How to Reject a Would-Be Valentine with Flair
Getting rejected definitely bites the big one. But it’s not very fun to reject someone, either.
Rejecters gets a bad rep. They're not necessarily heartless; usually, they're good people who just aren’t interested in the person crushing on them. Maybe they already have a boyfriend or girlfriend. Maybe they are really concentrated on their future careers as sidewalk artists. Maybe they’re pretty sure the only person they could ever love is a fictional vampire. Whatever. The point is, it’s hard to reject people, and that’s why we’ve come up with ways to creatively turn down someone who's trying to take you out and make you his valentine. Here they are, in ascending order of harshness:
Meet him/her halfway: You're caught off guard and a little shocked—someone you've never spoken to before just asked you out. The thought of a date with this person you barely know freaks you out. You don’t want to be murdered. You like your life. But what if this guy/girl turns out to be cool? Offer up a compromise. Share your PBJ with him/her at lunch—as long as s/he agrees to buy you a steaming chocolate chip cookie in the caf. Compromise is key in relationships. Maybe, just maybe, if you start off with one, this lunch date will blossom into something beautiful.
I’ll try to pencil you in: Carry around a planner completely stuffed with a hodgepodge of Post-Its, business cards, and color-coded To-Do lists. Fill it with appointments like: band practice, sleepy time, pancake-making seminar, town hall meeting, driver’s ed, writer’s workshop, dinner with grandma and new boyfriend, eyebrow waxing appointment, another meeting with the urologist, photo shoot, UN Peace-Keeping Summit—you know, all the usual stuff. That way, you have evidence that you just don’t have the time. Nod toward your planner and say, "My schedule is a little nuts right now. Sorry!" To fend off an annoyingly aggressive suitor, say, "Maybe sometime in the future, but I’m booked solid until summer. And then I may be going to space camp. We’ll be in touch."
The oldest trick in the book: Apologetically say, "Gosh darn! I’m so sorry, but I kinda-sorta already have a Valentine." Shrug your shoulders and smile sheepishly. If you’re pressed for details about who this lucky human being happens to be, the following may be acceptable answers: this guy I go to camp with, this girl from New Hampshire, someone in my church group. Other possible responses: Dan Bergstein, your mom, Sadie Hawkins, your dad, the school, a werewolf with jetpacks, the principal (who happens to have the same mysterious facial hair as you), Edward Cullen, the Dali Lama.
Spontaneously grow a mustache: Works especially well for females who don’t normally sport a five o’clock shadow. Could backfire if your potential suitor happens to be a big fan of werewolves.
Decorate his/her car: It’s totally common and unoriginal to decorate the object of your affection’s car with an important question, such as, "Will you go to homecoming with me?" or "Wanna get tacos after school?" But no one ever decorates the asker's car saying “NO!” Use streamers, confetti, shaving cream, Saran Wrap, and bologna and other sandwich materials to decorate your stalker's car with a resounding no.
Consider giving it a go: First of all, dates generally involve free food. Second, you really have nothing to lose. And don’t you enjoy talking about yourself? You get to do that on dates, you know. Plus, if you plan on being a writer, bad dates make for plenty of solid storytelling material. If you don’t end up falling in love with your stalker this Valentine’s Day, think of it this way: you can always tell the horrifying story on SparkLife.
How do you reject people?
Related post: The Perfect Message for Every Type of Valentine
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