The Seven People You'll Meet During a Fire Drill

Like smelly science rooms and unrequited love, fire drills are a part of high school life. For most students, a fire drill is an interesting interruption in an otherwise dull day. But as you wait outside for the all-clear signal, you will notice several distinct types of students on the school lawn. We here at SparkNotes have classified these individuals for the purpose of…well, we don't have a purpose. We simply enjoy labeling people.

The Jokester
This is the annoying student who yells, "Fire! We're all going to die! Everyone run!" In his own mind, this is hilarious. And if anyone so much as smiles in his direction, he will only continue this unfunny joke.
Characteristics: The Jokester is an attention hog who talks with his hands and looks around after saying every sentence, hunting for applause, or even mild enthusiasm. He also wears a hat most of the time, so his hair is always a bit funky and misshapen.

The Opportunist
This student was about to receive an F on assignment that she forgot to hand in. But thanks to the fire drill, she can use these short few minutes to quickly cobble together some sort of project, report, or homework answer.
Characteristics: She nervously checks her watch every few moments while calling out question such as, "How do you spell 'tuberculosis'? Please? Someone tell me how to spell freaking "tuberculosis'!" She will also use any flat, hard service as a table (including someone else's back, her own leg, a rock, or even a patch of thick, humid air).

The Guilty Party
Oftentimes, students are unaware that a fire drill has been scheduled. And there are a few students in the school who have forbidden items in their lockers, and didn't have time to hide the contraband appropriately. Each moment outside is agony for these students, as images of FBI/CIA locker checks fill their guilty minds.
Characteristics: Sweaty. Probably wearing an article of clothing that hides some or all of their faces. Will curse under their breath. May run away and never come back. Listen to awful music.

The Frazzled Substitute
Substitute teachers have a hard enough time wrangling a class of unruly students. During a fire drill, their brains might burst with the sudden added responsibility. They won't know where to go or what to do, causing them to panic and yell, "Line up and walk to…um…go down the hall, and…oh God. No talking! Um…is anyone allergic to peanuts? I think I'm suppose to ask if anyone is allergic to peanuts. Screw this. Everyone run! Please, just run! No talking!"
Characteristics: Tears. They will be the last ones out of the building, despite the fact that they are running. Once outside, they may continue walking to their cars and drive away to pursue a less nerve-wracking occupation, such as bomb diffuser, or tightrope bomb diffuser.

The Giggle Squad
This isn't one particular student, but a group of students that gather outside and giggle. And giggle. And giggle. They could be talking about world politics or astrophysics, but chances are they're discussing inside jokes that do not make any sense to outsiders.
Characteristics: They will giggle, and if you ask them, "Hey, what's so funny?," they will giggle more heartily in your face. Avoid at all cost.

The Whiner
Even if it's a balmy 73 degrees outside, at least one person will complain that it's too cold or too hot. He will first grumble to the teacher. When that doesn't speed up the fire drill process, he will moan to his friends. If he has no friends (and chances are good that he doesn't) he will complain to the unlucky soul standing next to him. And finally, he will complain loudly to himself. Once the fire drill ends, he will sigh, "Finally," and then push to be the first one inside. If it's raining, this student may curl up in a ball and die.
Characteristics: Inappropriate attire for the seasons (shorts in winter, leather slacks in summer, etc.). He will look sad, and on the verge of tears. Unfortunately for this mope, the fire drill will be the best moment of his complaint-filled life.

The Student Left Behind
It's difficult to keep track of every student in the school, and it's common for one or two to go missing during a fire drill. This missing student will cause a 20-minute drill to stretch on for an hour or more. And when she is finally discovered, usually in a bathroom, her only explanation will be an insincere, "Fire drill? Really? I didn't hear anything. Weird."
Characteristics: She will walk out of the building with a goofy, guilty grin on her face. She will be the hero of the day. Songs will be written to honor her, and her story will become legend.

What do you do during fire drills?

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