Five Most Memorable Auditorium Moments

The school auditorium is not simply a place to watch musicals and sleep. It is a place of magic. A place of high ceilings, and unusual folding chairs. A place where a whisper can sound like a scream due to the odd acoustics. A place where everything smells like stale air and old fabric. A place where memories are made. Memories such as:

5. The Fire Safety Assembly
It was the same presentation every year: the fire truck sat outside as the fire chief told us what to do if our house, school, or bodies burst into flames. But the real treat came when one boy and one girl were chosen from the crowd and invited onstage, where they were dressed up in firefighter garb, including the gas mask! Every year I raised my hand so hard that I still have elbow pain to this day. And every year I was overlooked. Now you know why I cry.
What I was expected to learn: Stop. Drop. And roll. Also, don't bother saving your goldfish in a fire.
What I actually learned: Firefighters hate me because I'm stupid and not good enough.

4. The Birds of Prey Expert
Two things made this assembly memorable. First, the expert talked in a halting manner, as if to give his presentation more dramatic impact. His sentence would begin normally, but by the end, it sounded as if he was adding unnecessary periods to his words. For example: "The peregrine falcon has a wing span. Of about. Two feet. Peregrine falcons live in mountainous regions and are the fastest. Swooping. Animals. Alive." It was funny, and then annoying, and then funny again. The second memorable thing: all the birds pooped on stage. All of them. (Not all at the same time, however. If that happened, the high school would have crumbled to the ground with our laughter.)
What I was expected to learn: Birds of prey are endangered and they also swoop.
What I actually learned: Bird experts loooove their jobs a bit too much and birds defecate when you clap.

3. The Dent in the Wall
Along the wall of the auditorium, there was a dent about the size of a baseball bat. During every school assembly, I would stare at this dent and wonder: Did someone bash the wall with a bat? Was it the result of a robot fight? Who was foolish enough to fight a robot with a bat? Did I put the dent there with my mind powers? Why is no one else looking at the dent? Am I the only person who can see the dent? Is the dent really a ghost? Can I see ghosts? I hope the firefighter picks me this year.
What I was expected to learn: Probably something about drug and alcohol awareness or senior photos. I really wasn't paying attention during the assembly.
What I actually learned: Walls are fascinating.

2. The Bee Master
The Bee Master came to our school to teach us about bees and honey production. It was rather boring, at first, but things quickly improved when he brought up killer bees. Back in the 90s, it was widely believed that killer bees would invade America and kill us all one evil summer—and the Bee Master perpetuated this lie. Who were we to argue with him?
What I was expected to learn: Bees work together to make honey. And you can make dumb candles with their dumb wax.
What I actually learned: I was going to die before I turned 13.

1. The Whip Guy
Once a year, the Whip Guy would visit. (So far, this sounds like a horror movie, doesn't it?) This whip master would demonstrate his various whips, using them to snap sticks in half, extinguish candles, break the sound barrier, and scare the crap out of anyone who didn't enjoy loud noises. He told the students that a whip was powerful enough to break bone, and the students gawked at him with fear and respect. And then, he would invite one lucky (or unlucky) student onstage. The student stood a few feet away from the whip guy, who would use his powers to wrap the whip around the student in one cracking motion…after telling the student, "don't move." It was marvelous. (But once again, I was never chosen to go on stage.)
What I was expected to learn: I have no freaking clue. Maybe the Whip Guy also told us about history or something. I can't really remember.
What I actually learned: Whips are amazing.

What are your most memorable auditorium moments?

Related post: The Four Types of High School Assemblies

Attention Sparklers!: Commenting capabilities will be down for maintenance on Tuesday, Feb. 9 during the morning and part of the afternoon. You should be able to comment again by late afternoon. If you have any trouble, e-mail us at contribute@sparknotes.com.