It’s 2010, which means it’s time to become a better person. How, you ask? By avoiding your homework in new and vastly-improved ways. And we would love to help you in your quest for self-betterment (we’re like Ghandi, always giving). So here’s a magnificent opportunity to waste 53 seconds: find out which Twilight character you are! You can thank us later.
Bella Swan: What can we say about you that hasn’t already been said about the Bay of Pigs or three-day-old grilled cheese? Sure, you may be clumsy, ungrateful, rash, whiny, irrational, short-sighted, and quite possibly one of the sorriest fictional characters in recent memory, but there’s always a silver lining, right? Wrong. You're pretty terrible. You don’t even like presents, woman!
Edward Cullen: As a vampire, you’re mediocre at best. As a boyfriend? DANG. Let’s take a moment to examine your flaws as a significant other: You can hardly resist violently murdering your gal; you practically never shower; you leave Bella by her melancholy lonesome in order to gallivant around Italy buying loads of custom loafers and eating small, adorable animals; and, on top of it all, you are a Class A Stalker/Borderline Sociopath and you should probably be in prison.
However, you do have several redeeming qualities: You’re a terrible judge of character, your skin is sparkly like a girl’s, and you can pout like nobody’s business. If we were you, we’d wear a sign that said “HEY WEREWOLVES, I TASTE REAL GOOD.” Oh, wait. WE JUST TAPED ONE TO YOUR BACK.
Jacob Black: You are the Dan to our Bergstein, the whip to our cream, the tall, dark, and handsome rabid beast of our dreams. Plus you’re courageous, loyal, and a fool for love. When you’re not cruising around on your badass motorcycle or saving orphans from burning buildings (shirtless) you strive to better yourself, and the world, by making posters that bear a charming picture of Cullen the Creeper with the caption “HAVE YOU SEEN THIS MAN? HE HAS CHLAMYDIA.” You may or may not be related to Jack Black, Batman, 24 carat diamonds, the inventor of the jet pack, and Christmas. If you are, we really wouldn’t be surprised. Phenomenal abs must run in the family. Call us. Seriously.
That one kid Tyler (or was it Mike?): You are of little to no consequence to anyone. On the upside, your hair is so perfectly gelled as to be considered a “spectacular feat of science and grooming” by several of the world’s foremost hygiene experts. You are a gigantic, unmitigated loser, but by god, no one can say you aren’t persistent.
You often try to woo the objects of your affection by striking them with motor vehicles, violating your restraining order, or asking them “DO YOU LOVE ME OR WHAT?” over and over until they are rendered helpless by the ridiculous level of your annoyingness. Congratulations, Tyler/Mike. You’re a real winner. And by winner, we mean failure. And by failure, we mean no, for the hundredth time, we will not be your date to prom. Stop asking. It’s getting uncomfortable.
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