The Best Facebook Groups
We've seen a lot of Facebook posts here on SparkNotes, and rebel_of_nowhere's definitely stood out. We love how specific and original this post is. Great job, rebel! —SparkNotes editors
Facebook is the greatest procrastination tool since SparkLife. Whether you’re alarmed by the fact that your grandma has a page or can barely tear yourself away from it because it's so juicy (who knew?), it's impossible to tear yourself away.
One of the most amusing things about it is the groups you can join. These range from pointless and annoying ones to those that make you shout, "I DO THAT!" ("I look to make sure the ‘L’ and ‘R’ headphones go in the correct ears,” “I get distracted by shiny things.”) As well as—oh oh! Shiny thing!
Ahem. Sorry about that. The following are some of my favorite Facebook groups, because of their randomness, their poignancy, or the fact that they’re just plain hilarious:
Group Name: I am willing to risk Salmonella to eat raw cookie dough
Even though our moms constantly tells us we’ll get sick from eating raw cookie dough, we do it anyway. It’s just so good—like a little mouthful of virus-infected heaven. The fact that we don’t know of anyone who has actually gotten sick from eating something as innocent as raw cookies prevents us from being alarmed about any risks.
Group Name: I don’t care if the spider "isn’t hurting anyone," I want it dead
Sometimes we just have to embrace the Ron Weasley in us and run the heck away from a spider. It can be sitting there sipping tea for all I care; if I see it, it dies. PETA can call me up and complain about it, but any spider that comes into my house better know he’s not coming out alive.
Group Name: Why does the dentist talk to you if you can’t respond?
Not only is his hand blocking your airways so the only sound you can make is "ummbblikeughshrlp," but your lips feel like Jell-O on muscle relaxants. Like Bill Cosby says, you’re kind of just waiting for your face to slip off and slide all the way to the floor. There’s no way you can form a coherent sentence besides a panicked, “HEY, DOC HOLLYWOOD, MY FACE JUST FELL OFF! CARE TO FIX THAT?”
Group Name: I have always wanted to get in a cab and say “FOLLOW THAT CAR!”
James Bond is the epitome of cool. You have to admit you have a secret desire to imitate him. It would be pretty awesome to yell out "Follow that car!" to a frightened cab driver as you point toward the villain. Okay, so the car you’re following is probably just going to the coffee shop instead of a secret island in the Pacific, but still.
Group Name: Nerd? We prefer the term "intellectual badass"
Where would we be without nerds? In the dark, eating cold spaghetti and writing our term papers with a quill and ink. Gone are the days when we nerds stayed at home watching Star Wars and memorizing Pi; we can flaunt our nerdiness these days and be proud of it. Now that everyone is aware that today’s nerd is tomorrow’s multimillionaire genius, they cut us some slack for not being the most social of creatures and for compulsively correcting grammar.
Group Name: I Wanna Go To P. Sherman 42 Wallaby Way Sydney
Own up. You really want to visit this fictional, animated town, even if the fish talk, turtles are surfer dudes, and Orca is a dialect. No, scratch that; that is why you want to go! Bring some Post-It notes for Dory’s short term memory loss. You might even get to see Elmo. No, I meant Fabio. Hang on, I don’t think I’m getting this right…
Group Name: I never knew sexy was missing…but thank God Justin brought it back!
N’SYNC may be gone, but Justin is still here…and so is sexy. The former boy-bander grew up, and now we aren’t quite so embarrassed to admit that we actually like his singing. He’s past the '90s look and pop moves, and “Bringing Sexy Back” isn’t that terrible of a song.
Group Name: I sprint up the stairs in the dark cause I think I’m getting chased
The fact that we’re almost adults now has no bearing on the fact that we still do this. Yes, we know the only thing that’s living the dark are spiders, but just in case Edward Cullen is stalking us, we run like Jerry runs from Tom with a cookie cutter. And God forbid we accidentally brush our leg against something in the dark; if that happens, it’s "Sayonara, gravity," as we fly up the stairs.
Group Name: I don’t know what to do when people sing happy birthday to me
This is one of those moments in life that's just awkward, kind of like when you and someone else can’t manage to walk past each other, and wind up doing that weird shuffle. What the heck are you supposed to do while everyone sings and stares at you? Often the only option is to sit there and smile like an idiot while your facial muscles cramp up.
Group Name: OMG, this is the most disgusting thing I’ve ever tasted…here, try it!
Why do we always say this after tasting something horrible? I mean, we know they’re going to hate it and unless we’ve plotted some not-so-subtle revenge on that person, we’ve got some serious problems with taste bud abuse.
“You want some of this chocolate broccoli muffin?”
“No, I assure you I don’t.”
“Try it! It’s horrible!”
“OMG! Your tongue just jumped out of your mouth! Go catch it!”
Group Name: I yell at objects when I’m frustrated with them.
I know the vacuum cleaner doesn’t have ears (or a brain) and is in fact completely unaware that it is being a colossal pain in the neck, but I still yell at it like yelling will make it work. Maybe, eventually, it’ll be like classical conditioning: I yell, it turns on. Simple. Or perhaps it needs more motivation—like me threatening to replace it with a Swiffer (which is an empty threat, because I find those mops creepy).
Group Name: My English teacher finds more deep meaning in the book than the author
Did you ever wonder if the author wrote a book because she wanted to? That maybe she didn’t spend countless hours filling its pages with impossible symbolism, allegories, metaphors, and incredibly complicated relationships? Clearly, that has never crossed the mind of English teachers. Sometimes I think they’ve been analyzing books so long that they start finding obscure references and symbols in them that weren't intentional, like when you stare at a cloud so long you can find pictures in it even though it really just looks like a blob.
What are you favorite Facebook groups?
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