Seriously Amigos, Stop Cramping My Crush Style

Like several other Sparkler authors, Natalie_Fudgenz wrote this post while in a fit of rage. Are you always this eloquent when you're angry, Natalie? —SparkNotes editors

Most of us have had that one friend who found it necessary to try to deter us from liking someone. And it wasn't just one person who they thought was a bad apple... It was Every. Single. One. And let's be honest, it's annoying, and it can sometimes really hurt.

Here are a few tips on how to... well... NOT to upset your friend when he/she has a new crush:

Unless he/she is REALLY bad for me, please don't state your honest opinion.

When your friend deliberately says stuff like, "He/she is SO ugly! Why do you like him/her!?" or "His head is tiny," well, it gets annoying. As a friend, you don't have to comment on the crush's looks. After all, you're not the one who will potentially kiss the person, anyway. A white lie in this situation is not going to affect our friendship in any negative way—but insults will.

And to be honest, "crushes" usually don't last. In a few weeks I'll be saying, "I liked him/her?!," and I won't need your help!

If you know something important about him/her that I don't, TELL ME!

I can't tell you how many times I've been in this situation. If you know something about your friend's crush/boyfriend/girlfriend, such as he/she is already dating someone/cheating on you/something else horrible that I haven't mentioned, tell your friend. Please. Even if it's hard to say, it will still be best coming from you. Having to find out later via the crush, or in some embarrassing way, will send your pal into a spiraling depression that involves watching Twilight/New Moon over and over again. Before you know it, your friend will be a pile of mush randomly screaming, "WHY CAN'T I HAVE A SPARKLY MONSTER BOYFRIEND WHO ACTS LIKE A FATHER AND AN AWESOME WEREWOLF BEST FRIEND WHO DRIVES MOTORCYCLES BUT DOES NOT FLY JETPACKS, LIKE BELLA DOES?! WHY CAN'T I!?"

Don't try to make me jealous.

One of the biggest problems that arise when you have a new crush is that your friend also has a crush on him/her. And another problem that arises from this scenario is jealousy.

Really, I don't care if our mutual crush talks to you on occasion. I don't care if you dropped your pencil sexily and he/she picked it up for you and OMG YOUR HANDS TOUCHED FOR THREE SECONDS!1111!!!
Just because we like the same person, doesn't mean you're better than me or I'm better than you. It probably won't work out for either of us, anyway. But when you start to imply that you have a better chance with him/her than I do, that's just childish. You don't need to put our friendship in jeopardy for the sake of a crush. Grow up!

Don't scream out who I like when they are obviously close enough to hear!

I think this speaks for itself.
Scenario: You're in the lunch room, quietly enjoying your drink and a chat with your friends. Suddenly, you spot your crush. Immediately upon noticing your gaze, your friend decides to scream "OH HEY LOOK, IT'S (Insert name of your crush here)!" at the top of his/her lungs.
What You Fear Will Happen: You spit your drink at your friend on "accident" from your shock/outrage and attack him/her across the table. While this is happening, your crush is quietly removing him/herself from the situation. And your life. Forever.
What Usually Ends Up Happening: You blush like mad, and give your friend the angriest look you can while simultaneously kicking her in the knees.

SHUT UP ALREADY!

When you tell your friend who you're interested in, you can expect a bit of a fuss at first. But after...oh I don't know...A DAY, you need to be quiet about it already.

You have been trusted with this Sacred High School Information, and that means it shouldn't be brought up every five seconds.

"Oh em gee, did you see (insert crush's name)?! I think he/she looked at you! He/she TOTALLY looked at you! Do you want me to talk to him/her?! I'll talk to him/her for yo—" **sound of duct tape being slapped on
mouth followed by muffled continuing of sentence**

Gosh, let me lust in peace, would you?

Have you ever had a crush-ruining friend?

Related Post: Love Thy Neighbor: Sitting Next to Your Secret Crush

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