Auntie SparkNotes: Claiming Your Crush

Here in Auntieville, I spend a lot of time feeling guilty about my inability to answer more than one letter at once. So when two closely related letters showed up within just a day of each other, that was pretty exciting—it's a two-fer! And if you've ever found yourself crushing on the same guy as a friend of yours, read on.

Dear Auntie Sparknotes,
I've liked this boy for a few months, and for once, I am pretty sure he likes me back. However, while I was trying to gather the courage to ask him out, a friend told me that another girl, a casual friend of mine, liked him too. A few days ago, she asked him out in front of a bunch of our friends and he turned her down, but she still clearly likes him. I, on the other hand, have not yet found the confidence pants to even tell anyone I like him. So my question is, would it be wrong to ask him out? I really don't want to hurt her feelings and don't want to make it awkward between us and I'm afraid I'll come off as rude and insensitive. Is there maybe a waiting period for this kind of thing? Help!

If life were a carnival, then right about now, you'd be standing in front of a colorful stand for the Game of Love, where an oily-looking barker with pitted skin and snaggleteeth would be shouting at you to step right up and give it a go. If your friend already took her best shot, then logic dictates that she should now step back and let someone else try to win over The Boy Everyone Wants. That's how it works.

But alas, life is not a carnival, which means you can't just go charging in there right this minute to win your prize... and which also means that Auntie will have to wait until some other time to indulge her desire for a ride on the Scrambler and some frozen cheesecake on a stick.

Mmmm. Cheeeeesecake.

But I digress.

Because this isn't a good friend, because she didn't personally inform you of her crush, and—most importantly—because she already tried and failed to snag The Boy, you're free to ask him out after a reasonable period of time has passed. (3-4 weeks should do it.) But out of respect for your group dynamic, you should a) ask him in private, and b) keep your relationship on the DL for a little while, until the rejection isn't so raw for your friend. And out of respect for her, you should continue to keep it low-key when you're all together. Making yourself happy is okay; throwing your happiness in the face of the scorned girl isn't.

Oh, and there's one other thing...

Dear Auntie Sparknotes,
I've been reading your recent posts about how to flirt with oh-so-adorable guys who have stolen your heart and what not, but I have a different problem.  Whenever I start to like a guy, I then find out that one of my OTHER friends also likes him, but just forgot to tell me.  Of course, my friends are more important to me than any potential-boyfriend, but these guys are really sweet, and I feel like if I had kept talking to them in a flirtatious way (I still talk to them, just not as if I like them), we might have ended up together.  This has happened with four different guys, and it's starting to just be annoying.  Some help, please, Auntie?

...for the love, you guys. People are not property!

Obviously, there are certain rules of engagement when it comes to navigating the small pond of high school romance. For instance, you shouldn't be cruising in on a guy after your friend has already explicitly mentioned her desire to date him—the Law of Human Decency states that we should avoid crush-related conflicts with our close friends whenever possible. And every so often, a girl will adore a boy so fervently that he is understood to be entirely off-limits to all other girls in her social circle, forever. (This works with the sexes reversed, as well.)

But these cases are rare. So unless you've already begun pursuing someone and there's an active flirtation going on, you don't get to call dibs on a guy your friend likes just because you briefly ogled his butt in gym class that one time. And if a guy you like is clearly interested in one of your friends, having the grace to step back is a skill worth learning.

And in your case, letter-writer, your friends seem to be overstepping the reasonable guidelines for crush-claiming. Fortunately, the solution is simple: if every time you tell you friends that you like someone, they claim to have liked him first, then stop telling your friends about your crushes. That way, you can sidestep all the drama, pursue the flirtation, and just mention the guy in question at a better time.

Like after he's asked you to be his girlfriend.

Do you have a crush on a fellow Sparkler? You'd better mention it now! And if you've got a question for Auntie, email her at advice@sparknotes.com.