Auntie SparkNotes: At Least You Don't Have a Second, Evil Head!

Hey there Auntie,
I recently started reading your advice, and I figured you would be a good person to open up to. I'm a 16 year old guy, and all I want is a good relationship with someone I really like (Doesn't everyone?). However, that seems impossible for me.I'm a gregarious kind of guy, I don't drink or smoke, I'm an athlete, and I do well in school. I try to be there for my friends whenever possible. But when it comes to the people I like, it seems like I'm never good enough.

I get really close to a girl, and then she'll tell me she doesn't like me anymore because someone new has come along. I had a conversation with a girl a few months ago who said she really wanted a relationship, so I asked her what kind of guy she was looking for. She replied "Anyone who's actually a nice guy. You're a nice guy, who do you know that's single?" When I told her that I liked her, she replied with "Oh. =/." Apparently I don't fit into the catagory of "anyone". Plus, even though I don't have problems talking to girls, I always fall for the people I can never have. If there's no way I could ever be with her, odds are I'll fall for that person. I really like a muslim girl now, but she's due to be married in a year or so, and due to how strict her parents are, she can't even consider dating me. Why does this always happen? I just want to have the chance to show the people I like that I really care.

The way I see it, letter-writer, your problem can be traced to one of three possible explanations:

Option 1: You have the worst luck of any sixteen-year-old who has ever existed, because the universe hates you.
Option 2: You have one or two self-sabotaging, unconscious habits or behaviors that are hurting your chances at happiness.
Option 3: Girls are being frightened away by the second, evil head which has recently sprouted from between your shoulder blades and which nobody wants to mention for fear of embarrassing you.

So, which is it? Let's try working backwards. First, find something gross, like a lizard or a slimy mushroom. Holding it between your thumb and forefinger, raise your hand up and over your shoulder, and then drop the gross thing into the space immediately behind you.

Did you hear a quick splat followed by a scream?
No? Okay, well, you definitely don't have a second, evil head sprouting from your back. So that's good!

And after a careful read-through of your letter, I don't think all the blame can be laid at the feet of Option 1, either—although because you're sixteen, it's possible that the universe just hasn't sent along someone compatible yet. Not because it hates you, but because it's lazy. But still, we should have a look at Option 2— the best one, really, because it means that your problem is one you can do something about.

So, look back at your letter, and see what you've told me: that you tend to fall for people you can't have, that attainable crushes leave you floundering in the friend zone, and that a relationship, not a specific girl, is your goal. I'm only guessing, but are you, by any chance, afraid of getting hurt and letting your insecurities get the best of you? The Unattainable Crush is a frustrating experience, but it's also, weirdly, safe; after all, if you've got no chance with a girl, you're free to idealize her from afar without ever getting involved in the messier business of an actual relationship. And if you do pursue one of these unattainable girls, a lack of confidence can cause you to be immediately and irretrievably dumped in the friend zone. If you're interested in someone, you have to show it by:

- Being interested in who she is, and opening up enough to let her get to know you.
- Engaging in appropriately flirty behavior, without coming on too strong, too fast.
- Making your interest known sooner, rather than later.

Getting close to a girl is great; getting close to her under the extended pretense of friendship when what you really want is to be her boyfriend isn't great. You don't have to be aggressive, but you DO have to be assertive—not only because it'll keep you from wallowing in the friend zone, but because otherwise, you're offering yourself up as doormat bait for girls who are happy to use you for a confidence boost and then drop you when someone else comes along.

And finally, remember this: Wanting to be in a relationship is great, but it isn't a goal in and of itself. It's about wanting to be with someone, not anyone. So put on your Confidence Pants, be assertive, be patient, and allow a connection to develop organically. Whatever they may say, girls aren't looking for “a nice guy who gets good grades and doesn't do drugs”—they're looking to connect with a person, and that means you need to open up. The right girl for you will be interested in you, and interesting to you. That's what relationships are made of.

And if, after a month of leaving your insecurities behind, you don't have at least one good prospect on the radar? Come back, let me know, and we'll run a second check on that evil extra head of yours.

Got feedback for our letter-writer? Got a question for Auntie? Leave your comments below, or email questions to advice@sparknotes.com.