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Blogging Eclipse: Part 10

Blogging Eclipse: Part 10

Chapter Ten: Scent
Better Title: I Wish It Were Chapter 11

We're going to a Werewolf Party! Well, not really. But at the end of this chapter, Bella is headed out to La Push to a bonfire party with Jacob and the other werewolves. So that means we're invited too! Werewolf Party!

Oh man, it's going to be awesome, with hot dogs, and jetpacks, and marshmallows, and crossbow fights, and music, and blowing up old cars with dynamite. Unfortunately, we have to slog through this boring chapter before we can go have fun.

Edward leaves Bella's house because Jacob is coming over to pick up the scent of the evil vampire. Before leaving, Edward leans in and breathes on Bella's hair and neck. It's passionate, but the real reason he does this is that he wants Jacob to catch a whiff of vampire stink on Bella. I'm surprised Edward doesn't pee on her as well. Do vampires pee? We've already talked about this, haven't we? Eh, whatever. We're going to a Werewolf Party!

Jacob arrives, surprising Bella in the kitchen with his stealthy moves. She had forgotten that he moves like the wind. She describes how super-sexy he looks. He's wet and naked except for a pair of cutoff jean shorts. His muscles glisten in the soft glow of the kitchen light. His scruffy hair is just begging to be mussed. He stands before Bella like an animal, his warm body…um…never mind. Anyway, Jacob is standing there. (And I'm straight.)

Jake notices Bella gawking at his half-naked body and says it's easier to carry around a pair of shorts instead of a full ensemble while he's in wolf form. He points out the rope around his leg, and says he uses it to carry his clothes while he's a wolf, because it's not easy to carry denim in his mouth. (Preaching to the choir, my man. Preaching to the choir.)

Jacob goes up to Bella's room to catch a whiff of the e-vamp, and quickly returns, scaring Bella once again with his speed and stealth. He apologizes and offers to help her with the dishes. He asks her what it's like to date a vamp, and she mockingly says, "It's the best." I dig Bella's feisty side. I wish we saw it more often. You know what else I wish we saw more often? Snowmobile chases.

Jacob pushes the issue, wanting to know if Bella is ever freaked out by the idea of dating a monster. He asks if she's ever kisses Edward. She says she has, and Jacob asks, "You don't worry about fangs?" She punches his arm playfully and reminds us all that vampires don't have fangs. Anyway, what do you think I should wear to the werewolf party? I want to look good, but not like I'm trying to look good. Plus, I don’t want to be the only one there wearing a sweater if everyone else is going to be wearing T-shirts and capes. Do you think I have time to squeeze in a haircut and grow a cool beard?

Jacob asks when, exactly, Bella will become a vampire, and she tells him it will be her graduation present from the Cullens. He becomes lost in thought while washing a kitchen knife, and accidentally slices his hand. Bella panics like a maniac for a few paragraphs as she tries to wrap up his hand.

We all know that Bella doesn't like the sight of blood. (Maybe she'll starve to death when she's a vampire.) But this scene is pointless. Werewolves have fast-healing abilities, which Bella knows because she saw Jacob use the power after scuffling with Paul in the last book. So why is she so worked up? It seems like she often forgets that Jacob is a werewolf. She's always worried about him fighting Victoria, or getting a cut on his hand. I'm surprised that every time she sees Jacob she doesn't scream, "Oh my god! You're so tall and muscular. What the hell is up with that?"

If Bella was being attacked by a mountain lion, and Jacob was nearby, she'd probably scream, "Run, Jacob! You and your mortal flesh are no match for this mountain lion. Save yourself!" And then Jacob would wolf-out and swallow the mountain lion whole, as Bella casually said, "Oh yeah. You can do that. I forgot. N'mind. Let's not kiss."

Jacob tries to calm down the hysterical Bella by showing her that the wound has already healed. He then reminds her that he is a werewolf, and that she should have known about the fast-healing power because of the Paul/Jacob smackdown. Oh crap! I'm going to meet Paul at the party. I hope I don't make him angry. Maybe I should bake him a ham. Wolves like ham, right? That wolf who blew down all those pig houses seemed to enjoy pig meat. So ham it is.

Since Jacob is fine, Bella sets about cleaning up the floor. She doesn't want Edward to come in and smell all the blood. This is another sign that she lives to serve her controlling boyfriend. You know it's time to end things with your forever buddy if you catch yourself saying:

"Oh, I need to clean up because Edward likes things tidy."
"Oh, I can't leave blood on the floor or Edward will get angry."
"Oh, I better not have friends, because Edward frowns upon friendship."
"Oh, I've wasted my teenage years worshipping at the feet of a manipulative lullaby author, when I could have been out having fun."

Bella, Bella, Bella. I feel sorry for you. And when we're at the Werewolf Party, I'm probably not going to hang out with you, because I'll be too busy launching fireworks with Sam. I bet Sam has crazy-good fireworks, the illegal kind, the kind you can only get in Mexico or sketchy parts of New Jersey.

As they clean, Jacob asks Bella how she feels about having a werewolf friend. She says she loves it, but only when the werewolf is "being nice." Jacob then hugs Bella vigorously. When he smells Edward's breath on her hair, he makes a disgusted sound. As he gets ready to leave, he invites Bella to a party at La Push. Werewolf Party! I'm not sure if I'll need it, but I'm going to bring a helmet. Who am I kidding? Of course I'll need it! Werewolf Party!

Jacob says that if Bella comes to the party, she could meet Kim (who I assume is Jared's imprint mate). He says Quil wants to see her because he's a bit upset that she found out about werewolves before him. Uh-oh. There might be tension at the Werewolf Party. That's OK. I won't notice because I'll be too busy playing Laser Tag with Embry. I'm sure the werewolves have Laser Tag.

Bella says she's not sure about going to the party, because things are dangerous, and because she's a moron. But Jacob says she'll be in the company of six rad-tacular werewolves, so she'll be safe. She thinks it over and then says, "I'll ask." Looks like she still needs to get Edward's authorization whenever she wants to have fun.

I hope Bella isn't allowed to come. She's just going to ruin things by acting sad, and when I'm singing TV show theme songs on Paul's karaoke machine, and the moment comes during the theme from "The Fresh Prince of Bel Air" when I point the microphone towards the crowd and ask everyone to join in, she's going to kill my buzz and ruin my flow with her sad, whiny face. And then she'll say, "Um. I don't know the words?" Shut up Bella! Everyone knows the words.

As soon as Jacob is out the door, the awful Edward returns. He brings in Bella's mail and shows her a big, fat envelope from Dartmouth, which he assumes is her acceptance letter.

Bella is taken aback; she told Edward that applying to Dartmouth was futile because she couldn't afford the tuition even if she was accepted. But Edward wants to pay. She says she won’t let him throw away money simply so she can pretend to go to college for one year.

I'm confused. I assumed Bella was actually going to go to college, and that there she would be transformed into a vampire, safely away from her dad. But now it sounds like Bella is going to pretend to go college, while secretly becoming a vampire and doing nothing else. Wait. Why am I worrying about this? We're going to a Werewolf Party next week! I'm bringing a change of shoes, because you know something awesome/destructive is going to happen to my shoes at some point.

Edward says that coming up with cover stories becomes easier after a few decades, when everyone you know dies off. Bella flinches at the thought of watching her family die before her eyes. I flinch at the thought of not being able to stay awake for the entire Werewolf Party, because you know werewolf parties begin at fun o'clock and don't end until question mark.

Bella changes the subject, asking Edward what Alice did with the clothes missing from her room. What? Didn't we already figure out that the e-vamp stole the clothes? I thought this part of the mystery was solved. Has Bella forgotten that her room was invaded by a vampire? I guess so.

Edward is shocked by the news that Bella's clothes are missing. He tells her that the vampire must have wanted her scent. (Or Mike Newton needed a costume for the life-sized Bella doll he made out of animal skulls.) Then Eddie's phone rings. It's not Emmett.

It's Carlisle. He tells Edward some news, and Edward tells him about Bella's missing clothes. After hanging up, Edward looks for the newspaper and finds the article that Carlisle must have told him about over the phone. The Seattle killer is adding to his list of victims, and the haphazard behavior of this newborn vampire worries Edward.

He thinks this vampire is unaware of the Volturi code of conduct. The Volturi don't mind if vampires kill innocent people, but they ask that the vampires do so secretively, so as not to reveal themselves to the world. The newborn vampire is drawing too much attention, and if s/he keeps it up, the Volturi will come to Seattle and handle the situation. I hope Marcus (tee-hee) comes to America. (I want to ask him if this girl I had a crush on in the third grade liked me back.)

If the Volturi come to Seattle, it makes sense that they would swing past Forks and check up on Bella's vampire status. Edward tells Bella that Alice is keeping a close eye on the Seattle situation. (So does that mean she's not watching over Bella any more?) The Cullens don’t want to confront the newborn vampire until it's "absolutely necessary."

Put another way: The Cullens don’t give a rat's ass if innocent people are being killed in Seattle, unless Bella's safety is in jeopardy. Way to go, Cullens. We humans salute thee. You are the real heroes. (Sarcasm hand raised.)

Edward says Jasper will be able to help, since he is somehow a newborn vampire expert. Jasper may convert, or at least calm down, this newborn. Bella wants to know why Jasper is an expert, but Edward simply says it's a long story. (And I'm guessing we're in for a dreary, chapter-length tale about Jasper's tragic life, a tale that will involve the death of loved ones and the loss of [dramatic pause]…innocence.)

Edward says, "You have something you want to ask me?" He knows that Jacob invited Bella to a Werewolf Party, and seems to enjoy making her nervously beg for permission. He holds her chin (another sign of an ugly, abusive relationship) and says, "Would you like to go?"

She answers with a pathetic, "It's no big thing. Don't worry about it." No big thing? It's a Werewolf Party! It's the biggest, best thing in the world next to eating pancakes on a rollercoaster while listening to an unreleased Beatles double album and sitting beside Amy Adams!

Edward then says, "You don't have to ask my permission, Bella. I'm not your father." Ha! I bet $500 bajillion dollars that if Bella didn't ask permission and then went to the party, Ed would flip out, kidnap (and murder) all of her family members, and then burn down the forest trying to find her.

Bella wants to go to the party (naturally) and Edward says she can go, but only if he drives her himself, and she takes a cell phone with her. That sounds a bit father-ish to me. But who cares? Do you think there will be a big catapult at the Werewolf Party? That's a silly question. Let me rephrase. How many big catapults will there be at the Werewolf Party?

Bella calls Jake, who is thrilled that she is coming to the party. She decides to take her motorcycle back to La Push, "where it belonged." She has Edward take her to the Cullen house, where she parked the bike. In the garage, she notices a large, expensive new motorcycle sitting next to her beat-up, smaller motorcycle. Edward reluctantly says he bought the motorcycle for himself. He knows that she loved riding motorcycles with Jacob, and hoped that she would ride with him too. Awww…how desperate and clingy.

But the sight of the big, shiny motorcycle next to her crummy, smaller bike upsets Bella. It reminds her of what it must look like when she stands next to Edward. He is so great. She is so not-great. We've been over this a billion times now.

Bella doesn't like the idea of riding motorcycles with Edward. She doesn't think she can keep up with his high-performance machine. This is symbolic of her relationships and friendships, and blah blah blah. Edward reads between the lines and sighs, "This is something you do with Jacob. I see that now." Poor Edward got shot down. Boo-hoo. He might also want to reconsider buying that fancy crystal outdoor spaghetti plate. Because eating outdoor spaghetti is a Jacob-Only activity. You don't see Jacob rushing out to the office supply store to buy lullaby paper, do you?

Edward gives Bella a new red helmet and a riding jacket to keep her safe. She tries them on and thinks she looks "hideous," but Edward says she looks sexy in her new gear. I believe this is the first time some form of the word "sex" has been used in this series. How scandalous. He can't kiss her with the helmet on, so that comes right off and they smooch.

Edward drives her to La Push with the motorcycle in the back of the car. They reach the werewolf territory and see Jacob leaning against his Volkswagen. Ed says goodbye, but Bella notices a look of worry or panic in his eyes.

Jacob is happy to see Bella bringing her bike back to La Push. He hugs her, and Edward drives away. Jacob and Bella then head to the Werewolf Party, where there will be fire, and canons, and trucks flying off ramps, and shark tanks, and free rhino rides, and Emmett, and Weezer, and giant water slides, and delicious cakes, and trampoline basketball courts, and pirate ships, and rockets…

Glowers: 1 (Book Total 9)
Murmurs: 5 (Book Total 31)

The Werewolf Party will be disappointing.

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Topics: Books
Tags: blogging twilight, blogging eclipse

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