just type a sigh? Ha. That's weird. Must be something wrong with our keyboard. Maybe our keyboard is really tired. Sorry about that. We're not jealous.

Sincerely,
SparkNotes (and all the kids who don't have Wi-Fi access on their school busses)

P.S. Rumor has it that bus Wi-Fi access will give your computer horrible viruses that will erase all your data and make you fat. Thought you should know.

Are you jealous?

Related post: The School Commute