Driving Test Perils

By Jon_Skindzier

January 19, 2010

Some kids coast through their driver’s license tests with confidence and aplomb. If you are one of these, then go buy some lottery tickets, because Lady Luck evidently wants to have your babies. The rest of us are beset on all sides by horrible perils, perils such as these:

1.) The Grim, Furious Old DMV Guy
Hidden somewhere in a manual of departmental regulations is a secret clause that every DMV must staff at least one (1) Terrifying Old Man who hates everything, except kids taking their driving tests, whom he super-hates. He chain smokes and has a one-syllable name, and he used to be a cop, marine, or pirate. Back in his day, kids weren't so arrogant as to think they could drive cars. When you’re ready for your road test, it will seem like he has gone to lunch. This is just his psychological fake-out. You will always get the Terrifying Old Man.

2.) The "Do This Illegal Thing" Maneuver
Even if you somehow don't get Beardy McHatred, there's a chance you’ll be asked to do something that will cause you to fail the road test. It won’t be obvious; the tester won’t just lean over and bellow “NOW SMASH INTO THAT TAXI, HA HA HA!” But he might tell you to roll through a stop sign or turn into the exit of a parking lot. Some states swear they do not allow this trickery. Others are suspiciously silent on the matter, almost as if they’re hiding something…

3.) Parallel Parking
There are people with 40 years of driving experience who, when required to park between two easily visible cars, just sort of bump into stuff until the car is pointed vaguely toward the curb, then give up. When you’re being tested, you’re probably just working with pylons and a painted line. You can’t see either very well, and touching them means total disaster. On top of that, you’re sitting next to someone who’s watching every single thing you do, and he can smell your fear.

4.) The Written Test
How many yards should you permit before signaling to pass a stationary dairy cow? If an ambulance is passing a police vehicle, how many road flares should you have in your trunk? The written (computerized) test will probably seem exactly this absurd unless you’ve actually bothered to study for it beforehand. If you just waltz on in there expecting it to be a cakewalk, you will be sorely disappointed, and then crying, in that order.