Spice Up the Morning Announcements

No one listens to the morning announcements, not even the people reading them into the microphone or camera (if you go to fancy-pants school that has fancy-pants things like fancy-pants cameras). We here at SparkNotes hate to see bored students, so we offer some suggestions that will greatly improve these dull mini-speeches.

1. Add a sense of mystery to the sports announcements. Instead of saying, "The girls' volleyball team will be leaving today at 2:15 for a game against Central High School," make it more exciting by saying, "The girls volleyball team will be leaving today for...reasons…important reasons. Let's just say, we wish the girls the best of luck." For more impact, say the previous sentence with a British accent, while petting a cat or feeding an exotic fish.

2. Remember that the more you talk about the fundraiser, the more desperate you sound. Stop reminding everyone about the book sale. We all know about the book sale. Use this time to tell us something we don't know. For instance, the average lifespan of a jaguar is 22 years. Or remind us that jaguars use their canine teeth to pierce the brains of their prey. Anything related to jaguars would be interesting. Other interesting topics: secret societies, crazy authors, theories about this week's episode of LOST, and odd things people eat in other countries.

3. Give away prizes. This is a trick we learned from watching daytime talk shows. These shows always give crap away to the audience because if they didn't, the audience wouldn't watch the boring show. The prizes do not need to be as lavish as a new car. We understand you're on a budget. Give away something less extravagant, such as a scooter or $500 Sport's Authority gift card.

4. Rap it. Everyone loves rapping. And anything can be a rap if you preface it with, "Listen up, y'all. I'm about to take it back to the street!" (For some reason, rappers love taking things back to various streets. They never take it back to roads or boulevards.)

And finally, any announcement about the yearbook should end with, "Or else!"

What are your morning announcements like?

Related post: Bring the "Fun" Back to Fundraising