How to Survive Group Projects

Sometimes group projects rock, like when you skate through them, doing barely any work, and still manage to get an A because you were put in a group with that controlling girl with the really tight braids who's neurotic about her GPA and her chances of getting into her first-choice school. But sometimes groups are made up of strange people who don’t really belong together, and there's no clear “take-charge-and-own-it" type of person. That’s generally when you have to step it up, assuming you care about the outcome of your diorama, YouTube video, or whatever weird thing your teacher is assigning you that seems pretty pointless. Here’s a list of things not to do when you’re in charge, unless you want a poor grade and some serious issues.

Don’t make out with any group members. If you find yourself working late and alone with the only person in your group who is remotely attractive and has a regular showering routine, don’t fall prey to the semi-sexy scholarly thing. Sure, it might seem like a swell idea to lock lips after you finish putting the finishing touches on your Scarlet Letter review and homemade Jeopardy game, but trust me, you’ll feel squeamish and a bit miffed when, at the next group meeting, your makeout pal can’t make eye contact with you because he closes his eyes when you look in his general direction, and then, when the meeting's over, rushes out without giving you as much as a goodbye. Plus, you might feel a bit territorial when he strikes up a conversation with the girl in your group who's obsessed with sci-fi and is already writing a novel and wants to show him her first draft. And besides, what do you think he’ll write on your group evaluation? Jenny Sander kisses like a greasy lizard, though I give her a B- for effort. She smells like the brownies she eats in study hall and tastes like them too. I wish I had kissed sci-fi instead.

Don’t reign supreme. Maybe you think it’s a great idea to make a “Pretty Pretty Egyptian Princess” game for your world religion class, but everyone else in your group thinks the original “Pretty Pretty Princess” game really sucked. Plus they think your idea for “I’m sorry you must wear the Kohl Eyeliner” card isn’t that clever. In fact, everyone thinks your proposal is borderline offensive. Instead of being a tyrant and making everyone go along with what you deem an A+ idea, you must compromise. Otherwise, you’ll wind up doing all the work by yourself. Accept that no one’s gonna get on board with that game. Pun intended.

Don’t forget food. If everyone else brings snacks and you’re the mooch, people will get angry when you eat all of their Swedish fish and neglect to bring even a box of raisins to the next group meeting. People notice that stuff, and it will be reflected in your group evaluation: Jenny Sander didn’t contribute as much as the others to the group, and instead rode the coattails of the other members. She showed up unprepared and empty-handed to meetings, and left full of herself. I give her an F for food,errr.... failure.

Don’t let your mom help. You’ve been kind enough to let the group meet at your house, but that doesn’t mean you should get your family to assist with the group work. Even if you want to put together a dance to go with the rap song you wrote about Homer’s “Odyssey,” and your mom happens to be an aerobics instructor, don’t ask for her assistance. Not only will you be grapevining through the routine, but if your groupmates end up seeing your mom in her bike shorts and sports bra, you’ll never live it down. The most your mom should be doing is baking cookies for the group and bringing down some refreshments so that no one can call you a mooch on their evals. And you can be honest when you write: I, Jenny Sander, supported the group with my utmost competence. I fed them, didn’t kiss them, and encouraged them to lend their best ideas, even if they were super lame and involved choreography. While I think all of my group members are solid people whose lives would be improved with just the tiniest bit of therapy, I believe our project turned out nicely. Give us an A, please. Kisses, J Sand.

Related post: There's No "I" In Group Project