Et Tu, Computer?

Computers are unique in the entire history of inventions, in that each and every one of them is both a miracle of productivity and a crafty disaster that wants you to fail all your classes. Whether it drives you moderately insane with its many enticing lolcats or simply decides to melt instead of turning on, your computer is not to be trusted. Other inventions—the cotton gin, for example—have far fewer uses, but they also just sits there looking old-timey instead of betraying you at the worst possible moment.

1) The Procrastination Factor
The Scenario: Attempting to research a paper on Shakespeare, you make the mistake of listening to Google when it says, "Did you mean: Shakespeare hilarious YouTube videos?" "No, Google, I did not mean that," you think, but then somehow it's 2 a.m. and you've spent hours watching cutouts of cat faces reenacting Hamlet.
The Problem: Before computers, there was absolutely no conceivable segue between "academic paper" and "talking cats." This is no longer the case. There's also the Facebook trap to worry about ("I've wasted so much time that I should update my Facebook status to bemoan how much time I've wasted!"). Both of these are just the pitfalls you deal with before anything has even gone wrong.

2) Popups, Viruses, And General Trickery
The Scenario: Having managed to do virtually everything except write a Shakespeare paper, you buckle down and get back to work, but now you're sleepy, rushed, and making poor decisions. Bleary-eyed, you click on some link that seems to be vaguely about Shakespeare. Unfortunately, it turns out to be a lie wrapped in pornography, much like everything else on the internet.

The Problem: The Web is like a massive, well-stocked library that also carries diet pills and counterfeit electronics: you can research anything in the world, but someone's probably trying to sell you something shady while you do. Though annoying, this only really becomes a problem when the trickery crosses over from misspelled advertisements to something that causes your computer to shudder and die.

3) Mechanical Catastrophe
The Scenario: Against all odds, you have somehow succeeded in finishing this Shakespeare paper, and it's so perfect that you'd make out with it if such a thing were possible. All that's left to do is print it out. Nothing can possibly go wrong!

The Problem: Your hard drive spins…oh, around 200 billion times in its lifetime. Out of 200 billion, one of those times will go awry, and a nanometer of magnetic data—or, you know, magic or whatever—will be lost. This data will be your entire final paper for your most important class. Every. Single. Time.

Do you also hate illegal butts?

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