Coping with February Breakups

Sparkler africanstardust has a few evil clever suggestions for dealing with breakups. We're gonna try these on our Sanctimonious Oaf! —SparkNotes editors

Most of us have been there (and the least lucky of us have been there on or around Valentine's Day): you're sure things are going well in your relationship, but then your SO (Significant Other, now known as Sanctimonious Oaf) drops the ball, and you’re just standing there on the playground, SO-less. And then it rains. And someone throws rotten fruit at you. Bottom line, it sucks. So what to do when your heart is in pieces and you’ve already broken all the mirrors in your house?

*Run up to your SO, kick her in the shins, run away laughing maniacally.

* Mail him hundreds of bananas, each with a threatening message written on it in Sharpie (suggestions: “The velvet mask is coming for you”; “Beware the green, three-headed, monstrous, venomous, saber-tooth, dinosaur-eating schnicklefritz that lives under your bed, bwahahaha").

* Sneak into his house (he probably hasn’t told his parents about the breakup yet, and besides, his mom loves you more than him) and hang a bloody shower curtain in his bathroom.

* Pay someone who looks like Cary Grant or Audrey Hepburn to “go out” with you for a while.

* Drown your pain in homework and get accepted to a super awesome college of awesomeness, and then feel awesomely happy because you have now proven to the world that it’s her loss.

* Write a novel, put him in it, and get revenge with that sharp sword we call “the pen.”

* Erase all the school holidays from her calendar and revel in the fact that on Thanksgiving day, she got up at 5:30 while you slept in and had ice cream for breakfast.

* Recruit your pals and spend the night sticking forks and knives all over your ex's yard. Add a severed Barbie head or two if you’re feeling bold.

* Whenever you see him, stare at him for a few moments, then burst out laughing, pointing at him all the while. You will then have the satisfaction of watching him paw his face to see if a green alien spot suddenly appeared.

* Print out tons of pictures of her, then rip them slowly while grinning evilly.

* Get a cheap, pay-as-you-go phone so he won’t recognize the number. Call him at all hours of the night, yell “I gots an umbrella!!” in a disguised voice, and hang up.

* Get the ultimate revenge by falling head over heels in love with someone who isn’t a loser, and totally forget about your Sanctimonious Oaf, thereby erasing her existence (if the idealists are right, that is). What could be better than that?

How do you cope with breakups?

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