Auntie SparkNotes: Flirting with Tourette's

Hi Auntie Sparknotes,
I really liked your flirting guide because it gave me some advice as to how I could approach a new girl in my biology class. She seems really nice and I didn't know how to talk to her until I read your guide. However, I read the guide, and I practiced The Look and how I should talk to her, but things didn't go so well. I have Tourette syndrome and I have motor tics like blinking my eyes and licking my lips often, and I clear my throat a lot, which makes it embarrassing sometimes when I'm talking to people. When I tried The Look in class, I suddenly got very nervous and I started clearing my throat and licking my lips a lot. She noticed me, but so did everyone else. It was very humiliating, and she had a sort of disgusted look on her face. When I tried to talk to her to set everything straight, I walked into the hallway and she was right there. I felt very nauseous and I ran to the bathroom and vomited all over the place. The next time I tried to talk to her I found her with her group of friends and I tried to find the best way to approach her when suddenly I shouted a very bad word that I don't usually say (I have never had coprolalia) and I didn't know what to do. I ran away again and everyone was laughing at me.

I don't know how I can ever have a girlfriend or even a friend that doesn't have Tourette's because they don't know how hard it is to do the things that normal people do. I am also known for being very hard on myself and I don't know how to control myself from beating myself up for something like this. Also, it's very hard for me to tell my mom (although she cares for me) because I don't think she knows how to deal with this situation either. Plus, she's already gone through a lot and this seems like such a small thing compared to her problems. Do you have any tips at all on how I can cope with my disadvantage and try to fix everything? I don't know how I will be able to go through the next 3 years of high school like this.

Oh no.

This is my fault, Sparklers, because in writing the flirting guide, I forgot to mention the following: If you have a medical condition that includes uncontrollable physical symptoms and is exacerbated by stress, some of these tips are not for you. And letter-writer, I am really, really sorry that happened to you. It sounds like a nightmare.

That said, having Tourette's doesn't mean that you can't flirt, or that you'll never have a girlfriend. (See here for a long, long list of successful and sexy individuals who happen to have the disorder.) And it doesn't mean that your entire high school experience will be an unrelenting Adventure in Suck, either. But because your tics will get worse when you're stressed out, you shouldn't try to force yourself into a situation that would give anyone the heebie-jeebies—and talking to a crush, even for people who don't have your condition, is freaking terrifying. So for you, coping means embracing relationships, situations, and individuals that allow you to relax and be yourself. And since you asked for tips, here are a few:

Spread a little awareness. You don't have to be a spokesperson for your condition—and ideally, your school should have already done something to make your classmates aware of what Tourette's is, and to explain that your tics aren't something you have control over—but you should brave the waters once to explain what's going on. It'll be harrowing, but worth it in the end to sit in a room full of people who understand the condition and sympathize with you. If you need help with this, talk to your mom.

Take the pressure off. To grease the wheels when it comes to making friends, try getting involved in a club or volunteer activity where you'll naturally get to know other kids. There are two benefits, here: Not only is it a lot easier and less stressful to talk to someone when you're working side by side as part of the same group, but your tics will probably get milder when you're focused on another task or activity. And if you're crushing, this will give you a chance to get to know girls and flirt without the stress of acting all coy. Presumably, anyone you're talking to will already know about your condition and be understanding if you're not perfectly suave.

And about that girl... If you're still worried about the situation with the girl in your bio class, you can do one of two things: either find a way to talk to her in private, or (to eliminate the possibility of further embarrassment) write her a note/email/Facebook message that explains what happened. You don't need to be ashamed or hyper-apologetic— just say something like, “Sorry if I freaked you out the other day. I have Tourette's and my tics can get worse when I'm stressed out. I was actually just trying to say 'hi'.”

Finally, there is one thing you can take away from the flirting guide: Confidence pants. GET SOME. Having Tourette's is a challenge, but it's nothing to be ashamed of. Because this is high school, and because kids can be really freaking cruel sometimes, I can't promise that this girl—or anyone else—is going to treat you the way they ought to. But I can promise that you will make awesome friends, and you will date awesome girls, and you will, in not too much longer, develop the awesome ability to realize that anyone who makes fun of you for having Tourette's is a total douchebag.

Do you have words of wisdom, shouts of support, or personal anecdotes involving vomiting on your crush? Leave 'em in the comments! Want to learn more about Tourette's? Click here and here. And to get advice from Auntie, email her at advice@sparknotes.com.