Every year on a Sunday in the dead of winter, millions of people across the nation take shelter inside, gather up some grub, and shout at the TV. That's right, Sparklers, it's time for the Super Bowl! If you're a football fan, this game is the ultimate competition, the culmination of a long, exhausting season. And if you're a really lucky football fan, you'll get the chance to see your favorite team play for the greatest title of all: Super Bowl Champion.
But what if you're not a fan? What if the thought of two dozen overgrown ballerinas trying to give each other permanent brain damage doesn't get your blood pumping? You might be tempted to think that Super Bowl Sunday has nothing to offer you. But you would be wrong, my friend! While we can't say that you'll appreciate the beauty of watching beefy men crash into each other, we can suggest six things that will keep you thoroughly entertained throughout the game.
1. The Food
Like most holidays (it's practically a holiday, right?), any Super Bowl viewing party will feature mounds and mounds of food. This food will be low on nutrition and high on deliciousness: chips, chili-cheese dip, guacamole, more chili, more cheese, mini-hot dogs wrapped in tiny little blankets of croissant dough and baked to golden brown glory. But beyond this traditional SB fare, this year you might find more unusual treats inspired by New Orleans' unique cuisine: King cakes, beignets, Jambalaya sandwiches, and oyster po' boys. Maybe even some Popeye's fried chicken. Bring your appetite, cause you're in for a smorgasbord. (And don't forget a pillow for the post-game food coma.)
2. The Commercials
For advertisers, the Super Bowl means 150 million pairs of eyes glued to the TV. Companies spend big bucks—like, $3 million for 30 seconds—to hold your attention during commercial breaks. They might hire big name stars, as they did in this 1993 commercial featuring Michael Jordan and Larry Bird. Or they might use humor, like in this 2000 commercial about cat herding. And when all else fails, they'll go straight for the gushy, sentimental stuff, as seen in this heartwarming Budweiser Clydesdale commercial from 2006. Awww, so cute!
3. The Crazy Fans
People who love football really love football. Just look how fans in New Orleans reacted when the Saints beat the Minnesota Vikings to make it to the Super Bowl. If this is any indicator of how people will behave while watching the game, then you know you're in for quite a display. While you watch the game, scan the crowd for the fans with the most over-the-top outfits. We nominate these guys. Or maybe these guys. There will be plenty to choose from on game day.
4. The Halftime Show
Midway through all that grunting and body smashing, the players retire to their locker rooms to regroup (or get manicures, whatever). Meanwhile, the spectators get treated to a giant, spectacular show featuring some of the biggest names in entertainment. And while things usually go off without a hitch, there are occasional mishaps, such as the Great Wardrobe Malfunction of 2004. This year, the classic rock band The Who is headlining. They have been known to rip it up in their day, but we'd have preferred to see The Onion's pick.
5. The Fever
We get that you don't really care about football. But for this day only, we suggest you conduct a social experiment in which you pretend you care that the quarterback just got crushed. Jump out of your seat in joy when everyone else does. Throw Cheetos at the TV when your friends do. And give yourself the freedom to criticize, even though you don't really know what's going on.
6. The End of the Season
If you can't find solace in anything else, we've got a reminder that we know will push you over the edge: the Super Bowl marks the end of the football season. That's it. No more giant men in tights. When it's over, it's over. At least, for about 7 months, after which it starts all over again. Sorry, didn't mean to end on a bummer.
Do you have plans for the Super Bowl? Do you actually care about the game?
Related Post: How to be Friends with an Obsessed Fan
By: Katie_Rolnick
Topics: Life
Tags: sports, football, fans, super bowl
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