7 Ways Not to Impress Girls

1. Do 29 cartwheels in a row. Follow this stupendous display of acrobatic skill by barfing.

2. Claim you are the lesser-known but still irrefutably famous fourth member of the Jonas Brothers, “Bonus Jonas.” Buy some inordinately skinny white jeans and say irresistible stuff like, “Hey girl, you’re burnin’ up. Maybe you should stop, drop, and rollllllll.” Also, it wouldn’t hurt to straighten your hair.

3. Ask her deeply important philosophical questions like, “How bout them Vikings?” or “If you could be any chunky soup in the world, which kind would you be?” or “Holy s%&#, was that Jessica Simpson?!? I am SO gonna grind up on that.”

4. Tell her that story about the time you and your buddy Jim “The Axe Murderer” Bob climbed Mount Everest. Backward. Without oxygen tanks. Blindfolded. While carrying packs, sherpas, and fully occupied 20-person tents on your backs. Spare no detail, especially not the one where Jim Bob captured a rare mountain tiger using his own dismembered arm as bait.

5. Change your name to something astoundingly masculine. Can you even imagine how HOT you’ll seem introducing yourself as “John Wayne Cement,” “Chuck Brick,” or “Jack Attack Football”?

6. Get a job as an alligator wrestler. An animatronic-alligator wrestler. In a petting zoo. Whenever you walk into the alligator pit, have Ted the Audio Guy blast Mariah Carey’s “Touch My Body” over the loudspeaker. If that doesn’t get the crowd going, lip-synch to Enrique Iglesias’ “Hero” before puttin’ them fake robot gators in a headlock.

7. Wear leggings.

Leggings on boys, c'mon do you really hate it?

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