Times I’ve Wanted to Kick My Sibling’s A#%

We love ‘em, we hate ‘em, we want to hit them repeatedly in their oversize heads with pillows made of sheet rock. Who are they? Who else: our ever-lovin’, unbearably intolerable siblings. Below are some REAL LIFE stories from the REAL LIFE relationship between this writer and her twin sister (pictured here). Got any tales of terror that can top these bad boys? Doubtful.

Here are the top 6 times I've wanted to kick my twin's a#%:

1. The time (in the middle of Thanksgiving dinner with 15 relatives) she said she had paid John Lopez, the dreamiest guy in school, the Golden Boy of the decade, the Johnny Depp of 8th grade, two dollars to dance with me at the latest school-sanctioned shin-dig, and that he had refused to do so—until the offer was upped to 5, and a promised dance with her.

2. The time she told me to suck in my stomach and stand up straight during the college tour at Stanford. Upon observing that I had increased my slouch to spite her, she punched me so hard that I fell to my knees and nearly puked on a prospective student’s Dockers. Needless to say, neither I nor my sister was accepted to that fine institution the following year. (I should also mention that she is a black-belt in karate. Her hands are basically considered by the LAW to be deadly weapons. That punch could have brought Jackie CHAN to the ground.)

3. The time when she seduced John Leer, a boy we met at our church youth group, despite the fact that A: I had recently confessed to her that I loved him, his Johnny Bravo-esque hair, and his sorbet yellow sweater vests and B: for months, she had been mockingly calling him “Pie Face” and firmly stating that he lacked any semblance of charm, intelligence, or otherwise attractive qualities. A butt would have been kicked, I promise you that, had the archbishop not been four feet away when John introduced my sister to his mother as “the girl I’ve been telling you about!”

4. The time, 3 minutes before Junior Prom with THE Austin Pace, when she told me I looked like Heidi the orphaned mountain girl and asked me whether I was planning on putting on makeup. Whether or not I had looked like Heidi before the incident, I certainly looked much worse afterward, when I had torn out my intricate up-do and collapsed into sobs in the back seat of the family Suburban, my father telling me I looked beautiful and my sister asking if I could stop being such an ass-clown and just get out of the car.

5. The time when I spent 87 dollars of my blood-soaked TJ Maxx paycheck on her birthday present, gold shoes she had been pining after for months, and she returned them two days later for CASH. To emphasize my point: that birthday, she gave me an Elle magazine and a lip gloss, both of which I suspect she stole from our little sister’s dresser.

6. The countless times when she took the car home during 7th period in high school and left me to find my own ride, occasionally taping a piece of notebook paper to our now-empty parking spot that read “can you bring home my math book?” or “mom said don’t call for ride she is at dentist.”

What's the worst thing your sib has ever done?

Related Post: Revenge is MINE!