Auntie SparkNotes: How to Flirt, Part 1: The Look

Around here (and by “here,” I mean “the secret underground lair of Auntie SparkNotes”), flirting is a frequent topic of conversation. Every week, I spend time instructing you guys on when, why, and with whom to flirt. And you know what? I totally missed something. From recent letters:

How do I initiate contact with somebody if I'm not sure what common ground we have?

How do I make boys realize that I'm interested?

No one has ever given me a handbook of how to flirt, and to be honest I have no idea how to! I'm just so confused.

Is there some magic word, a specific way to bump into him while swimming, anything at all?

How do I flirt, and how do I ask if they want to go out?

How, indeed, Sparklers. HOW, INDEED. Because while some people are born with intuitive abilities to flirt, most of us find ourselves stuttering, stumbling, and turning embarrassingly red when it comes time to initiate contact with someone appealing.

So for the next few days, we will present The Auntie SparkNotes Definitive Guide to Flirting Do's and Don'ts. (Don't worry, I'll try to answer some letters in between, too.)

Note: This one's for the girls; I'll tackle the guys—metaphorically, not literally— later on. Because as much as we all value equality between the sexes, a Megan Fox-esque sexyface pout just doesn't play quite right for a dude. Or anyone, really. But let's move on.

First, let's debunk a rumor or two: Contrary to popular belief, flirting doesn't look the same on everybody. How you flirt, and to what extent, depends a lot on your own personality, as well as on the personality of your crush. Not everyone can flirt like Scarlett O'Hara—and not everyone would find that attractive, anyway. So the goal is to be a charming, approachable version of yourself. If the Flirty You has nothing in common with the Regular You, you'll end up looking less alluring and more like someone wearing clothes that don't fit. (Plus, if your entire flirting technique is based on doing your best impression of Megan Fox, your flirtee won't be getting to know the real you at all, which kinda ruins the whole thing.)

That said, there are some flirting techniques that are basic, universal, and work for just about anyone... so today, let's look at the first catch-all tool of Successful Flirts:

The Look
Most of us just aren't comfortable walking up to a cute stranger, out of the blue, and saying, “Hi, what's your name?” (If you are, you probably don't need this guide. Get out of here.) Fortunately, there are other ways of initiating contact with someone you're interested in. If you don't know your flirtee (or don't know him well) The Look is the first way to signal your interest—and also, to gauge his interest in you.

To catch somebody's eye from across the room—in class, at the pool, in jail, wherever—try to let him catch you looking at him. Every so often, allow your gaze to drift over the room and settle briefly on your flirtee. If he looks back at you, meet his eye for just a moment—about as long as it would take you to quickly say the word “Mississippi”—smile a little, and then break the eye contact and look down.

DO
- Keep your expression interestedly neutral rather than intense. (Think: looking at a painting, not watching a movie.)
- Cock your head a little so you're not giving him the creepy side-eye.
- Smile with your lips closed. (Think: Mona Lisa, not the Joker.)
- Make eye contact and smile if, later on, you catch him looking at you.

DON'T
- Be creepy. If he doesn't look up and notice you after two seconds, look down and try again later.
- Stare. If he does look up, don't hold the eye contact for an uncomfortably long time; the whole thing should be over in a split second.
- Say the word “Mississippi” out loud. (Duh.)
- Try to pull this move multiple times; twice is enough for him to know you're interested.
- Force it. If he never looks up, or if he looks at you blankly and breaks the eye contact first, he's not digging it. (Or he's really, really stupid. Either way, not a catch.)

Once you're comfortable giving The Look—and your intended flirtee isn't a total stranger—you can introduce slightly bolder variations.

The Chomp: Lightly, briefly bite on your lower lip before breaking eye contact. This makes you look vaguely mischievous.
The Touch: Hold eye contact for a beat longer while you brush your bangs out of your eyes or touch your fingertips to your throat. Keep your hand in place while you look away.
The Inside Joke: Reserved for times when something funny and/or interesting is happening. (Think: Your teacher has just accidentally dropped a fetal pig on the floor.) Catch the eye of your flirtee and make an appropriate face/gesture—grin, eye roll, whatever—and all of a sudden, you guys are Sharing a Moment.

And there you have it: the beginning of a flirtation.

Want to know what comes after The Look? Come back tomorrow for the next installment, and leave any relevant questions or comments below! And as always, questions for Auntie should be directed to advice@sparknotes.com.