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A Much-Too-Honest College Tour

A Much-Too-Honest College Tour

By Robert Isenberg

Hi, everybody! Welcome to State University. My name is Robert, and I'll be your guide this afternoon.

I'm glad it's sunny today. Actually, I'm stunned. It rains almost constantly here, and when it's not raining, you can expect sleet and hail. Sunlight is unheard of. One kid caught scurvy last year.

You'll notice that I'm skilled at walking backward, and my microphone is too low to hear. My friends constantly make fun of me for shouting and walking backward in my spare time. In my heart, I blame all of you. Really, I don't care if you come to State U. or not. The only reason I'm here is because I couldn't afford Stanford. But anyway.

This is the Union. I would explain its historic architecture, but none of you will care or remember. The only reason to visit the Union is that it has a Pizza Hut in the basement. The Student Government Board is housed here, but nobody knows what they do, including most of the Student Government Board. I have literally no idea who is president of my class right now.

This is Smith Hall, named after a wealthy industrialist named Smith. This hall is the only reason anyone knows his name. Funding the construction of this building is the only charitable thing he ever did. If you believe the third-shift custodians, his ghost still haunts the halls or something.

The cafeteria food is a little impossible to swallow, but you can have as much of it as you want! Yay, dining dollars!

This is the Zeta Zeta Zeta fraternity house. This is the only exciting place in the tri-county area. Well, it was, before they were suspended for the "Ford Explorer Incident." You will never hear an accurate version of this story.

This is the chancellor's office. The chancellor's wife has never been sober for a single public function. You didn't hear that one from me.

This also might be a good time to tell you that the campus isn't nearly as diverse as the brochures let on. In fact, none of the people in the pictures even go here. They were models hired from a talent agency in Rock Ridge. Most of the shots were taken on the community college's campus, which is, frankly, nicer-looking and way funnier.

The library is made of concrete and the heat regularly shuts off. That's fine, though, since only drifters spend any time there.

Here's the dormitory! I beg you, all of you, not to live here. The filth and body odor are overpowering. The toilets don't flush. The shower is a spigot, and the florescent lights flicker eerily. The security guards judge you with their eyes. I haven't seen my floor monitor for months, and I fear for his wellbeing.

Do all of you carry pepper spray? Just checking.

I hope you enjoyed your campus tour. I'm cutting this short because I forgot to "do my homework," and by that I mean print out a Wikipedia article and reformat it to look like my own. I hope you have a pleasant stay at the Motel 6, since there's nowhere else to stay in town, except, of course, the library. Happy college hunting!

Have you ever been on a bad college tour, or toured a bad college?

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Topics: School
Tags: college, college search, horrible things, college visits

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