The Five Types of Science Fair Students

If you've attended school any time between now and, oh, 1950, you're undoubtedly familiar with the unique stench of Science Fair—a noxious odor that's equal parts formaldehyde, Sharpie marker, baking soda... plus a drop or two of screaming terror (invariably, one not-so-science-inclined student realizes that her hypothesis about the effects of daytime television on badgers is ALL WRONG. Not that that has ever happened to us.).

But whether you're an award-winning junior scientist or an evil genius who experiments on badgers, if you've ever participated in a Science Fair, you've probably encountered all five classic types of projects. Which types, you ask? Well! Good thing your SparkNotes editors have compiled a listicle.

The Overachiever
Yeah, we see you—with your lab-sterilized petri dishes, your high-end goggles, and your home-cultivated samples of a retrovirus that you personally discovered by scraping the tongues of boll weevils. Just claim your prize and shut up. The Overachiever wins the science fair every year and ultimately ends up selling some project or other to the government for a repulsively large sum of money. He or she will later work for NASA.

The Flop
Armed with high-end instruments and an ambitious hypothesis, the Flop is similar to the Overachiever in his commitment to a science fair project that will change the world forever. Unlike the Overachiever, however, the Flop will check his results on the day before the big presentation and discover that, despite a highly scientific method and hours of work, he has not been able to teach his houseplants to speak Spanish. He receives an A anyway, because the teacher feels sorry for him.

The Grasping at Straws
Approximately twelve hours before presentations are due, the Grasping at Straws jolts awake in the middle of the night and realizes that she forgot about the science fair. Panicking at the thought of a ruined GPA, she spends the next several hours performing experiments on her pets, the living room furniture, and the contents of her parents' refrigerator. The Grasping at Straws is identifiable by her haggard appearance, hastily-assembled presentation board, and project title like “Cats in Motion: The Aerodynamic Effects of Raspberry Preserves on Fluffy, Bartleby, and Mr. Kittywinkles.”

The Fair Effort
A good student whose strengths lie in subjects other than science, the Fair Effort presents a thorough but uninspired project that proves something everyone already knows. Favored topics include “The Effects of Sunlight on Plants,” “How to Make Pudding,” and “Asparagus Pee: Myth, or Reality?”

The Didn't Bother
When it comes to the science fair, there's always one kid who just doesn't give a dang. Determined to put in as little effort as possible and coast by on a D, the Didn't Bother will find a moldy piece of pumpernickel in a dumpster, nail it to a presentation board, and call it a day. If pressed for a hypothesis, he will claim that he is examining the effects of torture on toast.

Did we miss anyone? Tell us in the comments!

Related post: Three Clues Your Science Teacher Is In Completely Over His Head