Parents: Sometimes they just don’t understand. And from what I’ve read in quite a few emails this past week, this lack of understanding can be quite frustrating to you, the Sparkler. So what are you going to do about it? Just stew in your own juices until you and your 'rents have a total blow-out over some trivial matter? NO. Ignore it and wait for college to arrive so you can leave your family strife behind? NO, again. You’re going to talk to them about what frustrates you. You’re going to be mature and tell them how you feel, even if at first it makes you uncomfortable and them upset. You’re going to ask them how they feel, even if they say cryptically negative things like, "Well, obviously you know my opinion on the matter." If they have weird rules, ask them why. If they express views that you don’t hold, you are permitted to respectfully disagree. If they put too much pressure on you to succeed and act like an A-minus will prevent you from achieving your dreams, you can explain to them that you are already putting a lot of pressure on yourself, thank you very much. Basically, I've noticed quite a few Sparklers who feel like their parents cannot be reasoned with. And maybe that is the case. But it doesn't mean you shouldn't try!
Okay, so this is sort of like the whole Baptist-Orthodox advice before. Only it’s not branches of Christianity dividing me and my crush. See, I like this boy. I’m not sure if he likes me or not. Sometimes I think yes, sometimes no. But I was thinking, hypothetically, what if we got together and became an item? I would be really excited about it, only there are some problems. He’s a Christian, I’m a Hindu. My parents are probably going to put me in an arranged marriage with another Hindu-Indian man when I’m older and I have a career. I’m scared if they’ll have these same only-another-approved-Hindu ideals now. So what should I do? Keep our relationship (if it happens) a secret, don’t even bother giving him a chance (even though I like him a lot), or do I confront my parents?
If you would be really excited about the two of you becoming an item, I think you should go for it. It's possible that your crush is a little unsure of where the two of you stand, so if you feel comfortable making a move, by all means do it. Regarding the Christian/Hindu divide, if you read my intro, you already know what my advice is: I think you should at least try to talk to your parents about it. You don’t have to tell them you are thinking about dating a non-Hindu; you can simply bring up the dating/relationships/marriage topic in general. Hopefully they will shed some light on the subject so you can determine if in fact they plan to set you up with some dude of their choosing. It sounds like you might be a little skeptical about this whole deal, so you might want to ask them for more insight on why they believe in arranged marriages. And if you don’t like the idea of being hooked up with a guy they pick out for you, by all means let them know. Some arranged marriages turn out great, but you shouldn’t be forced into a marriage against your wishes. Since this is probably a delicate subject for your parents, you may want to tread lightly at first to see how they respond. Once you get a sense of where they stand on the matter, it’ll be easier to determine how to proceed with your current crush. In an ideal situation you wouldn’t have to hide your boyfriend from your parents, and I definitely don’t think you should veto him just because you’re worried about what your parents will think. If you like a boy, let him know!
I have always been a little weird. Actually, a lot weird. I used to run screaming down the hallways, crying my eyes out, and then I would trip over my dress and hurt myself (I've always been clumsy and uncoordinated). Anyway, my mom recently took me to a psychiatrist, and she decided to diagnose me with an anxiety disorder, and (drum roll), it’s ADD. I hate it. I have to take medication and I can't drink caffeine. When I don't take the medicine, I have awful headaches, I cry a lot, and I scream at people. A lot. Today I retook the medicine, and felt a lot better (PS I was supposed to not take the medicine as a "break" from it, that didn't work out too great). Yesterday, I was telling myself how ugly I was, and cursing myself out. I am scared for myself. I'm not contemplating suicide, trust me, but I am feeling well, scared, and not... normal. I hate the fact that I am "drugged up" to feel this way, how people tell me ADD doesn't exist, that it is all a lie and I brought it on myself... I hate the fact that I have to drive out to that lady and talk to her with my mother in the room, staring at me like I am an insect that has to be squashed quickly. I feel like I am screaming, and nobody is looking up, like I am "labeled" something, ADD. I have some really great friends who try to be supportive, but they just don't get it. I was recently at my Grandmother's house, and I told my cousin. My mom yelled at me, because while my family is a bunch of liberals, the rest of my dad's side is extremely conservative, and if my grandmother knew... she would feel sorry for me... like something was wrong with me. I am scared, angry, confused, feeling like I could just scream at the top of my lungs and the world would only give me a passing glance. The only time I really feel at peace is when I am with my characters in my head, the ones who live in plots and storylines, who do what I want to do. I have tried to write it out, I just can't express it right... it's too... special. And even if I did write it out, what would I even do with it? Leave it under my bed and stare at it? I'm just scared.
It’s okay to be scared sometimes. Life can be scary. You just have to make sure to tell people why you are scared so they can help you figure out how to be less scared. That means you should definitely share all of these thoughts and worries with your psychiatrist and mom. Venting your emotions will make you feel better and it might also help you fine-tune your ADD treatment.
And about the ADD: yes, it sucks. But as you know, it’s a legit medical condition that can be treated with medication, and it sounds like the medication is helping. If you have concerns about side effects, or you think that the medication is making you feel not right, please talk to your psychiatrist about it. Regarding being labeled: ADD doesn’t define you. It’s part of your life, but there’s a lot more to you than those three letters. If you think people are judging you, maybe you should talk to them about it. It doesn’t matter whether a person is liberal or conservative—ADD affects all kinds of people, no matter what kind of political beliefs they hold.
It sounds like your mom is really concerned about how people see you, so perhaps you should talk to her about that. There’s no reason to hide your condition—ADD is fairly common, and if you are open about it, there’s no reason for others to stigmatize you. You can learn more about ADD, including ways to make life with ADD easier, here. Here are some suggestions: get plenty of exercise, use organizational tools to help you stay focused, and try meditating to help you relax. If you aren't doing these things already, give them a try. I think you should definitely write down some of the characters and storylines in your head, as writing can be a really effective type of therapy. Even if you feel that you can’t express yourself in the right way, you should at least try. The more you practice writing, the better you will get at expressing yourself. And in the meantime, the act of writing may be cathartic and may help you feel better. You don’t have to do anything with your stories if you don’t want to. Leaving them under your bed and staring at them is perfectly acceptable. It’s the act of writing that’s important, not what you do with the words.
I hope you’ll express your concerns to your therapist and mom soon. Take care of yourself!
I know that this probably isn't really a big “problem," but I would like you ask your advice anyway, if that's ok. My dad and I have been getting in fights about skinny jeans. The thing is that I really want to wear them, but he says that only homosexual people wear them. He is a very conservative Christian and has always been afraid of anything that seems a little bit different (I am a straight guy by the way). He will not let me wear or even buy them because they are immoral and will cause others to sin by having sexual thoughts. I know that skinny jeans are not not popular, but I really want to wear them. Plus I went to the store by myself and I know I look great in them... So I guess my "problem" is how to I get him to understand that I really want this without making him think that I am just doing this to "rebel" or something.
Well, maybe you should tell your dad that I am totally rocking skinny jeans right now, and I am totally married. To a woman! Actually, no, don't tell him that. What you’ve gotta do is engage your dad in some good old fashioned skinny jeans debate. Try to find out why he thinks jeans are linked to a particular sexual orientation (which is ridiculous BTW), why he thinks they are immoral, and why he thinks they will cause others to have sexual thoughts. If he feels this way about skinny jeans, wouldn’t he also feel the same way about, say, a tight corduroy blazer? Or what about snug winter cap? I guess it can be argued that skinny jeans could potentially reveal certain bits of information about one’s private parts, and maybe that is his concern, so perhaps you should let him know that you are buying jeans, not ballet tights. Unless your jeans are absurdly skinny, they’re probably not going to be much more provocative than your standard pair of boot cut jeans. You should also let him know that you like the way you look in skinny jeans, which is a positive thing. Clothes should make you feel good about yourself! You’re going to have to do your best to reason with him, and don’t let him get away with any excuses about sinning or sexuality, as that really has nothing to do with the clothes a person wears. At the very least, maybe you can agree on a pair of compromise jeans: slimmer than your average pair, but not so tight that every person in the immediate vicinity pounces on you the moment you step outside.
Hey Chris! I hope you're having a happy new year (when is the cut off for saying “happy new year”? Am I too late?). Anyway, I am a high school student with ambitions of becoming a studio artist. I take what I do very seriously, and often incorporate my thoughts and feelings into my work. I scrutinize my work endlessly. However, I take criticism poorly. I understand that visual art is subjective and nothing should be taken personally, but because drawing is such a personal experience for me, I feel disappointed when my work is misinterpreted. As taking criticism is very much a part of being a visual artist, I know that this will be something I will be dealing with for the rest of my career. Do you have any advice for receiving critical remarks in a positive way? Thank you, and have a great 2010!
Happy new year to you as well! It’s never too late to wish someone a good year, so I encourage you to keep it up for the next 11 months, or at least until you get sick of saying it. I admire your ambitions, and since I also pursue an art form (writing) that involves being criticized from time to time, I sympathize with you. My strategy is that while I will happily listen to everyone’s criticism, I can also decide whether it’s valid or not. I feel particularly stung by criticism when it's at least partially accurate. In those cases, the negative feelings I have toward the critic are actually directed in part at myself, because I am upset that I didn’t fix the criticized issue before presenting the work. While it is true that art and criticism are highly subjective, you should always try to discern whether there is something you can learn from another person’s opinion of what you are doing. A lot of the time, you might not learn anything, and that’s fine. Just don’t dismiss the criticism before you process it. If you feel you are being misinterpreted, you have a choice: you can disregard the criticism completely, or you can try to correct the misunderstanding and see if the critic changes his or her tune. Try to figure out why the work was misinterpreted. Are you not communicating something clearly within the work?
I wish there were some kind of secret for not taking criticism personally. But the fact is if you pour your emotions into your work, you will often find it impossible to suppress a reaction to another person’s comment. Hopefully you will get used to after a while, and maybe it won’t hurt as much if you make a habit of trying to figure out how/if you can use it to improve your art.
Hey, Chris. I'm in, well, a somewhat sticky situation right now. There's this girl I like, and the unfortunate thing is that she essentially "strongly dislikes" me. The main problem with it all is, that I can't stop liking her. No matter what I do, my idea of a perfect girl is still her. I've been liking her for a long time and we used to be fairly good friends; however, that's been just going downhill for a while. After she realized I liked her, she started to distance herself from me, and things between the two of us have been getting more and more awkward ever since then. For months now, we haven't talked at all and it's getting extremely frustrating. I just want to be friends like we used to, but I have no clue as to how I should go about doing that. Any ideas?
This may seem like a silly question, but do you have any idea why this girl strongly dislikes you? Has she told you this directly or are you inferring it from the way she acts or something you heard from someone else? Also, have you told her that you like her? From what you’ve described, it seems like her strong dislike might have something to do with you strongly liking her. If that is the case, you might want to steel yourself for a sad possibility: that she doesn’t want to have a romantic relationship, and so she's distancing herself either because she doesn't know how to tell you or because she is trying to let you down easy. I'm not saying this is definitely the reason, but I've certainly seen this kind of thing happen before. Of course, it's also possible that she likes you and she’s expressing it in a really weird way, or maybe she’s just confused and frustrated about other stuff and she’s taking it out on you for some unknown reason. We can speculate all day, but if you want to solve this mystery, you might want to ask her what her deal is, straight up. Is it something you did or said? Or didn't do or didn't say? Make sure to tell her that you really don’t want to lose her as a friend and that you just want her to be open and honest with you.
As for how to get into this conversation, you might try to make some more subtle communications with her first (how's it going, haven't talked to you in a while, what did you think of last week's Jersey Shore, etc.) and see how she takes it. If she is willing to talk to you, you should try to ease into the discussion, whether it’s in person or over email or IM. But if she doesn’t respond at all, you have two options. Option 1 is to write her an email or letter expressing all your feelings and concerns, just to put them out there. You might feel better, and it’ll at least make it clear where you stand on things. You might not get a clear answer, but if you make a genuine attempt to engage her in a meaningful conversation about the two of you, that's what counts. Option 2 is to take her total lack of response as a pretty clear signal that, well, she's just not that into you. And in that case you need to be prepared to move on. I know you think she's the perfect girl, but if she doesn't feel the same way about you, then she's definitely not the perfect girl for you. This might be a painful realization, but if it's the case, you'll both be better off if you let her go. However, those decisions are down the road a bit. Your immediate concern is to talk to her in some way and see how it goes. Perhaps she'll come around and you two can rekindle your friendship, but no matter what happens, you can feel better knowing you put yourself out there. Good luck!
Being chased by a pack of roving quandaries? Call for backup at chris@sparknotes.com.
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