Gross Plastic Underpants (and Other Things You Can't Wear If You Want to Hang Out With Us)

If you're staying current on internet ephemera this week, you've probably seen this terrifying viral sensation already—a scan of the exhaustive seven-page-long mandatory dress code for girls rushing at Cornell's Pi Phi sorority. In addition to leaving the entire internet in head-shaking disbelief, this document should clear up any lingering questions you might have had about whether sorority girls are really that bad. (In fact, they're worse.)

The list, written by an extremely demanding girl—who, in the absence of any info about her name, we've decided to call “Prissy McStickinbutt”—includes such ironclad decrees as:

“NO muffin tops or extreme low-rise!”
“NO socks at all—they should be hose material.”
“No one looks good in satin dresses.”

“I expect EVERYONE to be wearing accessories.”
“I will not tolerate any gross plastic shizzzz.”
“I demand earrings if your ears are pierced.”

And, of course, the important if somewhat baffling reminder that:
“Silk is not satin people.”

Funny, we didn't think silk was made of people at all. Doesn't it come from worms? Or did Prissy McStickinbutt just—gasp!—forget how to punctuate?

To show Prissy who's boss, we've decided to start our own sorority, with our own dress code, and we would like to invite all of you to become members. That is, assuming you can handle the following requirements:

Pants must be worn at all times, unless you are in the shower, in which case you may designate another member to temporarily wear your pants for you.
NO rhinoceros-hide tuxedos with sequined accents are permitted.
No one looks good in saran wrap. Use tin foil instead.
If you wear a hat, you must introduce it to everyone assembled using its full first and last name. If your hat doesn't have a name, go away.
We expect everyone to be wearing underpants.
We will not tolerate any gross plastic underpants.
We demand nipple rings if your nipples are pierced, but we will not actually be checking this, because nobody wants to see your nipples.
Badgers and other wild animals are not to be worn as coats, unless they tell you it's okay.

Want to join our sorority? Want to suggest some additions to the dress code? Want to make fun of Prissy McStickinbutt? Off to the comments!

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