Auntie SparkNotes: Bye Bye, (High School) Love

Dear Auntie SparkNotes,
I feel really silly, but I need help. I'm an 18 year old senior, and my boyfriend and I started dating at the end of ninth grade, so we've almost been together for 3 years. We love each other very much. I've told him all the bad things that have happened to me, we've shared everything, and he's even asked me to marry him. But: He's in a predicament where he has no place to go but a trade school, near where his parents are, after graduation. This is 6 hours away from where I plan to go to college. He does not have a car, his parents don't have a house phone or internet. I may be getting a car, but I'm not a very experienced driver, especially not for 6 hours alone.

He doesn't think we could handle not seeing or talking to each other. He's my first boyfriend, so I'm pretty sure any optimism I feel about being able to handle this is naivete. It kills me that we're probably going to break up because of distance. Is there anything I can do to keep us together? He doesn't want this any more than I do, but he's trying to be smart about it, and he wants to make it as painless as possible for both of us, especially me. The only two things we've come up with so far is: 1. Slowly drift apart so we can break it off before the end of school or 2. Drag it out as long as possible, until graduation.

There is another college I've been accepted to that's 3 hours away, but I don't like it as much. Would I really be sacrificing much to go to my second choice college, if I could be closer to him? My future comes first, but...he's a close second.

Auntie SparkNotes hates overused clichés, you guys. HATES THEM. They are hackneyed, horrible things, and when I see them used, my toenails curl in on themselves and the milk in my fridge goes sour and my hair spontaneously bursts into flame. And so, it is with great regret that I type the following sentence:

If your relationship can't survive long distance, then it wasn't meant to be.

Oh God, and there goes the hair. Can someone fetch a fire extinguisher?

Rather than spouting more clichés about the nature of high school romance, let's look at the particulars of your situation. You don't need me to tell you that going to your second choice college is a terrible idea—you would be sacrificing something vital to you, something which (unlike your relationship) you don't get a second chance at. Not to mention that if your boyfriend has no internet access, no phone, and no wheels of his own, being three hours apart as opposed to six isn't going to do you a lick of good. You'd still be a lengthy drive away and stuck with all the responsibility for keeping the relationship afloat—except now, you're also at a college you hate.

Gee, that sounds fun.

But let's leave that aside for now; none of it really matters, because—and I'm sorry, honey, because this is gonna hurt—there's no decision to be made here.

Your boyfriend may love you, but he's not in this for the long haul. Have you noticed that while you're thinking of ways to save the relationship, he's just thinking of ways to end it? If he wanted to make it work, he'd want to work on making it—by getting a cell phone, or saving for a car, or planning to find work near your college when he's done with trade school, or writing you letters that cost a measly 43 cents to send. Instead, he's using the distance and his parental circumstances to cover what's not so easy to admit: He's just not willing to put in the effort it would take to stay together after graduation.

And you're so focused on the fact that he wants to break up painlessly that you've skipped right over the fact that he wants to break up.

So, what should you do? Three things:

1) Picture a life without him in it. It's going to hurt, but you need to peel away from this relationship and the “stay with Boyfriend at all costs” mindset. (This would need to happen even if a breakup weren't imminent, by the way—you, not your relationship, should be your first priority.) So from now on, devote some time every day to thinking of Future You, happily enrolled at the college of your dreams, filling your life with friends and experiences that don't involve your boyfriend.

2) Decide on a game plan. There's no such thing as a painless breakup, but you do have options. If the impending split is bringing you down and making the time you spend together unhappy, stop torturing yourself and end it. If you think you can enjoy each other's company until graduation and amicably part ways thereafter, then go for it. You can even agree that whatever happens, happens, and go away to your respective schools without making any official decisions. Once you're there (and surrounded by a slew of attractive, intelligent, interested guys), relaxing your death grip on the high school boyfriend may be easier than you think.

3) Embrace the next stage of your life. Whether you break up tomorrow, in June, or after a slow fade over the course of your first semester, don't let this relationship distract or keep you from enjoying your first year of college. Every freshman class includes a few kids who invest all their time and energy into maintaining a high school relationship, missing out on important first-year activities and failing to connect with anyone. Every single one of them ends up regretting it. This is time you can't get back, so use it wisely.

I know this isn't what you wanted to hear, and I'm sorry. I also know that you'll want to ignore everything I've said (not least because ten years ago, someone said this exact same thing to me about my high school boyfriend, and I was like, "Not listening!".) It's okay if you do; these things have a way of working themselves out, one way or another. But I hope you don't, because I'd rather see you save yourself the pain.

Let me know how it goes.

Ugh, that was a downer. Right? Leave your feedback in the comments. And to get advice from Auntie, email her at advice@sparknotes.com.