Auntie SparkNotes: Mastulators Everywhere

Dear Auntie Sparknotes,
I went to homecoming with this amazing guy (as friends), and we had a lovely time. He was extremely nice to me all night, super-chivalrous, extra-adorable... etc. etc. We also went out for dinner afterward, which was very fun. We talked the whole time about all sorts of random things, and it was great! Did I mention he was extra-adorable??

When he dropped me off, he kissed me. I don't mean, a peck on the forehead or cheek, or a platonic little smooch, but a KISS. I'm not sure if this is just how he kisses his friends goodnight, but it was quite amazing.

ANYWAYS, so, this had me extremely happy the whole next day until...

He told me he'd feel better if we were just friends and that a big part of it is the fact that he's not over his ex (who, might I add, is rumored to have treated him terribly.) The thing is, he knew when we went to homecoming together that I liked him! Therefore, his behaviour simply cannot be attributed to ignorance or an accidental wooing of vulnerable, unsuspecting teenage girls.

I'm not quite sure what to do about this. He's a great guy, and I've been told he thinks I'm cool, but it's just quite a confusing situation. I hope you can help me out! Thanks!

Hey, do you guys remember the MASTULATOR? Looks like he has a cousin.

Sigh.

This is a classic example of emotional immaturity, and it's also one of the few things that makes Auntie SparkNotes want to find the offending party and beat him about the head with a live shark. The “I'm not over my ex” routine is a favorite tool for Mastulators who don't want to take responsibility for messing with someone's head. It's a horrible thing to do. It's confusing, hurtful, and emotionally scarring for the other person.

And not only that, it's total B.S.

It's true that breakups are awful, and having a broken heart does give you a free pass to do certain things. For instance, if you've been dumped, you are more than welcome to:

- Cry
- Eat copious amounts of peanut butter
- Hate-stalk your ex on Facebook
- Spend your nights in the arms of a stuffed animal called “Mr. LoveyPants”

But no matter how mean your ex was, you do NOT have the right to treat other people like disposable diapers for your overabundance of sad, leaky feeling-waste.

Which means that despite being cute and fun and adorable, Homecoming Guy has also pulled a patently shabby move by trying to use his past bad relationship as some sort of get-out-of-jail-free card. Be honest: You know that what he did was seriously uncool. It doesn't mean he's evil (in the Hitler/Satan/Voldemort sense of the word); more than likely, he's a good person who did a bad thing. But the fact is, when you're on the receiving end, there is no practical difference between someone who hurts you because he's evil, and someone who hurts you because he's misguided or immature. It hurts just as much either way.

So, how should you cope? First, recognize that it's natural for you to be confused and hurt. It's also natural, once that rug-pulled-out-from-under-you sensation wears off, to get angry about it. You were mistreated! Get mad!

And then, be honest with yourself. It sounds like Homecoming Guy's blow-off was pretty unequivocal. So, painful as it is, you shouldn't be looking to him for anything other than friendship—and then only if you aren't constantly hoping it'll evolve into something more. (Don't fall into that trap, okay? Even if he does change his mind, you'll always feel insecure, off-balance, and like you have no control over the relationship. Bad news all around.)

Finally, consider letting him know honestly how uncool his actions were—for instance, by saying, “If we're going to be friends, I think you should know that I was really hurt by what you did at homecoming. You knew that I liked you, and you really messed with my head.” If you do, you'll be doing the world a favor; if he's a good person, he'll feel terrible for being so irresponsible with your feelings...and, most importantly, he won't go around mastulating anymore.

Got feedback for our letter-writer? Leave it in the comments! Got a question for Auntie SparkNotes? Email her at advice@sparknotes.com!