Prepare yourself, Sparklers. It's second semester, which means the end of the school year is practically nigh—especially for those of you with senioritis. And the end of the year can only mean one thing: valedictorian speeches at graduation. (Okay, so the end of the year actually means lots of things, but valedictorian speeches are definitely one of them).
Chances are, you or someone you know will have to deliver the valedictory address at your school’s graduation this spring. When that momentous occasion arrives, you may notice a certain discrepancy between the words being spoken and the speech giver’s actual sentiments. Please consult the following guide to better understand what the valedictorian is really trying to say:
What is said: “My fellow classmates…”
What is meant: “Hello parents of classmates, younger siblings of classmates, distant relatives of classmates who somehow got roped into sitting here and quietly counting the minutes until you can leave. Oh, and welcome, random hippies in the back who snuck in because they thought this was a Phish reunion concert.”
What is said: “It has been a difficult but worthwhile journey to this proud day.”
What is meant: “I am so happy that I never have to study for the SATs ever again.”
What is said: “To all of the teachers and educators who helped us to get here, we thank you.”
What is meant: “Yo, all of the teachers are wearing gowns! I didn’t know the teachers wore gowns, too! They look so weird, ah! This is crazy, we’re really graduating! Some of you teachers were not so good.”
What is said: “From the solid foundation we have built over the last four years, we shall venture out into the world to achieve greatness.”
What is meant: “I so hope that I have a cool, important-sounding job when we have our first high school reunion. Like, President. That would be cool. Wait. You have to be 35 to be President and I’ll be, like, 23 at our five-year reunion. Hmm. Maybe Roller Coaster Tester? No, that sounds made-up…and would only be impressive to 13-year-old boys. Hmm, maybe President of the Association of Roller Coaster Testers?”
What is said: “We have laughed…”
What is meant: “Tom, I’m still mad at you for that time you pulled down my pants in the cafeteria in front of Lisa Schneider and made everyone laugh at me. Not cool, dude. Not cool.”
What is said: “We have cried…”
What is meant: “Lisa, that time when Tom pulled my pants down in the cafeteria I know it looked like I started crying when everybody was laughing at me, but I was actually laughing too…laughing so hard that I was crying. Anyway, it doesn’t matter because that was sophomore year and now I’m valedictorian, and Tom isn’t, so looks like I get the last laugh! Wait, what’s that? You say that our school doesn’t have weighted grades so there are actually eight other students besides me with a 4.0 GPA, and thus eight other valedictorians? And Tom is one of them? Oh blurg.”
What is said: “And from it all, we have grown.”
What is meant: “Seriously, I’m like five inches taller than I was freshman year. My old jeans look like Old Navy capri pants.”
What is said: “From the many varied voices of our diverse class, today in a single voice we will proudly proclaim, ‘We are graduates.’”
What is meant: “Guys, I heard Rothman might be naked under his gown. It would sort of be awesome if he streaked across stage or something, but also sort of terrible because my grandma is in the audience.”
What is said: “And so to my classmates, I say, ‘Congratulations.’ And on behalf of my classmates I say to the world, ‘Watch out. The class of 2011 has arrived.’”
What is meant: “Weeeeeeee are the champions, my frieee-end. Bow-bow bow bow! And weeeeee’ll, keep on fiiiiiighting until the end! Buh-dun dun dun! Sing it with me guys! We did it! U-S-A! U-S-A! Um, I kinda want some Red Bull and pizza.”
What would you say in a valedictorian speech?
Related Post: Salutatorian vs. Valedictorian: Battle of the Graduation Speeches
Topics: School
Tags: graduation, public speaking, valedictorian
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