7 Ways Not to Impress Boys

Last week, we ran a post about how not to impress girls. Just to be fair, we had to write an equally-ridiculous article for the gals of SparkNotes.

1. On a dinner date, order an arugula salad, minus the arugula. When your waiter politely states that your request is impossible, upturn the table, backhand slap him, and scream, “IMPOSSIBLE?! We put a man on the MOON, sir! This is AMERICA. AND IN AMERICA, I CAN HAVE AN ARUGULA-LESS ARUGULA SALAD.”

2. Style your hair with as many Bumpits as possible. If you run out of head-space, glue some onto your face.

3. Pull a Lady Gaga and dress only in clothing that has been certified by NASA as “intergalactic weaponry.”

4. Spell your name out on his lawn. With gasoline. And flames. When he runs outside to investigate the impending catastrophe, make sure you're wearing a Smokey the Bear costume and holding a glittery sign that says, “Only YOU can prevent forest fires. Call me. Or else.”

5. Make your weight the subject of every conversation. If he asks what your favorite Matt Damon movie is, respond by sighing heavily and saying, “I wish I had Matt Damon’s calves. They’re so slender and enviably feminine.” If he invites you out to Ben & Jerry’s, punch him in the throat and hiss, “How DARE you imply that I like ice cream! Do you WANT me to be fat?!? Is THAT what you WANT?!?”

6. Drive him insane with jealousy by inviting your third cousin (once removed) to prom. Whenever he glances in your direction, tightly grasp your cousin’s hand and shout at your bf, “WE’RE NOT EVEN RELATED BY BLOOD, YOU JEALOUS FREAK. SO WHAT IF I’M IN LOVE WITH A FAMILY MEMBER. AT LEAST I HAVE SOMEONE THAT’S INTERESTED IN ME.” Then drag your cousin to the dance floor and get low.

7. Hide in his locker. When he opens it, fall to the floor and pretend to be dead from asphyxiation. After the school nurse, the ambulance, and the media arrive, jump up, throw your arms around his neck in an ecstatic embrace and yell, “SURPRISE!” That’s it. Just “surprise.” If it’s true love, you won’t need to say anything else.

What's the most ridiculous thing you or a friend has done to impress a guy?

Related Post: 7 Ways Not to Impress Girls