The Diary of Ashley Spencer: Not Down With the Sickness

It’s really easy to walk around complaining about inane things when you’re healthy. I do it all the time; I’ve perfected the art of groaning. When my brother steals my computer charger, I go into a rage, throwing his things all around his room until I find it. When my mom forgets to buy orange juice or sugar-free Jell-O, you’d think some sort of pandemic might have struck our house, as I smite everyone with bloody rage. When my dad forgets to put the toilet seat down, I march into his room and demand respect. I am a complainer; I will gladly admit it. But when I get sick, the complaining goes to a whole new level.

My back hurts. It’s hard to breath and I just want to sleep through the pain. My throat feels like someone stuffed it with cotton. I’m hot. Then I’m cold. I’m sweating buckets, and then I feel like my parents forgot to turn on the heat. Then I’m hot again and have to take off all my clothes and get in a cold bath. Then I’m cold again. When I blow my nose, blood comes out. I can’t be more than ten feet away from a bathroom due to side effects of a certain drug, or something terribly embarrassing might happen. I have some viral infection that’s smaller than my fingernail, and although the nurse said I might get bronchitis or an ear infection, she wouldn’t give me any hardcore drugs, even if I slipped her money under the table. Yes, I am complaining to you about those these things, dear Sparklers, because I know you’re there for me.

When I feel this low, when I’m disabled to the point that I can no longer perform my normal routine of eating, working, and showering, I look back longingly on the days when the worst thing was my brother taking a long poop in my bathroom and therefore preventing me from accessing my favorite lip gloss. I compile a list of things that I can’t do right now, that I take for granted in my healthy, well-balanced state:

• Decide when and where I am going to the bathroom
• Breath without the assistance of my dogs giving me mouth-to-mouth
• Realize that wearing a robe all day isn't normal and is something only the elderly should do
• Eat solid food and not worry about the digestion process
• Not have to have a throat lozenge in my mouth at all times
• Not have to clean out my bloody nose with a Vaselined-up Q-Tip
• Talk to people without scaring them off with my voice box that sounds like someone cut the cords
• Not wake up with my hair matted to my face in a cool, dank sweat feeling as if my eyes never even shut

Well, I better get going before my stomach erupts and breaks into a million little pieces. I just wanted everyone to know that being sick sucks and makes you terribly unfunny and unoriginal. It also makes you thankful for what you can do when you're healthy--and I can't wait to be healthy again.

Are you feeling under the weather? Tell me how you get over it! I need all the help I can get!

Related post: The Diary of Ashley Spencer: What No One Tells You About Blue Gumballs