February Horoscopes

The shortest month of the year has arrived. Will you still have enough time to find true love, become stinking rich, and get revenge on your enemies? Read on to find out…

Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Your ankles are stronger than you assume. Don't be afraid to use them. A woman not named Lola will not bring your good fortune. There is something that your best friend has been meaning to tell you. Confront her and demand to know what's up. If she denies knowing anything, press harder. If she begins to cry, back off. We may have been mistaken. Keep an eye on that vent in the ceiling (you know the one).

Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
There is money to be made with salty pine cones. Figure it out, and become a millionaire. Water will hit your head, and you will assume it was rain. It was not rain. Your elbow will…well, we can't really tell you here, because this is a family-friendly website. But seriously, your elbow is up to no good. Check your shoes for spiders, ants, money, and ghosts of rodents. If you're feeling lonely, hum Beyonce songs and true love will find you. Things that roll will bring bad luck.

Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
If you see a sad person humming Beyonce songs, ask them out. They are lonely. Keep your thoughts on health care to yourself. But tell everyone your thoughts on wearing socks to bed. A text message will either cheer you up, or make you mad. It all depends on if the text ends with a question mark or an exclamation point. While you're reading page 188 of a book, something odd will happen on your left. Girls named Tara are not to be trusted, as their name spelled backwards is "A rat." The same goes for guys named Ssana.

Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
For the next 90 minutes, pay close attention to all things made of cardboard. Ignore things made of plastic or cotton. Things that bounce will bring you luck. If anyone gives you the thumbs up hand gesture, that means they love you with all their heart. There is something in the hall closet that you shouldn't see. It might be a secret present, or it might be ultraviolet light. Piccolo music will be very, very important this month. But fife music will be deadly. Know the difference! Eat an entire cantaloupe.

Leo (July 23 – August 22)
If you hate the sight of blood, do not look out the window in exactly eighteen minutes. Someone whose name begins with "Ja" will fall in love with you. Someone whose name begins with "Mi" will not care about you one way or the other. Remember, haircuts are temporary. As are mice. This fact will come in handy next Tuesday. The spacebar is filled with deadly germs. You wouldn't happen to know anyone named Wayne, would you? Good. Keep it that way.

Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
This Valentine's Day, don't put any flower stems in your mouth. Or spiders. Keep your shoes tied tight, or else stay away from escalators and bears. You will see something and assume it's black. It's really navy blue. Plan accordingly. Fruit will scare you somehow. Increase use of the word "brontosaurus" by 50%. Decrease use of the word "goat" by 40%. Stop saying the word "hog" altogether. Quick! Look up!

Libra (September 23 – October 22)
Beware of the numbers 5 and 9. Also girls named Hilary. And adhesive tape. And stairs. And helicopters. And fire. And ice. And raspberry flavored things. And benches. And sticks. And Jay-Z songs. Has that pillow always been there? Hmm…you may want to investigate this pillow situation. Guys with bad teeth will ruin your life. At some point this month you will say, "Aren't the Olympics over yet?"

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
You will receive a Valentine from someone you thought was ugly. But after thinking it over, you no longer think the person is ugly; instead you think they are unconventionally beautiful. Open your mouth in exactly four minutes. Everyone loves marshmallows. If someone says, "I don't love marshmallows," they are liars. Run away from these people. Your nose is suddenly itchy, isn't it? Don't pretend that it's not itchy. We can totally tell.

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
Take that thing off your head. You look ridiculous. While your Valentine's Day will be crappy, things pick up and become hot and heavy on President's Day (wear something romantic). Eat while standing up. Drink while sitting down. When you dance, you look like a duck…but a sexy duck who has amazing dance moves. Jen (or Tom, or Lilly) needs to talk to you. Try wearing something new on your feet, and great luck will be your reward…along with mild blisters. Answer the phone in a British accent, and everything will work out.

Capricorn (December 22 – January 19)
Reply to emails as if you're stuck in future, with no way of returning to your own time. This will solve most of your problems. Cracking your knuckles will lead to very, very strong knuckles. Your best friend will say that you can have the last slice of pizza, but s/he will secretly think you're greedy if you take it. Someone wearing green tomorrow thinks about you constantly, in a very R-rated way. Your neck will get you in trouble. When you fall on February 17th, try to fall towards your right.

Aquarius (January 20 - February 18)
Lumber is your friend this month. Keep some with you at all times. Do not spend Valentine's Day near, or in, a lagoon. A coffee mug will break, and a mammal will be to blame. Talk to people wearing hats. Stay away from people wearing cloaks. Don't bring guacamole to the party, as someone else is already bringing some. (Bring rice pudding or a three-bean salad instead.) Memorize the lyrics to Rapper's Delight by the Sugar Hill Gang. Yes, all of the lyrics. And no, you can't just memorize the short version. We're talking about the nearly 15-minute version. Stay out of the backyard after 7:15 p.m. We're not kidding! Please, we beg you, listen to this warning. Don't touch any coal.

Pisces (February 18 – March 20)
Breathe more. Keep loose change away from your pockets as it may attract lightning, and not the good kind of lightning that gives people superpowers. Hang out with people who haven't seen Avatar. They will be quite entertaining. Sleep with a rose under your pillow, and your soulmate will be revealed in a dream. Plus, the next morning, you will wake up and have a dead, flat rose to play with. Keep an eye out for the elbow of anyone born between April 20th and May 20th.

Related post: January Horoscopes