The Friday Awards

Dear ConfuzzledMuggle,

Us editors would like to respond to your question, "okay, sparknotes editors, if you could have a talking animal, what would it be?"

We have chosen a baby sea otter. What would it say? This:

I'm only a baby sea otter, but I know a lot.
Like why some Sparklers get Friday Awards and some do not.
You see, Emily was quite overwhelmed with awarding you all,
So she thought of the other editors and gave them a call.
Now between the three of them, they tackle the comment sections.
And they don't plan on who's in, and who gets rejections.
They don't respond to Fribabies, but they do go nuts for cookies.
I KNOW CUZ THEY ATE MINE AND PRETENDED THEY DIDN'T BUT I SAW THEM DO IT!

noms,

SpaceCraft, the Baby Sea Otter.

p.s. jane_air: That green blob on the Sparkler post graphic is just something Emily drew in Photoshop. Do you like it? I think it's kind of Georgia O'Keefe, if you know what I mean. O_o

Ehem.

Before we get started with this week's awards, we have one more announcement: On Tuesday, Feb. 9, commenting capabilities will be down until at least noon EST. We're not going to post new SparkLife articles until commenting is back up, because we're not teases like that. If you are having trouble commenting Tuesday night or later, email us at contribute@sparknotes.com.

Now, awards!:

Creative Points go to WordsAreFlowing for this comment on the Sadie Hawkins post...

Ok, so my junior year, my school had its first Sadies. My friends and I were
really excited, so we created this elaborate plan to ask out our guy
friends. So we made a scavenger hunt around campus, and even got some
teachers to join in on it. We made them navigate the campus with a compass,
solve a calculus equation, and pop random balloons. They finally made it to
the finish where we were there holding a cake that read "Will you go with us
to the dance?" Needless to say we all went together. That was probably the
best use of a free period ever.

The dance itself ended up being pretty lame. It was western themed, and
there was this lady who was brought in to teach us how to line dance. But we
did manage to build a pyramid of soda cans on our table.

The You Make Us Editors Feel Mushier Than Mashed Potatoes Covered in Peanut Butter and Strawberry Sauce Awards go to

...stephi10490 for these comments...

• On the Miss Marm Hunger Games post:

Okay I have to just take a second and thank Sparklife and Miss Marm for existing. The people I'm surrounded by don't like to read and take pride in acting like Paris Hilton on The Simple Life. It's so hard to find people to talk to about good books I have read, or anything deeper than "What shade of blonde do you think I should go with?" When I came here people were talking about how they had crushes on Mr. Darcy and how they just got finished with a Shakespeare tragedy and loved it. It's refreshing to see young people, like myself, talking about things other then MTV. I know everyone else here agrees. Thank you so much.

• On the Someone Hates Chelsea post:

In fact, ALL of the Sparklife writers are Wheaties box material! They're like demi-gods; they're just better than the rest of their peers. Its like Santa and Dumbledore and Poseidon and Steven Speilburg and the Tooth Fairy and Bono all got together and said, "If we could collectively make a hybrid race of people, what would they be like?...what would they do?" Their curiosity got the best of them and they all put in wishes and rainbows and smiles and baby giggles into a cauldron and let it sit for a while. Then fairy dust emerged along with all of the Sparklife writers. They were raised by foster familied posing as their real families. Then one day they all found each other, came together, and started a web community for all those with traces of the fairy dust in their veins. And that is how Sparklife was started...

...random_S_dancer for this comment on the Sadie Hawkins post...

speaking of love...i do not have a noun (person, place or thing) i love
dearly enough to give a valentine on Mushy-gushy-red-hearts-and-making-out
Day. except, that is, for Sparknotes.

sparknotes.
sparknotes is like
a vending machine of advice and laughter
(although for many commentors
it’s more like a venting machine)
where googly-eyed lovers
croon awkwardly
and face-touching haters
can make wishes for  pacts packs
of furry hot-blooded wolves
and compare faux vampire’s
faces to feet

where aunties run wild
with letters about college and crushes
and nobody’s afraid to be nerdy
where randomness abounds and *SALAD!*
fun people tell you about school
as they all come together
from as far as new jersey
and as close as Tanzania
to chatter and comment and scream

all of the awesomeness
(plus the SparkNotes of course)
makes me proud as can be
to be a nerdy, dorky, reading, writing, college-applying
sparklifer
for the whole world to see!!!!!!!!
ENVY US!

*awkward silence. a single clap dies away.*

*ahem*

...to embracethetheese for this comment on the metaphors post...

Sparknotes is the Taylor Swift of websites. Everyone loves you.

Sparknotes is 5th period. It's fun and people seem cool.

Sparknotes is a big fat A+ on an imaginary report card, since the editors
are so brilliant.

Dan Bergstein is the milk to my Oreos. Wait, does Dan wanna be the Oreos???
He can if he wants. I don't mind. *sighs over Dan's awesomeness*

...DeathByBlackhole for this comment on bad touch...

ok so I know this is really off-topic...but can I just say that Auntie Sparknotes is the best. I had such a crappy day and then I read this article and instantly smiled. Always reliable for a good laugh and great advice.

haha just wanted to say thanks for being so awesome!

The <3 Award goes to xlindsaywasherex for this comment on the Sadie Hawkins post. (We're so happy for you!)

we just had our sadie's dance, and i asked my best friend. who i like. and who likes me. it was so much fun, and he kissd me during the last song  so more than best friends now... thanks for all the advice sparknotes!

The ZOMG Zen Award goes to swimchik88 for this comment on the horoscopes...

WHOA... i'm a cancer and the part that goes "Piccolo music will be very, very important this month" is actually very true since i have a flute duet with the piccolo player in one of our band songs!

The Good Taste in (Cartoon) Men Award goes to africanstardust for this comment on the Hamlet Video SparkNote post...

PS does anyone else think that Hamlet in the new video is kind of attractive very a lot?

Nickname of the Week goes to fuzzyhugger

Happy Belated Birthday MaggieGirl2013

The Biggest Family Award goes to ktstreet for this comment on the siblings post...

I have ten brothers and sisters... well nine and one on the way...
elena, michael, catherine, margaret, anthony, rebecca, matthew, elizabeth and pierre... and sarah on the way....

rebecca though... she's the one that i ALWAYS fight with...
she's 15 months younger than me... but for some reason she looks like she's 18 or 19... when really she's 15.. i'm 16 and people think i'm like 14... :/
i mean... i get beat up from her....
one of the worst things though... was probably when we were at walmart and these guys tried to pick us up (i don't know why you would try to pick someone up in walmart) but yeah... for some reason, these like college guys come over and ask my sister "do you want to go out after your done shopping?... you can bring your little sister..." i was so mad... it's always like that though... it's pathetic :/

LOL Points to...

...ComeAndGetMeLoki for this comment on the cartoon sex ed post...

@LizzieB95 I THOUGHT YOU SAID YOU HADN'T HAD SEX SINCE 5TH GRADE! And then I really read what your post said. lol, crisis averted!

...Con_Foozed for this comment on the same post...

The vagina is acidic....this is a fact and i was told this countless times in 6'th grade. No one ever thought to tell me there was a difference between that acid.....and sulfuric acid....i didn't talk to girls for a week.
......i was so con_foozed.....(-.-).....

...crashbrown for this comment on the ways not to impress boys post...

As I was walking by my friend in Physics class, I patted her on the head. She was wearing a bumpit. It not only poked me, causing me to "eek!" but it also became very, um, lopsided. Oops. We're still friends. I think.

...verbomaniac012 for this comment on the history post...

I had to do an informative speech about youth in the 1920s in my Honors English class, and I found out that a common insult was to tell someone to "Go cook a radish."  I wish my generation was this cool.

...penguins_quack for this comment on the cliches post...

The beauty and the beast is one of my favourite movies! I'm Disney obsessed. I sing belle as I walk down the street. It just seems appropriate to scream out "there must be more than this provincial life" in my town.

...bpotatoe for this comment on the children's TV shows post...

Sooooo... in orchestra, we're playing Don Quixote, and our orchestra teacher (a hilarious guy) asked if anyone had read it (you know, that million page book). This kid who thinks he's all high-and-mighty cause he's smart (like the rest of us, but he has no life), had, and explained some of the plot, but stated that he forgot most of it. Our teacher asked if anyone else had anything to add. I blurted out that I had seen the Wishbone Don Quixote episode, and proceeded to tell the entire story...

Then, a few days later, our teacher was wondering why the ending sounded like it did, and wanted to ask what happened, and he came to me instead of the kid that had read the book.

Epic Win

...DramaQueen1325 for this comment about the Super Bowl...

I'm from one of the cities with a competing team. It's annoying.

...wannacracker for this comment on the Sadie Hawkins post...

I'm home schooled... =( but it's okay, I dance in my bedroom in my underwear!  Beat that main-stream school districts! HAHAHA!

...hanja21 for this comment on the same post...

Our Sadie Hawkins dance is nothing like this! It's a dance where everyone dresses up like the hicks we really are and have fake weddings. And we
always dress up a male teacher as Sadie.

...Grenouille23 for this comment on the Sadie post...

This dance is called Kings at my school. I went with my boyfriend last year, I asked him my hiding a cd in the glove compartment with the song Sadie Hawkins Dance on it by Relient K. I actually did not have a fun time at all. There was like, a huge blizzard that day and I had to drive to the dance, so I was going like 40 mph on the highway because the roads were so icy and my windows were fogged up so I was afraid I was gonna crash and die *takes and deep breath* so I had to wear these hideous boots instead of heels that made me look trampy so my feet wouldn't freeze in the snow and then when we got to the dance it was all kinda slushy and grimy and even the air looked slightly dirty, and it was awkward cause it wasn't a school dance, so kids from other schools were there. And then some girl passed out. And then I found five dollars.

...Every single Sparkler who commented on this post. ALOLs abounded.

...gypsy_princess for this comment on things girls don't like to hear...

boys, never ever EVER ask about bra sizes. don't do it. or your mother won't love you anymore(sarcasm)

...A7XSYNdrome for this comment on the same post...

One thing I really do not ever want to hear about... Megan Fox and how hot she is. Ugh, she has TOE THUMBS!!!!

...stephi10490 for this comment on the same post...

OH MY GOODNESS...EMILY TOOK FIRST PLACE!!! What just happened? I don't understand. It's like seeing a teacher buying liquor. Then you think to yourself, "Should Mr. Sweatyface even be allowed to drink?" Then you realize that they are people too. Not that Emily is sweaty, just that I have the same sense of unease and awe. It didn't even occur to me that an editor could take top spot in the comment-showdown. We just got HANDLED by Emily, the new comment master!

...rootoyoutoo for this comment on the rooms in your school post...

Whoever installed the mirrors in my school bathrooms was either really stupid or a pervert. The mirrors extend two inches into the stall on the end, rendering the stall unusable unless you want to be refelcted to the entire bathroom full of people while you're peeing...

...faith_in_absence for this comment on the same post...

My school looks like the state pen. No joke. It's called John F. Kennedy High School, but for us JFK stands for "jail for kids". I'm pretty sure that phrase has been around since the 60s. Sad thing is... this is a private school and the hallways are brown (floors, paint, lockers etc) and the windows are bricked over. I am not kidding here. Love the school... loathe the campus.

...lman888 for this comment on the Bella breakup post...

...You forgot, "Don't try to jump off a cliff to see hallucinations of your ex-boyfriend'.

...jambajuli33 for this comment on the nicknames post...

My nickname at school is JEW because of my initials. No kidding, they really are. So when i'm out in public and someone from school yells to me, "Hey JEW!", people just look confused. and the best part is, i'm not even jewish! i'm actually mormon, so i'm also sometimes called the "Mormon JEW". it's awesome!

...killing_paradise for this comment on the same post...

teacher appointed can be horrible there was this girl in my class who broke her tail bone so he called her princess broken butt. sad but a bit comical

...NerdfighterDave for this comment on nicknames...

Due to a long backstory I'm not even going into, my siblings call me Dave. My real name is Sarah, by the way. I don't think this falls into any of those categories.

...Katie_Sauce for this comment on what to do while waiting for the call...

I hate being in this situation. Your stomach hurts so bad, with acid lapping its way up your esophagus. Your brain buzzes at a hundred miles per hour, and your palms sweat so much that your t-shirt gets all damp and wrinkly. Gross. Then they call and your voice goes all high and squeaky. It's just all so painful.

Which is why I have avoided having a crush all my life. Until that one time when I couldn't help it... but I'm all better now. ^_^

...SaucySmartie for this comment on bad touching...

whaddyaknow! There's a guy and a girl in my chem class that happen to share a desk chair ("that tiny thing?! that's possible?!" Yes, as any contortionist can tell you). As a third-person observer I seem to have misinterpreted their lap-cuddling, however, because I learned today that they are actually out for each other's blood after a certain lab incident...

...Grenouille23 for this comment on the same post...

Those bubble wrap people are adorable. I'm going to call my sister thundernuggets and pretend I made it up so she thinks I'm creative and hilarious.

...rachelrabbitt for this comment on the bad touch...

Your mom has thundernuggets.

...Cherry107 for this comment on the February horoscopes...

Also I just had to look up what a cantaloupe is. Seriously. So Sparknotes obviously DOES help educate us

...Nillabee for this metaphor...

my diaphragm spasmed, a sizzling piece of bacon, sending me into convulsions on the hot pan that is my carpet.

...nap_attack for this comment on the same post...

a while back I found this list of "Bad Metaphors Students Use In Their Papers".  It had stuff like, "He was as tall as a six-foot-tall tree," and
"The boat glided across the glassy lake exactly like a bowling ball  wouldn't."

...IcePal for this comment on the metaphors post...

Sparklife is like ... OH MY LORD, WHY AM I STILL ON HERE AT 1:30 AM?!

...Julio_z_Coolio for this comment on the metaphors post...

Sparknotes is the peanut butter to my jelly, they remote to my tv, the mac to my cheese, the chili to my mac, the socks to my chilly feet, the excedrin to my migraine, the power to my power cord, the sun to my shine, the eyes of my face, the red to my roses, the thread to my sewing project, the music to my ears...need i say more?  yes? Well, it is the blue to my jeans, the pencil to my caddy, the numbers to my math, the eraser to my mistakes...

The Foreign Language Awards go to...

....Sasha571 for...

Can I just say my old German teacher was three of the above. She refused english and when I did use english she would make me say the german version about twenty times. She was born in Germany, so yeah she could speak it. I really liked her, but her breath was called "I eat ciggarettes and coffee for breakfast, you weakling!" She scared my mother...

...nox_light47 for...

Oooooh :O  My spanish teacher is a CREEPER with a Capital C!  And capital reeper too!! If I could pick one word to describe him, it would be:
GREASY *shudders violently*

...Sepia93 for...

I have the Native Squeaker on steroids AND overdosing on happy pills. When she yells at someone, she's still smiling.

...soul_less for...

Totally off-topic i know but once i tried to sing the nursery rhyme 'Once i caught a fish alive' in Urdu. It didnt go well and i ended up having to
resort to Arabic or Spanish for words i didn't know

...Love2Run621 for...

I had a French teacher who was the complete mystery.  We knew more French than she did, although it did mean she gave us all A's. Actually, she's probably the worst teacher I've ever had... I had her 1st period and some morning she would come in completely hung over and wearing the same clothes as the day before.  Her excuse for that was that she had spent the night at her "moms" house.

...shenanigan_QUEEN for...

8th grade: possibly the best french teacher I have ever had. Bore an odd resemblance to an attractive rat. She had all these wonky accents that she
used to pull out during class to make us pay attention, and once, after she got fed up of us giggling at the word 'sex' (and by that I mean GENDER), she picked up a pencil and an apple, started banging them together, and jumped/danced around the room singing 'SEX, SEX, SEX!' at the top of her lungs.

...SongByrd94 for...

My spanish teacher during 8th and 9th grade was AWSOME! (unfortunately my teacher this year is not so great)  he would teach us these spanish
commercials (one was for Capri Sol and the other was for TRIX ) and after we had memorized the commercial we would have a party and eat whatever the commercial was advertising.  It's really funny though because EVERYBODY who has ever has him still remember these commercials (i still do! )

...Amarantha93 for...

my spanish (1&2) teacher last  year was a mystery...she wrote down her dreams and made songs from them...she almost never spoke in english...and she had stuffed animals and a doll house in her room...

...purplecupcake4 for...

last year (8th grade) my spanish teacher was considered to be insane by everyone; there was even this facebook group (actually i guess there still
is?) called "I'm proud to be Mrs. _____'s most hated student" lol. oh and one time this girl in my class was wearing a low-cut shirt, i guess,
and she was like, "i can see eeeveryting!!" to her.... and this year, my spanish teacher is/was awesome and crazy too.. but he is becoming a counselor to replace this one who DIED like last week! and so now we will have the french teacher for like the rest of the year. (i
don't think she speaks spanish?)

...count_olaf for...

Ok, so my Spanish II teacher? Totally awesome. We guessed he was in his 50s, but no one was really sure. He told many tales of his life experiences. He lived in England and got to see the Beatles and Rolling Stones before they were huge. He went to Woodstock. He owned a leather shop in California. He moved to Mexico to learn Spanish. He also taught German I and II. He played his guitar on Fridays. He compared our principal's intelligence to that of an earthworm. He got fired.

...ecobarbie for...

Ooh! Numero quatre-vingt-six! Here's another categories of foreign language teachers:

The Wanna-Be French/German/Spanish
This teacher was born and raised in the good ol' U.S. of A. and learned their trade language in a public high school, just like most of us here do.
However, this person goes out of their way attempting to embrace the culture of the language they teach.  Examples include Spanish teacher changing his last name from "Rivers" to "Rivera" or a French teacher who eats at least five times a day.

...neomaxizoomdwbi for...

My Spanish teacher doesn't fall into any of these categories. So I will make one up.  Just for her.  It's the "I Care Too Much About What You Guys Think of Me, Than Actually Teaching You" category.  She spends most of class time making up stories about herself and all of the "amazing" things she's done than teaching us. Nobody else seems to mind, but when you've heard the story about the time she had a wrench taken away from her at the airport for the fifth time, it's completely understandable to want to get back to learning how to conjugate verbs in Spanish.  I wonder if we'll hear the story about when she laughed while her brother was reciting his wedding vows tomorrow.  Or Maybe about how she's a wanted convict in Greece.    : /

...imadoodlenoodle for...

I'll be fine when I go to France. I know how to say: "No I do not want to buy a gold Bible," "Your mother," "I swear officer, that is not my suitcase," "I have never seen that man before in my life," and "I will have prostitute number three please."

Oh and "where is the bathroom?"

All set.

...whatever512 for...

My spanish teacher last year is married to a guy from Spain. She, however, is from Iowa (she graduated from my high school) but she thinks she is
Spanish. Like when she was teaching us the past participle of freir, which is frito, she said, "Frito... that's a kind of chip here, right?" Um, yes.

...purpleabsofsteel for...

Ugh I HATE my spanish teacher (Which is saying something, because I don't use the word hate) She has never taught us. Everytime she stands at the board everyone gets excited because we think she might teach us, but then she writes down our homework. We are not allowed to ask questions because she thinks the answer to everything is in our book. Also, no English allowed. And, if we disagree with her on a conjugation she googles it (and we are always right). We also have these trays that are lowered from the ceiling with headphones and mics in them so we can record us speaking, and today she lowered one right on top of me in my desk and didn't move it. I ended up having to role onto the ground to get away. And she didn't even apologize! I'm sorry, but she just really gets on my nerves.

...kylxy for...

My spanish teacher is soooo mean. Especially to this one girl in our class. She literally changes the rules just so this girl gets in trouble. It's
insane! I feel really bad for her... She doesn't like me to much either, probably cause (CONFESSION TIME) I don't try. I hate learning new languages. It just isn't my strong point. It's the only class I have a B in and my best friend is fluent in Spanish. Now that I think about it, I should just ask him for help.. YAY!! for some reason my ridiculous ranting has helped me solve my problem! thanks again sparknotes!!

...ladyrachiem for...

how about a super lazy-has no idea what they're doing- teacher? because in spanish class right now, we're watching the incredibles. in english. it's
pretty fun.

The Princess Who Kicks A%$ Award goes to brilliantAZN for this comment on fairy tales...

Being a princess sounds alight.. but this makes it sound like women are incapable of defending themselves. WELL GUESS WHAT. I just "saved" my boyfriend from a spider the other day. ohh, my knight in shining armour~ =o=

The We Hope You Get Unconfuzzled (or just Uncuddled) Award goes to oftheforest fort this comment on the bad touch...

I was so excited when I saw the title of this post, because I kind of have a similar problem. But Auntie's response didn't help much. My boyfriend and I just broke up and we're trying to be friends...It's just all so confusing. Because being good friends and being in a relationship are so similar (with the obvious physical exception)! Sometimes I feel like we're still dating, because we still spend afternoon watching movies and cuddling on his couch. How confusing!

Good Advice on Bullies Award goes to thevirtuoso for...

Best way to get red of annoying bullies is by being quiet and immediately removing all of your behavioral flaws and don't attack back. Soon the person will look like a complete idiot and more people will sympathize with you than him. Also you should get better than him at whatever he does except being a bully, the world will shun him.

**editors all exhale** Congrats, Friamps!