Auntie SparkNotes: Let's Talk About Sex

Okay Auntie, here it is:
A year ago, I fell in love. I found a boy that really loved me. And well...we got physical. It happened before I thought it would. Growing up, though I never went to a church or anything like that, I always thought I would lose my virginity when I was in my twenties. I just didn't want to be the girl that lost her virginity in high school. I don't like the stereotype. I didn't want to make any mistakes... Lose it to the wrong person. However, now I am in love with my boyfriend of a year and half, and we have sex.

It happened, like I said, before I wanted it to. It was a romantic night and we just got carried away. We're safe. And most of the time, I like sex. But I feel so guilty about it. Even though I love my boyfriend, we're drifting apart. I do not want to break up, but sometimes he makes me feel really unloved, and I feel like we might break up soon despite the fact that we love each other. That idea terrifies me. I always imagined losing my virginity to someone who would be a huge part of my life. Someone who I would spend years with.

What do I do to stop feeling so guilty after sex? What can I do about this unloved feeling I get after sex? It's just such a purely physical activity! What's wrong with me? Why does my body enjoy sex, but not my brain? Auntie, can you give me some peace of mind about this situation?

Before we begin, y'all, here's what we're NOT going to do: excoriate the letter-writer for having sex, tell her she deserves to feel bad about it, or call her a slut. If you don't agree with premarital boot-knocking, that's your prerogative, but Auntie SparkNotes will be seriously cheesed if she sees anyone getting hateful or cruel in the comments.

Okay? Okay.

Now, letter-writer, here's some immediate peace of mind for you: You don't need to feel guilty about this.

There are things in your letter that worry me (we'll get to that in a minute) but the fact that you lost your virginity in high school isn't one of them. Your first love is not an insignificant person in the scheme of your life—even if the relationship doesn't end up lasting years and years, it's still meaningful and important. And if this was your choice, and you had sex because you were in love and you wanted to, then there's no need to beat yourself up just because it happened before you imagined it would.

(Very Important Note: From your letter, I'm assuming that you're of legal age and the sex was/is consensual. If you're doing it when you don't want to, then that's a much bigger problem, and you should write back and let me know.)

You might not like the stereotype of “that girl who lost her virginity in high school”... but you should know by now that that stereotype is a bunch of B.S. You're not a stereotype; you're a person, and people lose their virginity under different circumstances and for different reasons. Sex doesn't diminish your value as a human being, and as a young woman, it's natural and okay for you to want to have sex. The only rule is this: you have to make the choice about when, why, and with whom you want to do it. Nobody else can tell you how to feel about this; it's your decision, and your decision only.

Now, the problematic part: Right now, you're deciding to have sex even though it makes your brain feel bad.

Sex may or may not be a purely physical activity (and for a lot of people, it's much more complicated than that), but it's definitely not something you want to be doing with someone who makes you feel crappy about yourself. And that means that you need to stop focusing on the terror you feel over breaking up with your “first,” and start focusing on whether or not you're happy in this relationship. The vast majority of people do eventually break up with their first sexual partner. That's sad, but it's also okay, because they move on and have wonderful lives. But continuing to sleep with someone who makes you feel lousy and unloved? Now that's scary. And unlike a breakup, it can set a bad precedent for your relationships down the road.

So, talk to your boyfriend. Tell him how you're feeling. If he's doing something that you find hurtful, address it. A person who loves you—particularly one with whom you're sexually active—should always be willing to have a mature and honest discussion about your relationship. That's non-negotiable.

And if having sex still makes you feel afraid, unloved and guilty? Those are all good reasons to stop doing it, and wait until you feel more ready.

Got something to say? Leave it in the comments! Got a question for Auntie? Email her at advice@sparknotes.com.