Auntie SparkNotes: Witty Comebacks for Malodorous Jerks
Dear Auntie SparkNotes,
I am a sophomore at high school, and right now it's not so great there. These two boys keep on picking on me, trying to embarrass me, then saying I'm awkward when it works, which it always does. They will say things like "you have big boobs" or "when will our first date be?" When I don't reply, or try to laugh it off my face always uncovers the truth, it turns bright red. I have never had a boyfriend and I'm fine about that, I just wish everyone else would stop stressing about it. The two boys, plus others, say things like I'm a lesbian. I don't think they do it because they have a crush on me, I think they do this because its something fun to do. They even said in class that they just do this to embarrass me.
I really am just confused about what to do, or how to ignore it. Or even a good comeback to say.
- Dazed and Confused
Auntie SparkNotes has a few choice words to describe the behavior of these two boys, as well as the boys themselves...but sadly, they are not words which I am permitted to use in print. Suffice to say that these two gentlemen are jerks.
Massive, heaving, malodorous jerks who are nothing but a pair of festering pustules on the unwashed buttocks of life.
But of course, you already knew that.
Unfortunately, guys (and girls) of this noxious type exist in every high school—I think they may actually come with the furniture— and while they're usually as dumb as a box of hammers, they do have a special gift when it comes to making the lives of their victims miserable. And while plenty of well-meaning adults will tell you to just ignore them, that's a lot harder to do when your own body betrays you by displaying your embarrassment for all to see. It's impossible to pretend they aren't bothering you when your face is the color of a freshly-cooked lobster.
So, what can you do? First, try to make it harder for them to get to you in the first place. Change your seat so you're further away, or sit near a friend who can offer some support. And make your teacher aware of what's going on. You'll have an easier time if someone is on your side. Approach her after class and say, “These two guys are sexually harassing me pretty much every day. If you see it happening, can you please step in?”
And if you want a clever comeback or two, just in case they persist? Well... hey, I aim to please. Why not:
Embarrass the embarrasser.
When one of them says, “You have big boobs,” raise your hand and say, loudly enough that the whole class can hear you, “May I change seats? This guy is talking about my boobs again.”
Shut him down.
When the obnoxious comments start, stare directly at the guy making them. Raise your eyebrows a little, like you're interested in what he's saying. When he pauses, say, “Wow.... you really are a [bleep]-ing moron, aren't you.”
Guy: You're awkward!
You: Riiiight. You come up to a total stranger every week and say things about the size of her boobs, but I'm the awkward one.
Guy: Are you a lesbian?
You: If I say yes, will it make you stop talking to me? Because in that case, yeah, I'm a HUGE lesbian.
Guy: You have big boobs!
You: Yes, I do. But I can get a breast reduction, whereas you will always have a tiny, tiny wiener.
The ability to snap back a witty retort depends on being comfortable with the material, so you'll need to practice these in advance. Repeat the lines with the proper inflection. Perfect your eye roll. Tell your cat that he's a worthless lump of discharge. You'll feel silly, but when it comes time to react, you'll be ready.
Unfortunately, it's possible that none of this will stop the festering pustules from harassing you—they may continue to be obnoxious turds, because that's all they know how to do. If it does continue, then you'll need to get the administration involved; nobody wants kids like this to get away with their particular breed of awfulness, and your school likely has policies against harassment or bullying.
Let us know how it goes!
Questions? Comments? Clever comebacks? Leave your anti-bullying strategies and best insults in the comments! And to get advice from Auntie, email your questions to firstname.lastname@example.org.